- Gender and Relationships»
- Romantic Intimacy
The Return of Sexy
Just before our commitment ceremony in 2008, my close friend suggested that me and my wife not have sex the entire week leading up to our 'wedding'. Well, we did not have sex that week, night or for several weeks afterwards. We had definitely lost our sexy, and it would take us three years to get it back.
Before the age of 28, I had what most would consider a healthy sex drive. My wife and I had sex multiple times a week and, quite often, multiple times a day (That's what we call a sexcapade.). We placed no boundaries on our sexual exploits as long as were experiencing them together. But in 2008 life shifted; and, foolishly, taking care of home wasn't a priority for me anymore. I pledged two sororities- one Greek and the other non-Greek- was completing my final year of college, working, and planning a wedding. I was exhausted and had no interest in having sex. I didn't even realize that my sex life had become non-existent until my wife stopped asking.
While we weren't having sex often, I could count on her asking for sex multiple times a week. I regularly said 'no'; but, I knew that whenever I was ready she would be asking for it and I could simply say 'yes'. Well, the asking stopped. When I called her on it, she honestly said that she was tired of being turned down. A part of me was crushed, but another part of me was relieved. Truthfully, I wanted to be wanted, but I didn't really want to have sex. Then the atmosphere shifted again. She wasn't asking and wasn't taking when I was offering either. She was ill.
I was so caught up in my new career, graduate school, and sorority life that I didn't even notice that her health was deteriorating. It started with a leg or hip or back hurting. Then she was in the bed all day. The doctor's visits increased, and slowly she acquired a pharmacy next to our bed. Needless to say, she definitely didn't want to have sex. Again, my sex drive was low so I was cool until I realized that she almost couldn't have sex at all. That lasted until about 2011 when her health improved.
Although I knew that I had lost my sex drive, I conveniently blamed our lack of sex on her illness. But when she got better, I had to accept my role and begin my journey to correct the problem. My career had taken over my life. Anyone who has ever been a teacher knows that the first few years are the hardest. I would be in my classroom until six or seven o'clock at night. So stressed, I would leave work and head straight to the bar. That had to stop. Also, my career required me to dress conservatively. As I acquired my work wardrobe, I neglected to buy clothes for outside of work. I had to begin buying those low cut tops and dresses that she likes to see me in and that I actually like to wear. I had to change up my hairstyle also. I had gotten comfortable with the same conservative hairstyle. I found a beautician that could give me the edger styles that made me feel sexy and youthful. I even started reading sexier books. When I wasn't in the mood, I would lie next to her in bed and read Fifty Shades of Grey or a sexy short story I purchased on my Nook for $0.99- a small price to pay for what I received in return, Lastly I started working out. I don't know the science of how a workout gives you sexual energy, but it has happened to me. After a long walk and a shower the only thing I want to do is scream her name.
If you had told my at 25 that I would ever lose my sex drive, I would have adamantly denied such foolishness. In my early to mid-twenties I felt like I had enough lust to last a lifetime. But I have learned that it is really only enough to last until the next time and sometimes you have to create it. Damn, it feels good having my sexy back.
(Scroll down to share with me how you got your sexy back or keep your sexy alive.)