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The Consequences of Dating An Older Man and Dealing With The Break Up Part

Updated on September 7, 2015
Madonna Bugayong profile image

Madonna lives in Gardena, Ca with her 2 kids. She attends LATTC for Business and Psychology, and she's a survivor and human rights activist.

The Fasination Of Dating an Older Man

I recently had a heartbroken friend confess about her break-up with her ex and how she can’t let him go. I really feel terrible when one of my close friends is going through the whole break-up stage because of the emotional sadness and pain that they suffer from. A break-up is always hard to deal with especially if your ex was also your best friend and your relationship ended badly. I don’t think anyone can really move on quickly or at all from losing a best friend because we always have that person in the back of our mind and any little thing that reminds you of them can tend to bring a certain aching in your heart and in that moment we miss them.

My friend Lisa was in a relationship with her ex for almost 2 years. When she first met him she wasn’t looking for a relationship and he wasn’t either. They had fun together and were very much alike. They liked the same music, they enjoyed watching football together, they loved to party, have a good time and they had great sex. They both were the same zodiac sign and had birthdays in the same week. He was about 10 years older than her and he was seasoned. He showed her new and exciting places like restaurants and bars. She had new experiences with him and loved that he was full of life, had a great personality and heart. He introduced her to new friends and loved to show her off. He made her feel alive and she instantly fell for him. He was smooth and dominating which she liked. His amazing stories and advice about life truly fascinated her. They took care of each other and supported each other’s goals and ambitions. Lisa mentioned something very important about him, that from the beginning he stated that he would do whatever he wanted and see whoever he wanted because he is a free single man and would never live on his knees again.

The Older Man's Intentions

Just recently they ended their relationship. She wanted more commitment and loyalty. He wanted a more stable and established woman with less drama to deal with. They both loved each other passionately but couldn’t see eye to eye anymore. Lisa wasn’t stable yet, she had to think about herself and that meant focusing on a career and reaching her goals she set. She still had a roommate and needed her own place. She still needed a new car and needed a steady income. He was already settled and established. He wasn’t doing badly at all, he had his own place and car but he also needed more income. They spent so much time together at his new place that she helped him move into that she also felt like it was hers too. They had a relationship with no title and a soulmate friendship. She was in love with him and he loved her but I’m not sure if he was in love with her. She let herself give into this man that she loved and she would’ve never thought that he would hurt her the way that he did. Lisa caught him in many lies about cheating and he swore up and down he was being faithful. Lisa finally ended the relationship after she caught him in a lie. I mean he literally lied to her face and she was hurt. She packed up all her stuff at his place and went home. She cried and missed him so much but she just couldn’t face him. She yearned for things to get back to how they once were but it just didn’t happen. She felt betrayed by her best friend and she couldn’t let the anger go because it was too much. She tried to see things in his perspective but she couldn’t trust him anymore. They both tried to remain friends and make it work but for whatever reason they always fought and put each other down. Lisa started to focus on herself and tried to forget him. She started doing really well with work, her kids were much happier, she spent more time bonding with family again and going out with friends. Her confidence was slowly coming back and she was becoming independent and turning into a stronger more stable woman.

Now this is where it gets me. She was doing so good focusing on herself and paid little attention to him. Like he said, he needed an established woman that was stable. She thought that if he seen this action from her that he would respect her and finally commit because he pushed her to better herself and that’s exactly what he wanted. My friend was hysterical and in tears which broke my heart for her because he was still putting her down and he thought she was garbage and still wasn’t good enough. He told her that he started messing around with a new woman and that she was only 18 years old. He told her that the reason he liked her was because she could follow his directions and he would be able to mold her into the perfect woman. She had a better body because her booty was bigger and she was thicker than her. He told Lisa that he’s known her for a while and he even slept with her while she was underage but ended it when he found out that she lied about her age. But now that they were over he rekindled his relationship with this new and very young woman that was now of legal age.

Men In Their 30-40's

I tried to understand this change and his motives but I just couldn’t. I feel so sorry for Lisa and I’ve tried to give her the best advice to just move on from him now. She is slowly moving on again but it just brought her self- esteem down and she’s a very depressed person at the moment. I asked many people about their thoughts on older men dating younger women because Lisa’s ex is in his 40’s and that’s a 22 year old age difference with his new young lady. Most men between the ages 30-and 40 said they wanted an established woman because younger woman were way more work. They think that a young woman will have bad intentions and will use an older established man based only on the stability and security that they can provide. It’s also a big turn-off when a young woman looks at them like a dad and there’s no actual physical attraction. She’s also never really experienced a true heartbreak because she’s so young and she’s more likely to become needy and insecure. She also might experience intimacy issues that can lead to more of a headache. The advice I got from these men, was to make sure when you think about dating someone younger that it’s with your heart and your brain- not with what’s in your pants.

Men In Their 40's and Older

I asked men in their 40’s and above the same question. Some were in happy relationships and some were single and experiencing their mid-life crisis. Older men that chase younger women have gone through a long and difficult marriage or relationship so they feel the need to date someone younger for less stress and drama. Some older men state by dating a younger woman it validates that “they still got it”. That attraction of a girl barely out of her teens empowers them to feel youthful, strong and confident again. Like Lisa explained to me in the beginning of their relationship, he showed her new and exciting things because he was 10 years older than her. Older men have less work trying to impress a younger woman because of their age difference and this is why young woman will be amazed by these new experiences. Men will completely turn down a hurt woman that’s been lied to in the past because to him she will always think that he’s lying and so they seek a less cynical younger woman.

After much research, I came to the conclusion that my friend Lisa was once the younger woman that made him feel youthful again after a long bad relationship. That’s why it’s so hard for her to move on from him after this painful experience. From the beginning he stated he was a free man and they both could do whatever they wanted. She looked up to him and listened to him and he was fatherly to her. He spoke about all his life experiences and lessons for her to learn from and Lisa taught him the knowledge of technology and new things of today’s culture. She didn’t realize that he was actually molding her into a perfect woman for the next man in her life. It saddens me to think that people go through this experience every day and it causes severe damage to one’s trust issues and commitment relationship issues. The best advice I gave my friend was to move on because you can’t compete with her and your ex’s business is no longer your business.

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