- Gender and Relationships
The Other Woman
The Other Woman
It doesn’t matter who she is, how successful she is, how pretty she is or how much it may seem on the outside that she has it "going on”, on the inside she is broken. Somewhere along the line she has convinced herself that she is only good enough to be someone’s second best. Now grant it, some women truly have no idea that the man they are involved with is married or in a committed relationship, but if she finds out and she allows the affair to continue for another second, she is indeed broken and that's really sad- in a pathetic kind of way. Please ladies, don't ever let the other woman intimidate you, make you feel small or inadequate, the very fact that she is "the other woman" makes her the disadvantaged one and I will tell you why:
1. Men Don't Leave Their Wives - True, the occasional man may walk away from his family for his affair partner, but the odds are definitely stacked against you that this will actually happen. If he does leave, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you, but you didn't get much of a prize. You managed to steal away a lying, cheating, disrespectful man. Wow, what a victory! He may be with you now, but he won't be staying long. However; the man I'm referring to in this section is the excuse maker, sure he may make promises of leaving his wife, and it’s always "soon" isn't it? There is always one more hurdle to jump, one more excuse before his grand departure: once the kids are out of school, once his ill wife recovers, and my favorite - "I can't leave because she wont let me see the kids." Fact, if a man truly loves you he will move heaven and earth to be with you. But hey, if you don't mind his excuses and having your intelligence constantly mocked, by all means sit around and wait. Maybe tomorrow he will leave... this leads to the next disadvantage:
2. Wasting Time - So, you've put all your eggs in one basket by waiting for prince charming to leave his castle and come set up home in yours. You've missed out on life waiting for his calls, you've missed out on chances for committed relationships with available men. Meanwhile, your knight in shining armor has been building his life with his wife, saving for retirement, creating warm fuzzy memories, taking trips and planning their long-term future. Make no mistake about it, in an economic downturn, you will be the first item scratched off his list. What do you have to show for being at his beck and call, being available at his convenience, for sitting home on friday nights, holidays and birthdays - NOTHING! He is having his cake and eating it, while all you get in return are the scraps.
3. Sharing - First and foremost he belongs to his wife and family and at the end of most days that's where he is going to end up, at home. You may have just spent a blissful evening with your lover cuddled up in bed, but eventually he will get up and go home. He's probably told you that he goes to the spare room or couch (because things are so bad at home) but this typically isn't the case. More than likely he has gone home and crawled into bed with his wife and told her how much he loves her. Being with you has probably made him even more affectionate to his wife because the guilt is eating him alive. So, while you lay there alone and feeling used, he is at home making amends.
4. Being Lied To - Please don't tell me that you buy into his bullshit and that you feel all “warm and fuzzy” inside because this wonderful man loves you so much. Certainly don't tell me you believe that any day now you will be with your lover full time. OMG, listen up, if he is deceiving his wife you can bet your life that he is lying to you as well. This man is not an honest, upstanding individual. He is living a double life, he is saying whatever he needs to both of you to be sure that he gets what he needs. He stood in front of this woman, family, friends and God and pronounced his eternal love and fidelity. If he's not upholding that, he certainly isn't being honest to you. This man looks in the face of his wife and children every single day and lies! What would make you think you are more special than them? He isn't showing anyone respect, including you.
5. You Are Replaceable - Chances are that you are not his first mistress and you can bet the farm that you will not be his last. Sure, you may be new and exciting and willingly to sneak around with this snake, but ask for more, demand more and see what happens - "Next!" He doesn't want complications; he wants fun on the side. He want’s someone who is willing to compromise herself and shut-up and put out. "Wait... "but he loves me, we have a special bond, this is different!." If in doubt at all, I ask you to try this little experiment - tell him you are going to tell his wife about your affair if he doesn't... go ahead, see what happens next. You are not the victim, his wife is and you will always come off as the bad one, the pursuer, and the fatal attraction when this affair is exposed.
6. Sneaking Around - At first sneaking around may be exciting and alluring. You're living on the edge, risking getting caught, having passionate little meetings with your lover. You're like two teenagers sneaking away from the watchful eyes of your parents. This gets old fast! What comes with it is never being able to share stories about your wonderful new man, always showing up to events and parties alone. Not being able to call your lover on a whim to share good news or to say you need him because you're sick, or your sink is leaking, whatever. You are left waiting on his call, which may or may not come. You are last on his list. He may often make plans to meet somewhere but something comes up and he can't call to cancel because he is with his wife, so there you wait- alone!
7. Jealousy - So, you know that you are sharing him; if you're smart you know that he is still sleeping with his wife or at least showing some type of affection to her. It will eat you up inside. While you sit alone, you know she is getting the best of him. She doesn't know he is having an affair, it's not eating her alive that another woman is being intimate with her man. Of course his wife will hug him and kiss him and tell him she loves him. How awful must that feel when you are sitting alone again on a Friday night knowing that he may very well be spending a romantic evening with his wife? It's not a nice feeling knowing someone else is touching the man you love, but if you don't mind doing it to her, maybe you don't mind it being done to you.
8. He Will Throw You Under The Bus - You've decided you had enough; you're going to make him choose - it’s her or me! So, you find some clever way to expose your affair or you're even gutsy enough to tell his wife directly. When it's all said and done and the dust has settled, I bet ratting out the affair didn't get you your man. What you did do was get that poor man scrambling his ass off; he is in "fix it at whatever costs mode”. At this point he will do anything his wife asks, including never speak to you again. You may get a sudden call or an email asking you to never contact him again. He will call you a whore, a home wrecker and his biggest mistake. He will blame you for being an evil seductress who caught him on a bad day, or manipulated him in a weak moment. He will call you crazy and he will leave you with nothing but a scarlet letter and a big ole pile of guilt and shame.
9. Guilt - The after-effects of the affair begin to sink in. You realize you have been a contributing factor in the demise of a family and possibly a marriage. You see an innocent woman's world crumble and you see the pain in her face and the faces of her children. If you have any heart this will eat at you. I know there are women out there who love to see the innocent spouse suffer. They feel she is evil, they hate her because she is his wife. These women tried to compete, and they lost, so they take pleasure in her pain. If that's your deal then I guess guilt isn't a factor for you. However, as a member of the sisterhood, it damn well should be and you need a lesson in compassion if it isn't. It was not her fault, she took vows with this man, had his children and she certainly deserves to not have a third party involved in her relationship. You were wrong, no ifs, ands or buts about it... you intruded and you owe her an apology! It wouldn't hurt to apologize to yourself either, because you betrayed yourself as well. You deserved better as did she.
10. It's Out, Judgment day! - The affair has been exposed and there are two possible outcomes a) he threw you under the bus or b) you successfully stole a man away from his family. Prepare for what's next: People don't typically have sympathy or harbor nice feelings toward home wreckers. You are not going to be judged kindly and rightfully so! Most people are going to feel sorry for the wife and the children and you are going to be seen as an evil, cruel person. Sure you may still have your network of friends, but most people (who know about the affair) are going to walk away from a conversation with you with very ill feelings of you and your character. If you are looking for sympathy on judgment day, you are going to have a very difficult time finding it. Once this man throws you under the bus you are left to pick up the pieces of the affair by yourself; it's just not worth it!