The Perils of a Neurotic Man on a Date With a Lovely Woman
do not ask me to sit here and explain life to you. I can't. No one can but Jesus, so I advise you to just approach Him. I am not being cold hearted or trying to be an agnostic. I am just being up front with you about telling you why things (like the one I am going to talk about in a moment) happen. I guess that God loves a mystery.
The "thing" I am referring to is that one, once in a lifetime event of a neurotic, single guy somehow landing a dinner date with a lovely, hot, single girl who could get a modeling job on just her smile. See what I mean by being unexplainable?
It goes down
like this: "Henry," we will call him, is a normal guy, hard-working, honest, a good friend and neighbor, but he hides his neurotic side of worrying about everything from anthills to why some clouds look like Abe Lincoln. That's "Henry."
Then "that" one day rolls around. "Henry" is checking his mail in the lobby of the apartment building where he lives. Then he feels a bump on his shoulder. He looks to check it out and his eyes grow three sizes for the "bump" was in the form of a lovely blond girl, around 22, very curvacious and with a smile that could melt Antarctica.
"Henry" and the lovely girl chat for a moment. And somehow they hit it off. "Henry," who is normally shy, reserved, and neurotic, "goes for it," and asks her to have dinner with him. Lightning strikes somewhere in the area for she agrees to his proposal. Did "Henry" think "what do I have to lose?" We may never know, but what we do know is that he is on his way to having the night of his life.
The moment is at hand
for "Henry," who people after tonight will dub "the luckiest man on earth," and his date arrive at a great five-star restaurant. No worries. "Henry" can afford one meal at a place like this for he has saved his money--in hopes that his dream of taking a "doll" (like the one he is with) comes to pass.
"Henry" is 100% the gentleman. He seats his dinner date and gets a sexy look from her flawless face. His heart is beating so fast it is a wonder he has not had a cardiac arrest. A waiter, who moved at record-time, approaches their table and goes over the nightly-menu. Everything is perfect. Even Pope Francis could not pray for anything more-pleasing than "Henry" and a female angel preparing to dine.
Out of nowhere, it happens. "That" side of "Henry" that most everyone who knows him has seen at one time or another. That awful, annoying, and nerve-grinding neurotic side. Below are just few of the asinine things "Henry" did and said while under the influence of his neurotic affliction.
Other "Henrys" do and say equally-stupid things
- "Henry" almost yells at the humble waiter, "She will have a crab meat sandwich, no mayo, a half-slice of celery and water for she hates to gain weight. Me? I will take your biggest, juiciest rib-eye steak, baked potato, Caesar salad and bring us a bottle of your finest wine--who knows? I might get lucky tonight!"
- The embarrassed blond says, "'Henry,' that was unnecessary and I . . .
- "Henry" interrupts, "Oh, I did it. Sorreee. I ask your forgiveness. I just wanted to treat you right. I am treating you right? Right? The hot blond produces an understanding smile.
- "My right thigh is itching like crazy. You mind scratching it since you are closer to it than I am?" "Henry" asks without thinking how inappropriate his request sounds.
- (by now, the blond is nervous, but hides it well) "Henry," just relax. Be yourself."
- "Henry" takes offense at her sweet words, "Are you actually trying to order me around like one of your lackies? Huh?"
- Their waiter almost jogs to their table and in a casual voice says, "Please, sir. Other patrons are complaining about your loud tone of voice."
- The pretty blond is now hiding her face. "Henry," senses that he is screwing up and says, "I just cannot help myself. I have never been with anyone, oops, I mean, never dated a girl as sexy and gorgeous as you. Blame me. It is all my fault." The blond smiles, again, with understanding.
- "Excuse me, 'Henry," I need to go to the ladies room and freshen up," the blonde says in a hushed-voice. "Hey, let me go first and see if there are any jerks in your rest room. I cannot have anything happen to a pretty girl like you," he says. "(giggle), that's okay, dear 'Henry,' I am a big girl. I can handle it. Besides I hold a Black Belt in Karate."
- "Henry" watches her walk from the table and then his neurotic side kicks in again. "Hey, slugger," he says to the blonde which propels her into shock. "Black Belt, huh? Well, take this!" "Henry" shoves her back and almost makes her fall onto the table of a family eating their dinner.
- "What are you doing, 'Henry?" she says very scared.
- "I just wondered if I upset you a lot during dinner if you could whip by butt, and now I know that I can take you without trouble," "Henry" says with a cockiness in his voice.
- "You in here?" "Hey, 'Cindy,' which stall are you in?" "Henry" says while crawling on his all-fours.
- "What are you doing? This is so asinine. I want to go home," "Cindy" demands to an upset "Henry."
- "It was over half an hour, 'Cindy.' You had plenty of time to urinate or defecate like a normal person. I just thought you were sick or had been attacked," "Henry" struggles to explain.
- Other patrons laugh like horses at this couple while other patrons gaze at them in pity.
- "Henry," I am not that hungry. Thanks for an "interesting" evening, would you take me home now?"
- "Henry," is devastated by 'Cindy's" request. But obliges without any apologies.
"But 'Cindy,' let me say . . ." "Henry" tries to say while they walk toward the door.
"Cindy," smiles, then gets in her best Karate stance.
"Henry" shuts up and says nothing else as he walks her to his car.