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The Confessions of An Ugly Gay Man

Updated on September 1, 2011

Somewhere Over the Bloody Rainbow

I’m not sure how to start this ridiculous monologue about my life, my worries, and woes; the things that consume my sad excuse for an existence. So I guess I’ll start with the pleasantries and introduction.

My name is Alex, of course that’s not my real name but whatever, and I’m twenty-five. Well I’ll be twenty-five soon. I’m built like an overweight quarter back with a large nose, and very bad complexion. I’m half Native American and Hispanic. I live in a horrid little city called Flagstaff in the northern part of Arizona. It’s not all bad, but it sure as Hell could be better. And that’s beside the economic difficulties and cost of living.

I guess my real beef with the town is the lack of courtesy shown by the fellow inhabitance of this city. I’m not just talking about the anti-gay, homophobes that spew their nonsense like a busted fire hydrant. I’m talking about the people within the LGBT community, coworkers, roommates, and other people within the social spheres that we build. And the people that pretend that they didn’t see me on my motorcycle and cut me off on the roads even though I’ve been in their field of vision for the past five minutes, but that’s a story for another time.

For the benefit of everyone I should start at the beginning of this whole fiasco and omit all the inconsequential details. It started on an ordinary day, well as ordinary as it gets for my day.

All I wanted to do after I got off my overnight shift from work was to get some breakfast, relax a little before heading off to bed and sleeping the day away only to return to work that night. It was a good morning and I was feeling good about nearly everything which is a rare mood for me to be in. Until I remembered why I was so… chipper that morning.

Most of the giddiness was because of a blind date I was set up on by a friend of mine from work. All the signs from the heavens were pointing to utter disaster however, the false euphoria that clouded mind at the time overcame my sense of self preservation and I eagerly went to meet up with my date.

I went to a small café near my apartment, order a cup of coffee, and called my friend to let her know where I was waiting for my date. I left a description of what I was wearing so he could recognize me and told her where I would be seated waiting. She responded quickly saying he was on his way. I sipped my coffee slowly and awaited the arrival of the mystery man.

Three hours and forty minutes later I’m still sat in the small café, with a bill for eight cups of coffee no breakfast, and no date. Needless to say that I should have given up after the first thirty minutes of waiting in the café. Finally getting tired of the wait, I paid my bill and made my way home. As I was walking I texted my friend and informed her of what transpired, or what didn’t if you want to be technical.

Later that night when I arrived to work, I found my friend sitting at the desk waiting for me. After an hour of hearing her whine, at great lengths and in even greater detail about some personal issue that don’t even concern either of us, she finally decided to address what happened that morning.

“Oh yeah my friend went to the café and saw you waiting there. He said that he didn’t think you were that big and that you weren’t his type” She says in a half bored voice. “He was like, ‘I didn’t want people to see me with that so I booked it out of there before he saw me.’”

All I could think to myself was, ‘that’s awesome’. That is the icing on the cake right there that is. I remain as indifferent as I can and said “Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t meet his standards.” I didn’t really have the heart to ask why she didn’t tell me that; I could have salvaged the remaining portion of my dignity and left the café instead of ordering eight cups of coffee and waiting for a man that was clearly not interested in me.

And my friend being the sweet ‘angel’ that she is say, “See that’s why I keep saying you have to work out with me. It’s not like you can do anything about your face but damn, do you have to make the body match the face?”

It’s those rare caring moments that you really get to see what goes on inside the minds of your friends. And I have to say it was a real eye opener. Seriously? Was it too much to ask for a heads up on a botched date? I suppose it was, and the insult was just the salt on the fresh wound. Apparently, the “I got your back” clause is only extended to the remotely attractive people of society. The get out of jail free cards are reserved only for the beautiful. I can’t help but think to myself that somewhere over that lovely gay pride rainbow there is place where men are considerate, our friends actually support us, and there someone that will find us and love us for who we are regardless of what we look like. Yeah, somewhere over that bloody rainbow.


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    • profile image

      Anon 3 years ago

      Hopefully you sent that 'friend' into the depths of oblivion...

    • Troll2013 profile image

      Troll2013 4 years ago from Wexford, Ireland

      I'm in the same boat as you but I am 33 and have never had a job. I have always been unemployed, and while some people are interested in my online photos, it tends to end in fairly immediate rejection when I meet them in person. My former friend Colm says I should have met gay men more in my mid twenties when I was better looking. I struggle with my weight too. I'm pretty much resigned to being single for the rest of my life but if that photo is you, I think you are being too hard on yourself. Your face is fine. It's just gay men are uber-choosey. The problem with my appearance is very ugly (rough) skin texture.

    • RavenBiker profile image

      RavenBiker 4 years ago from Pittsburgh, PA.

      Bud, you need to dispose of your friend as if she were a used tampon. Seriously ---and do it unceremoniously.

      I had the opposite problem in my twenties and thrities. My appearance was too good and the boys fled away because they were either intimidated or they flocked towards me to get one thing: sex. Superficiality does run both ways.

      It took awhile and I expended a lot of energy surrounding myself with genuine people. They are out there and I'm sure they exist in Flagstaff. In the end, I changed my attitude and I have friends I can count on. With that came my partner. Remember: it does get better. It takes time, effort and patience.

    • brimancandy profile image

      Brian 4 years ago from Northern Michigan

      You're only in your 20's and you have a job, so that's a positive thing. You are also kind of young to get the reality of what gay life is really like. I would bet that Flagstaff probably has a gay community that you don't know about, or, haven't fully explored.

      Almost an identical situation to yours happened to me. I was supposed to meet up with a guy at Starbucks. He did arrive, and it looked like he was going to do the same thing that happened to you, only I saw him first. So, we ordered coffee, and his phone rang every five minutes with some girl on the other end of the line. You could tell it was a "Pitty call." As in, if this guy isn't my type, I'll call you, and you call me back so I can get rid of him.

      She called like 5 times, while we were sitting there, and he finally says. "I have to go, my girlfriend needs me to help her move some stuff." Lie, lie, lie. But, at least he wasn't an ass about it. It was kind of a bummer, because he was really hot. I have also met guys who seem like they are really into me at online dating sites, until they find out I'm short, and then they lose interest almost immediately. As I'm sure was the case with the guy at Starbucks.

      But, I have learned not to let it get to me. You have to look at it as you win some and you lose some. Someone will eventually come along that you least expect, and blow your mind. Trust me, I have met those guys, not going to be lovers, but it's fun while it lasts. Don't expect too much and things will come your way. (I would say the other come, but don't want to get banned. LOL!!)

    • profile image

      anonymous 5 years ago

      images of how ppl look don't matter. what matters is being healthy, having good friends, or enjoying what you like to do. people say i look really good/and am in shape, and my boyfriend they say looks ugly/ not fit enough. for me the personality is MUCH more important. just be patient and keep trying to meet people out there, i know it can be hard.

    • profile image

      Chris 5 years ago

      can you post a pic :)

    • profile image

      Sympathetic 5 years ago

      I'm sorry you had such a bad experience that day. It's hard to find supportive people these days with so many daily reminders of one or another stressful issue(s). All I can suggest is to involve yourself in somethings that is both important to you and makes you feel better and better people connections can arise from that. Hang in there. You have put in words an experience shared by many.

    • profile image

      Average gay teenager 5 years ago

      Honestly, in this very superficial world we live in, in order to survive, when need to fit in the conventional idea of beauty. Maybe you can try something along those lines that would ultimately boost your self-confidence? I'm not suggest you change who you are, but maybe work on your aesthetics a little?

    • Shtrigha profile image

      Shtrigha 6 years ago

      Thanks guys. I appreciate the comments. :) I'm actually doing better now. I'll be posting more blogs hopefully soon. I haven't had a chance to write anything new.

    • Grow profile image

      Grow 6 years ago from British Columbia - The Amsterdam Of North America

      Dude, you just need to pick yourself up and focus on the positive things in your life. It sounds like you are beating yourself up too much. When you don't think highly of yourself, nobody else will think highly of you either. I am a fat aging slob that drinks way too much beer, I blew all my money, I have no car .. but I thinks of myself as a king among men, and that tends to rub off on others .. sometimes in a positive way and sometimes not. You need more self confidence, you might find it in exercise, you might want to get a haircut and a new shirt... whatever it is .. get on it .. and GL

    • Admiral_Joraxx profile image

      Admiral_Joraxx 6 years ago from Philippines

      Your friend should really have told you earlier or she could have come to meet you instead, on her friends behalf. I felt so sorry for that, don't feel down so badly friend, there's no such thing as standards for beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I believe somebody will come your way, see you and will accept you no matter who you are! Voted up!

    • janikon profile image

      Stuart A Jeffery 6 years ago from Toronto, Ontario

      Wow - your friend sounds like a cow, least she could be is supportive especially considering she set you up on the blind date. I'm really sorry about this horrendous experience. Voted up. interesting.