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The Man's Guide To Surviving Chick Flicks

Updated on May 30, 2014

Just like facing death and taxes, at some point in every relationship a man will be placed in the agonizing position of having to endure two hours of a near-fatal experience most commonly described in popular culture as a "chick flick". This is the tripe which spews from the bowels of Hollywood like a week old burrito, with no redeeming quality other than to make women say "aaaawwwww" and want to snuggle - usually right there in the movie theater. It's all good though, because the performances in these contemporary classics feature magnificent acting from the likes of Meg Ryan, Owen Wilson, Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts, and Reese Witherspoon as opposed to the hacks that star in "guy flicks" like James Cagney, John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart, Elizabeth Taylor and Barbara Stanwyck. Yeah boy, $12 to see Hugh Grant tongue-stabbing an aging Sandra Bullock, that's entertainment you can discuss with your buddies down at the steel mill.

If there is any hope of a man surviving a chick flick it lies in...well, a man's ability to lie. Abandon the fleeting thought of honestly telling your partner how you truly feel. To start with she probably would be aghast to discover what a shallow and heartless being you are not to embrace your feminine side (by the way, concerning this Freud was really full of s***) and secondly your desires have no impact on female decision making when your wife can view a 25 foot Matthew McConaughey for two full hours in Panavision. The best advice in surviving chick flicks is to shut up, man up and use every tactic in your male arsenal to emerge from the circumstance with your dignity in tact ( it helps to walk fast and don't make eye contact with another male for about a week).

As the movie begins let your inner male thoughts run wild and free, just don't verbalize them aloud. Take all of the nasty, sarcastic, vulgar and adolescent comments you are dying to express and make them turn into something that will be of benefit at a later time. Use the experience to work your wife's emotions at strategic times during the train wreck, errrr artful display of human interaction. A hand hold, a pat on the leg, an arm around the shoulder and a gentle kiss on the cheek ensures that food and clean laundry will be raining upon you for the upcoming week at least. Keep your eyes on the prize, and it isn't a 50-something Meg Ryan trying to recapture the essence of "cute" that she had when Jimmy Carter was in the White House.

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    • thom w conroy profile image

      thom w conroy 5 years ago

      Thanks Kenneth - in the words of Clint Eastwood "A man's got to know his limitations". If I have to endure one more whining Lifetime movie.....

    • kenneth avery profile image

      Kenneth Avery 5 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama


      you are one brave soul, my friend, for tackling such a sensitive issue. Even I, in my wild and unorganized imagination, would not touch this one. Good hub though. Loved the advice and keep writing. HubPages is just the place for you.


    • thom w conroy profile image

      thom w conroy 5 years ago

      Thanks - I guess it all balances out more in the end between the entertainment for each sex, there's just so many "victim" movies on Lifetime geared toward women that it gets to most guys.

    • teaches12345 profile image

      Dianna Mendez 5 years ago

      So funny! We chicks do the same when we have to watch all those action movies. Although, I do love the Avengers series (what can I say, it appeals to chicks too!)

    • thom w conroy profile image

      thom w conroy 5 years ago

      That's certainly a possibility for another hub. All I can say is that I personally could not watch 4 hours straight of Lifetime Television if it meant I'd get eternal life and 72 virgins.

    • nybride710 profile image

      Lisa Kroulik 5 years ago from Minnesota

      Funny! Now you need to write The Woman's Guide to Surviving Action Adventure Movies. I hate them with a passion, but you can probably guess the types of movies I love.