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The Psychology of Internet Infidelity within Long-Term Relationships

Updated on February 23, 2014

'Men seeking women', 'women seeking men'

Boredom, a loss of mojo and/or familiarity leading to contempt within a relationship, may allure any committed partner to click on a link leading to a site for those in a similar situation.

'Men seeking women', 'women seeking men' are the automated keywords within the search criteria of these secret meeting places.

There are two types of sites - those targeting hard, 'no strings attached' or NSA encounters and those seeking love and committment. Whatever, I have come up with some very interesting findings.

Firstly, the NSA sites focus on hardcore titles that are set out to show women as sexual objects of desire and nothing more. These sites are inundated with men all seeking self gratification. It is, therefore, not surprising that there are far more men than women on these sites because women tend to seek emotional fulfillment, whereas, men tend to seek more physical.

Unhappily Married

Showing your 'Interests' as sexual tastes, positions and explicit desires, seems to show that men actually think that is what turn women on. This demonstrates precisely what is going on in the head of the man that these sites attract.

Women attracted to these sites, therefore, tend to understand this and, perhaps, accept that it is a fundamental part of a man's make-up. It could be considered that in order to obtain a partner, the carot is the hope of sex, the thrill of the chase and that, somehow, they may find a man who will eventually love them. Of course, all the man is thinking of is the present - self gratification.

If you consider that a man mainly uses the logical side of his brain, you will understand why he would think in terms of 'pidgeon holes' (a compartment for my wife, a compartment for my work, a compartment for Internet sex etc and never the twain shall meet), it is no wonder that it is perfectly logical to place his sexual interests in terms of 'interests' on his profile.

He may also bend the truth on his profile... 'seperated' or 'unhappily married'. In his mind this is a fact. He will justify this because he feels disconnected within his relationship. What he doesn't realise is the more he concentrates on Internet relationships, the more he is closer to infidelity. It is the thought that counts and this brings him away from what he should be focusing upon - the partner he is with in the real world.

The behaviour becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more he concentrates on the site concerned, sexual relations with his partner becomes less and the more he is drawn into the world of cyber sex. As a result, he may take this a stage further as the boundaries blur from the Internet world to the real world and it is only a matter of time that his secret is revealed.

40 Something Males

In my findings, it is remarkable to see that the majority of men attracted to explicitly named sites seem to be 40 somethings, going through some sort of mid-life crisis. Most of them display parts of their naked bodies to tempt the opposite sex with pieces of their flesh. Maybe, in their reality, pieces of female flesh turns them on so they think this is the same for female onlookers. Of course, there is no denying that many women enjoy a good, healthy and fit body. However, these seem to be far and few in number.

Women like kindness, not pieces of flesh, and the face and eyes are portals to this.

It was also found that women never needed to pay for full membership to these sites, whilst their male counterparts did. There appeared to be many complaints as to where all these lusty women were. The belief that many of these exist in the first place suggests that because they were lusty, that everyone was.

Finding Love?

Women are more emotional. They use both parts of the brain and this is why they are more able to multi-task and communicate more effectively than their male counterparts.

Those attracted to these explicitly named sites are more likely to do this as a way to find love through lust, whereas men use these sites as a way to find lust when they are not feeling loved.

Other dating sites produce different behaviours. Women and men are charged for using the site, men present themselves clothed and their profile's rarely talk about sexual preference. The interaction is slower as the balance of male/female are more evenly distributed. People seem to be more serious about love rather than lust.

Photo's And Profiles

A comparison was made on both sites. The same picture of a female was used with very little in terms of profile information. The explicit site found the woman bombarded with hundreds of messages from men. It was as if Tom cats from all over came swarming onto a cat on heat.

The profile information changed stating the following and the photo taken down, leaving it blank:

"Consider this... some lovely lady in your life looks after you, adores you and will do anything for you. You repay her with this? If you put the same effort into your relationship, adore her back, maybe she will secome to your mojo and you wouldn't be so bored. The grass isn't greener on the other side of the road... that is why you stay with her and fantasize about others. Do yourself a favour and be her Prince."

The term 'explicit site name' isn't inspiring, is it? Neither are the 'torso's', 'penises' and 'naked bodies on here! A decent girl just doesn't go for that!"

The change in the visual stimulation (i.e. photo) slowed down the web page views. What was interesting, however, was that it seemed that the message was more likely to be read. Messages to the writer was varied with aggressive and attempts to woo: 'I'll be your Prince'.

It wasn't too long, therefore, before complaints were made to the website and the female member was banned. It seemed that it was not acceptable to have this message on view on a website that targeted infidelity.

What About The Women?

Further investigation that included telephone calls to the various women that trolled these websites, were that there were a higher percentage that had mental health issues like bi-polar and other personality disorders. It seemed that their past relationships with men were as submissive victims. Many of the sample were angry, revengeful and prone to stalking their male counterparts, whilst others were inclined to protect them with the hope that he would strike up a more meaningful relationship with the men they encountered.

What really struck was that none of the women were really happy in their relationships or with themselves. They didn't know why they did it, only that it made them feel like they were special in the lead up and during their encounters.

And The Winner Is... Infidelity Websites!

Short term gains for long term loses for the men - sooner or later they get caught for there online depravity - and the downward spiral of the loss of self for women, whatever way you look at it, both parties appear to have self esteem issues.

You may call this a mid-life crisis for men or attention seeking by women but, one thing is for sure, the only winner here is the website. At £40 per month membership on a continuous direct debit (this isn't easy to cancel - you have to ring up between office hours and be convinced to stay by, invariably, a female call centre operator) it is only the owners of the website who will be gleefully watching the swelling bank balance. Of course, there is another area associated with great growth associated with this online behaviour... the divorce lawyer!

© 2014 shazwellyn


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    • shazwellyn profile imageAUTHOR


      4 years ago from Great Britain

      Good sound comment, dashingscorpio. Whatever, this is a dangerous game with only one winner and that is the website. The clever strategies they employ really do seem to work and, yes, it is down to base instinctual desires. However, there are many people with issues on these sites and it can be a very dangerous hobby to walk this path.

      Thank you for your contribution.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      4 years ago

      I believe more men are on the NSA sites because they aren't looking to have relationships.

      It's the same reason why more men are likely to pay for sex than women are. Men see a distinct line between sex and love. When a guy says is busted cheating off a site like that or with a stripper and he says, "She didn't mean nothing to me." There's a good chance he is telling his significant other the truth. From their point of view if you're thirsty/drink, hungry/eat, horny/sex.

      Nevertheless we cannot ignore the fact that there are women on these sites! Ashley Madison boasts about the number of housewives they have registered who are looking to have an "affair".

      The primary goal of any cheater is to hold onto all that is good in their primary relationship while addressing their other needs on the side. Most cheaters are not looking to replace one relationship with another relationship or go through a messy divorce. Their goal is to have it all!

      Most men who go to strip clubs, visit porn websites, chat rooms, or NSA websites are looking for a fantasy. The women in these venues act as though they LOVE sex. They talk to men as though they can't get enough of them, and they express what it is they want to do with them.

      Women on the other hand they're used to men approaching them or hitting on them. Unless a guy is a rich famous celebrity odds are he will never know what it feels like to have women throw themselves at him. Therefore these men are willing to (pay) not only for sex but the "fantasy" of being (desired) like a sex object. Odds are their wives or significant others do not clamor after them in that way. Another factor may be the type of sex these men want to have. It's possible their wives or mates would never want to engage in the activity they have in mind.

      Having said that anyone who has ever seen an episode of "Cheaters" or "The Maury Povich Show" AKA "You are not the father!" is aware that neither gender is standing on "holy ground" when it comes to cheating. Even women in (lesbian) relationships have been known to cheat on one another.


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