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The Return of Sexy

Updated on June 14, 2013

Volume XI

Just before our commitment ceremony in 2008, my close friend suggested that me and my wife not have sex the entire week leading up to our 'wedding'. Well, we did not have sex that week, night or for several weeks afterwards. We had definitely lost our sexy, and it would take us three years to get it back.

Before the age of 28, I had what most would consider a healthy sex drive. My wife and I had sex multiple times a week and, quite often, multiple times a day (That's what we call a sexcapade.). We placed no boundaries on our sexual exploits as long as were experiencing them together. But in 2008 life shifted; and, foolishly, taking care of home wasn't a priority for me anymore. I pledged two sororities- one Greek and the other non-Greek- was completing my final year of college, working, and planning a wedding. I was exhausted and had no interest in having sex. I didn't even realize that my sex life had become non-existent until my wife stopped asking.

While we weren't having sex often, I could count on her asking for sex multiple times a week. I regularly said 'no'; but, I knew that whenever I was ready she would be asking for it and I could simply say 'yes'. Well, the asking stopped. When I called her on it, she honestly said that she was tired of being turned down. A part of me was crushed, but another part of me was relieved. Truthfully, I wanted to be wanted, but I didn't really want to have sex. Then the atmosphere shifted again. She wasn't asking and wasn't taking when I was offering either. She was ill.

I was so caught up in my new career, graduate school, and sorority life that I didn't even notice that her health was deteriorating. It started with a leg or hip or back hurting. Then she was in the bed all day. The doctor's visits increased, and slowly she acquired a pharmacy next to our bed. Needless to say, she definitely didn't want to have sex. Again, my sex drive was low so I was cool until I realized that she almost couldn't have sex at all. That lasted until about 2011 when her health improved.

Although I knew that I had lost my sex drive, I conveniently blamed our lack of sex on her illness. But when she got better, I had to accept my role and begin my journey to correct the problem. My career had taken over my life. Anyone who has ever been a teacher knows that the first few years are the hardest. I would be in my classroom until six or seven o'clock at night. So stressed, I would leave work and head straight to the bar. That had to stop. Also, my career required me to dress conservatively. As I acquired my work wardrobe, I neglected to buy clothes for outside of work. I had to begin buying those low cut tops and dresses that she likes to see me in and that I actually like to wear. I had to change up my hairstyle also. I had gotten comfortable with the same conservative hairstyle. I found a beautician that could give me the edger styles that made me feel sexy and youthful. I even started reading sexier books. When I wasn't in the mood, I would lie next to her in bed and read Fifty Shades of Grey or a sexy short story I purchased on my Nook for $0.99- a small price to pay for what I received in return, Lastly I started working out. I don't know the science of how a workout gives you sexual energy, but it has happened to me. After a long walk and a shower the only thing I want to do is scream her name.

If you had told my at 25 that I would ever lose my sex drive, I would have adamantly denied such foolishness. In my early to mid-twenties I felt like I had enough lust to last a lifetime. But I have learned that it is really only enough to last until the next time and sometimes you have to create it. Damn, it feels good having my sexy back.

(Scroll down to share with me how you got your sexy back or keep your sexy alive.)

I'm Bringing Sexy Back


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    • AMarie Jackson profile image

      AMarie Jackson 5 years ago from Summerville, South Carolina

      Some of the things you suggested are exactly what I had to do. What I found is that once you have experienced everything you think is possible grab a book, go online, ask a friend, because there is always something else to try.

    • Bridgett Pinkney profile image

      Bridgett Pinkney 5 years ago

      I think we all go through this at one point in time in a relationship. whether you are in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or 50s; losing your sexy is not a good feeling. Especially when its something that just sort of happens. I have corrected it and I'm just as ready as I was when I was 20. I keep my sexy going by feeling good about myself, dressing sexy and trying new things and places. I keep it fresh and exciting. I also keep an open mind, I will try something with him and see if I like it. I know how he is and how he feels about intimacy, how important it is to him. I try not to loose sight of us as a couple and our sexual needs and the need to have that intimate contact.

    • AMarie Jackson profile image

      AMarie Jackson 5 years ago from Summerville, South Carolina

      I am happy you enjoyed it. So many women have gone through this, are going through this, or will go through this, we have to learn to share our experiences to help others heal.

    • profile image

      just me 5 years ago

      wow after reading this it made me think about ALOT of things. Most I can relate too. At times we do become so engulfed in our career and tend to loose sight of other things...but then again it's NOT about the things we go through in life, it;s about the REACTIONS we take/have once we go through those things. :-) I enjoyed reading. Thanks!