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The Colorless Womb and Surrogacy
A question of ethics: Should race make a difference when deciding on using a Surrogate?
'The Colorless Womb' is the new book written by Mrs. KG about her ordeal after choosing a surrogate of a different race.
"We are all more the same than we are different. That our embryo has the ability to grow just as easily, just as vibrant, and just as human as it would have if I carried it is what those who are against a surrogate of different race need to understand. We may look very different on the outside, but on the inside where it counts, we are all the same" ~ Mrs. KG
The stories of couples who decide to use a surrogate to start their families is filled with heartbreaking stories of tugs-of-war over children.
Natural parents sue for custody, adoptive parents sue to keep the children they have grown to love, divorced couples fight desperately for possession of the children, surrogate mothers have a change of heart and want to keep the child they carried for 9 months; and the public takes sides in these wrenching melodramas, but really there can be no winners, only survivors.
Mrs. KG is one of those survivors. Married to a doctor and living in a affluent neighborhood of Atlanta, Georgia, as a successful business woman in the pharmaceutical industry, Ms. KG and her husband had tried for several years to start a family, but could not like so many who try. So, they decided on surrogacy.
The use of a surrogate typically is the artificial insemination, and a traditional surrogate is a woman who is artificially inseminated with the father's sperm. She then carries the baby and delivers it for the parents to raise. A traditional surrogate is typically the baby's biological mother. But a "gestational" surrogate, has no biological connection to the child, as in this case of Mrs. KG and her husband Dr. DG.
There were a number of reservations about using a surrogate, this definitely isn't something that anyone enters into without giving it a huge amount of consideration, the feeling of inadequacy and perceived failure and wondering what others would think about the decision, is what plagues you, but after the pain of being childless, not by choice, overtake you, all those concerns go out the window. In my case, my husband and I knew that due to my age (39 at the time) and my previous medical history that if we were going to consider having a child, we would more than likely have to seek In-Vitro, which we did. I'd previously suffered late stage (5 & 6 month) miscarriages so we knew that the chances of me carrying a child to term was almost impossible, but we'd prayed for a miracle.
The good news is that going through in-vitro allowed us to create frozen embryos. We did move forward with transferring a few of the frozen embryos on the off chance that a full term pregnancy would result, that we would receive that miracle, but each time resulted in disappointment, several years into this we decided we wanted to give up and sought adoption, as the main desire was to pour love into a child regardless of biology, this led us to an Attorney, who changed our lives.
Mrs. KG and Dr. DG decided to use a surrogate and have the family they wanted. It never occurred to them that choosing a surrogate mother of a different race would cause such controversy in their lives.
The idea of surrogacy, once accepted by the general public, allows a couple to have the family they were being denied. But the ethical questions and extreme reactions that took place for Mrs. KG and Dr. DG when they decided on a White surrogate became at times, scary, troublesome, and created doubt.
But should race make any difference when deciding to use surrogacy as a way to have the family you want? After all, this was going to be a gestational surrogacy, where the surrogate truly is just the host carrying the baby.
Well, race certainly did make a difference for Mrs. KG and Dr. DG! Family members questioned why they would use a "White" person, and what effects having a white surrogate would have on the baby. And, colleagues would ask a lot of the same questions, even to the point of becoming intrusive in a personal matter between a husband and wife.
"My husband's and my experience with bringing our beautiful son into this world through surrogacy showed us that racial divisions have gotten wider in this country. We are all more the same than we are different. That our embryo has the ability to grow just as easily, just as vibrant, and just as human as it would have if I carried it is what those who are against a surrogate of different race need to understand. We may look very different on the outside, but on the inside where it counts, we are all the same", says Mrs. KG.
When President Obama became President of the United States, many people believed that this was a signal for all of us Americans to come closer together in our quest for the American Dream as citizens of a great nation.
It seems the last 8 years has raised more questions about race relations in this country. Certainly, if we ask the question of whether race should play a factor in gestational surrogacy, and we can come to know better, we will do better. That is certainly what Mrs. KG and Dr. DG have done as they raise the son surrogacy allowed them to have.
Q&A with Mrs. KG
Q: Mrs. KG, you are a mom to a son where after years of trying to have a child, you and your husband decided to go with a surrogate. Of course there has been a lot of controversy and misunderstandings about surrogacy over the years. Was there any reservations on your part, or with your husband, about using this method, and what was the determining factor to go this route for you two?
A: There were a number of reservations about using a surrogate, this definitely isn't something that anyone enters into without giving it a huge amount of consideration, the feeling of inadequacy and perceived failure and wondering what others would think about the decision, is what plagues you, but after the pain of being childless, not by choice, overtake you, all those concerns go out the window. In my case, my husband and I knew that due to my age (39 at the time) and my previous medical history that if we were going to consider having a child, we would more than likely have to seek In-Vitro, which we did. I'd previously suffered late stage (5 & 6 month) miscarriages so we knew that the chances of me carrying a child to term was almost impossible, but we'd prayed for a miracle. The good news is that going through in-vitro allowed us to create frozen embryos. We did move forward with transferring a few of the frozen embryos on the off chance that a full term pregnancy would result, that we would receive that miracle, but each time resulted in disappointment, several years into this we decided we wanted to give up and sought adoption, as the main desire was to pour love into a child regardless of biology, this led us to an Attorney, who changed our lives.
Q: What is the procedure on using a surrogate, is there a center to match you with a surrogate mother, or do you just find your own candidate?
A: In our case, we met with an attorney to discuss adoption, she is a full service attorney who handles adoption as well as surrogacy. She asked if we'd considered surrogacy, primarily because, we disclosed that we'd still had frozen embryos. She outlined that "gestational surrogacy" meant that the surrogate would use our embryos, therefore, would have no biological connection to our child. This had never crossed our minds, but the possibility that we could have a biological child after all that we'd endured seemed promising. We decided to delay adoption and look into this process. Since the attorney didn't have anyone "available" at the time, I went online and discovered that there are a number of young women, who are willing to endure 10 months of pregnancy to bring joy to some one else. We actually move forward with a couple of women we connected with online, but the health of the surrogate is extremely important both physically and mentally. A psychological test must be passed, once passed a complete physical work up is done. The surrogate also has to have children of her own, mainly to confirm that she is capable of carrying a child to term. Neither of these situation panned out and again we found ourselves considering adoption. We ultimately received a call from our attorney about an "experienced" surrogate and wanted to set up a meeting, we jumped on the opportunity
Q: How did you decide on the surrogate mother you chose, and what, if any, were the apprehensions on her part about doing this for you?
A: We met our surrogate through our attorney, she contacted us to alert us that she'd found someone who would be a perfect candidate and the good news was that she'd done this previously, so she knew the ins and outs and the dos and don'ts of surrogacy. As anyone can expect, the meeting was initially awkward, but not for reasons one would expect. Our initial apprehension was the fact that my husband and I are African American, the two previous surrogacy candidates were both African American so we just assumed the surrogate would be...well, African American. We remembered the attorney telling us she was an experienced surrogate, but what we didn't remember the attorney telling us was that the surrogate was white, although we hadn't found the previous candidates through our attorney, we just assumed the surrogate would be black since we were black. There's the getting to know you, getting to know me stage that you have to get through, but deeper than that was my ignorance of not realizing that race had no bearing on this woman ability to carry my child. Before long the conversation seemed to flow, our husbands both had the same names and the fact that we were all Christians, gave us some kind of assurance that we were all "good" people. At the end of the meeting, which had now turned into a trip to a local Mexican Restaurant, I told our surrogate "I would love to go through this journey with you, I hope that you will consider us". She told me she wanted to speak with her children, the next day she called me and told me she'd be honored to carry our child.
Q: Do you have a sort of family spirit between the two of you as mothers and as a family?
A: We correspond often, we will lways have a connection with her, its one that's unexplainable. She delivered to us one of the greatest gifts a person could ever receive, our beautiful son D. The journey was incredible and life changing.
Q: Of course, your story, with all of the perceived complications of surrogacy, has the added issue of race where you and the surrogate, who is a Caucasian woman, and you an African American, that brought up some conflicts that deal with race, and is the main reason for this article.
What was your experience, and how has that impacted your lives, both your family and the surrogate's family?
We really want people to understand exactly what is means to be a gestational surrogate. During the process, we were asked a million questions because of her race. "Will the child look like her", "will our child have her blood", will the baby be healthy, not just because of surrogacy, but also because of the embryos having been frozen. We have a beautiful healthy son, who looks just like us, I would do this all over again.
Q: You have a healthy 2 and 1/2 year old son now. What would you say to any women out there who have struggled with having a child and are considering using a surrogate to deliver their baby? There are a number of "mature" woman who are longing to become moms, but due to reproductive concerns, that may not be possible by traditional means, we wanted to educate people that there may be other avenues of becoming parents, the financial commitment of surrogacy does suggest that it is not for everyone, but at the same time its not just for celebrities. After all is said and done, this journey taught me that in the age of so much racial tension and unrest, we are more the same than was are different. The gift that my husband and I received was absolutely beautiful and it didn't come from anyone who looked like us.
Excerpt from - 'The Colorless Womb'
For years I dreamed about this moment. I waited patiently for this time to come.
Through silent prayers, I asked God for guidance to fully explain this complex fabric that weaved together my journey. I wasn’t sure where to start and it definitely wasn’t a simple decision to conclude. For starters, admitting to the world that I was barren was not an easy road to travel. Wouldn’t that in essence validate my inadequacies? Wouldn’t it scream to society that I was different, a failure, an oddity, and somehow not fully a woman? After all, women were expected
to have children. It was one thing to say you didn’t want kids. But, to the contrary, it was a totally different dynamic to confess you physically couldn’t. If I stood
before the mound of societal judgment and the scrutiny ball was hurled, surely I’d swing my bat only to hear the umpire yell, “Strike one!” Fast forward, to being an African American woman deep into her late-thirties and desperately
still trying to start a family.
A second curve ball thrown my way, “strike two”! It didn’t take Ray Charles to see the odds were clearly stacked against me. I suffered from guilt, anxiety, depression, ridicule, and anguish. Like many women in my situation, I was distressed and searched through several options to ultimately fixate on surrogacy as the resolute one. But, after many disastrous attempts; financially exhaustive and failed efforts, the only option left was to link arms with the last woman willing to undergo this process with me. This would seem like a clear-cut win right? The only catch was I’m black and my surrogate is white. By America’s standards that was definitely “strike three”!
Excerpt from - 'The Colorless Womb'
I will be the first to tell you, my journey wasn’t a simple one. My life wasn’t guileless either. At times, prior to the miracle of my son, I suffered deep dark agony.
It was only by the grace of God that I made it through. I cradled secrets, co-dependency, surrounded by addictions, miscarriages and unrelenting abuse. My testimony is filled with trials, tribulations, heartache and happiness.
For those of you struggling with infertility, considering surrogacy, or coming to terms with your decision to take this journey, this story is for you. I pray that God touches you in a miraculous way to see there is happiness at the end of the rainbow.
What is Gestational Surrogacy?
Gestational surrogacy is an arrangement in which a woman carries and delivers a baby for someone else. The woman who carries the baby is the gestational surrogate or gestational carrier. The parents-to-be are known as the "intended parents" and are involved in the pregnancy, are present at the birth, and become the child's parents after the baby is born.
In gestational surrogacy, the baby isn't genetically related to the gestational surrogate – the egg usually comes from the intended mother and the sperm comes from the intended father (though donor eggs, donor embryos, or donor sperm are sometimes used).
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a necessary part of this arrangement because eggs from one woman are used to create an embryo implanted in another. In IVF, fertilization occurs after eggs and sperm are combined in a laboratory. The resulting embryo or embryos are then transferred to the gestational surrogate's uterus.
What are the challenges of gestational surrogacy?
Whether you set up the arrangement through an agency or negotiate it privately, using a gestational surrogate is a legally complex and emotionally intense process. If you decide to go this route, be prepared to commit a lot of time, money, and patience to succeed.
Currently, a handful of states allow gestational surrogacy contracts, but they aren't always enforceable depending on what's legal. Some states require couples to be married, and some don't allow gestational surrogates to be compensated. Also, there may be requirements about sexual orientation.
Most states don't have specific laws covering gestational surrogacy, so it's important to work with a licensed attorney in your state who has expertise in third party reproduction. An attorney can advise you on your options and draft a legally binding contract.
"The [Church] is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born".— Comedian, Elayne Boosler
The Ethics and Legal Issues
Modern Family Surrogacy Center
- Modern Family Surrogacy Center, San Diego, Los Angeles, Orange County, California, International
At Modern Family Surrogacy, we know and understand today’s difficulties in starting a family. Let us guide you along your journey to parenthood, through surrogacy.
From a Surrogate's Perspective
- I'm a white woman but I've become a surrogate mother for an Asian couple | Daily Mail Online
On November 9 last year, 38-year-old Karen Streeter gave birth at University College Hospital in London to a healthy baby boy following a troublefree, three-hour labour. It was the sixth baby she's given birth to and his safe arrival was greeted with