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The Rise and Fall of the In-Betweens

Updated on September 19, 2016
H Andelsmen profile image

H. Andelsmen realized her girlfriends were asking advice, often, because she herself has been through so much, so she decided to share.

Neither here nor there

These days it seems like we are all 'in-between' different phases in our lives. And yes, I said we, myself included. We are in-between in any one or multiple of the following ways:

  • ready to settle down or newly single
  • childless or done having children
  • seeking a relationship or not seeking anything serious
  • financially secure or financially struggling
  • raising very young children or a parent to grown/older children
  • gainfully employed or unemployed and going back to school
  • testing the waters or letting the water drain out and filling with new water

I find myself in-between a rock and a hard place. Most men near my age are either just getting out of something (marriage, relationship, or cohabitation) and have that wild hair you know where. No, thank you. Then, there are those who are ready to set it into warpspeed but, they are nothing close to what I want. Am I being too picky? Probably. I keep reminding myself to be open minded, be less contradictory, be more willing and participatory. It hasn't been easy.

I see those who are the fitness fanatics and all I can think of is that they expect that they should have a younger, fitter, tighter model. Or those whom seemingly have it all together and all I can think of is that they expect that they can have whatever they want but, they want plenty of variety. Or those strikingly handsome ones with the lip biting profile pics (y'all know that's ridiculous) and all I can think of is that they sending pictures to who knows how many different women. All of that is me being in-between interested and not anymore.

So, when it comes to all this dating I'm neither here and presently dating and enjoying it, nor am I there where I am ready to settle it on down for the duration.


People are all over the spectrum and majorities land far at one end or the other. This is why it is important to be flexible. We have to be willing to slide that scale a little more in favor of the other way sometimes in order to find that happy, stable, evening out state instead of a wild teetering. I am still getting there. In my past, I very much enjoyed the whole dating scene, and I was very good at it. I could successfully obtain dates from most of those that I wanted to and it was on a rare occasion that there were not follow up dates. Most of the time that was by my choice.

Now, I just am kinda not in the mood for it all. It just feels like I have seen it all before. Such predictability in it all. It bores me. I have dated plenty but, I always ended up in a relationship. A wide variety of men in fact, they were all very different in the beginning but, in the last few years there became more similarities amongst them. After this last relationship ended what I was more upset about than anything was that I had to go back into dating, knowing how much I was over it. Have I been wasteful in tossing away relationships? Yes. Do I regret it? Aboslutely not. All of my experiences have gotten me to where I am today which is single and looking, but I the advantage I have now more than ever is that I know exactly what I want from someone. I know how I need to feel when I am with them. I know how I need to feel when I am without them. The best part of all is I am more knowing, of my wants, than I have ever been.


I want to get there. I'm actually half way there. I am ready to settle down, it's just I am not ready to just settle for the sake of settling. Everyday is not easy with just anyone. Everyday is extremely hard with someone you like and can get along with because most of us have lives where it isn't just us. We have children or we have our own homes or we have pets that can't be left alone or we have aging parents we have to tend to. We all have stuff going on prior to meeting someone. Some of us know how to handle our lives and how to merge someone into them. Some of us don't. I just can't see myself taking a leap of faith anymore. That was once part of my allure I think.

At this point, to get there I am going to have to be drug by my hair cave man style. Problem is, I felt like I got burned in my last relationship. I put my faith in someone else and it didn't work. Now, I have a problem giving someone my phone number. "Keep it here for now," has became my mantra while chatting online. I know I am being too hard. I just don't see the point in making it easy on someone. I have a strong personality. If you know it from the beginning, then no surprise later on. If you jump through hurdles to get to know me, then you deserve that chance. I don't pretend to be something I am not. And easy is something I am not. Wouldn't I be cheating a man out if I let on like I am this easy going, giggle at every joke, push over girl but, once I get him in a relationship become a hard nose, do what you say, say what you do type? Yes! I wouldn't want to be done that way so, I try my best to be straight foward. I'm fiesty. I'm sassy. I'm super fun and funny but, if I am not happy you are going to know it. It takes a dynamic person to counter me. These are all things that I already know. It is this knowing as well that is going to help me get there. I know what type of man I need to deal with me.


We all rise to that peak where we think we have it figured out. As we are dating and having fun we are rising to top and enjoying the ride. Jerry Seinfeld describes it well; although, he was speaking of marriage in "The Matrimony" he hit the nail on the head about how their is a climax. We rise up and feel a higher degree of self worth when we have choices. The higher we climb, the better we feel. Eventually that climb hits a ceiling. We top out and plateau and must decide how to maintain or gravity takes over and we fall.


There must be give and take to have balance. Continuing amid a struggle will only force a tangled knot. We have to choose where we can afford to give in a little. I know that I must adapt. In order to progress with anyone, I have to give in at times. And they. By continuing to label ourselves according to phases of our lives we ensure that we fall somewhere in-between where we are and where we want to be. We all need to stop categorizing ourselves and compartmentalizing what part of our lives we allow others to share with us. If we behave as though we are going between, we will always fall in-between the cracks of any relationship.

© 2016 HanDelsmen


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