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The Theory of the Three-The Three Types of Guys You'll Meet While Online Dating
How the Theory Was Created
There's nothing like getting a text telling you someone does not want to meet you in real life after you've made what seems like a perfect online dating connection.
It stills your heart. It makes you doubt yourself. It makes you doubt others. In fact, it can kill all your desire to try online dating again if you suffer from low self-esteem.
Thank goodness I only suffer from medium self-esteem which assures that I get back up from the blow and try again, only this time with even less trust than I had before, which to me, seems almost impossible. How could I possibly trust less, but somehow, with each disappointment, I do.
Still, I had to think to myself, “What is wrong with guys? No really! What is wrong with them?” Because it can not possibly always be me. I'm sure that's the first thought on the mind of person with less self-esteem than me but I felt I had to question it all. My friends who are guys think I'm awesome. My girlfriends think I'm awesome. Even my exes think I'm awesome. So what is going on here that I can't get more than half the guys that seemed to connect well to me online to commit to a meeting with me in real life? Well, after a ton of thinking and a lot of questioning guys about their online dating habits I think I have my answer. What I've learned about guys from guys may shock you girls. It may even shock some of you guys to recognize yourself in one of the three descriptions I'm going to share here. It may even anger some enough to inspire hate mail that screams at me telling me I'm a man-hater. I will tell you I'm no such thing. I love guys. I love people.
This is why it hurts so much to impart all this information that I have gathered over the last month. Guys, I am going to bust your games up. Make some girls re-assess their current online beaus. Take some of those girls away by telling them what to look out for. Have some of those girls actually decide not to have a meet with some of you (boy do I know this last one hurts!). Still, if I don't do this I know someone out there will only end up hurt when they do have the meet or the disappointment from being stood up.
You see girls, guys really are different creatures when it comes to dating, and relationships in general. Their minds are geared to react in the same way for the same situation all across the board, even if it's crazy to do so.
Did any of you girls realize that most guys will only take a chance with you on any given dating site if you are actually logged in and present? It's true. If you are not logged in they will wait until you are and try then. Most dating sites have an app that you pay for that will tell you when your favorite profiled people pop on. Guys make up a grand majority of the paid members and apparently don’t like to wait for a rejection. They want it swiftly or not at all. If you try to waffle they will drop you from their list (unless you're really hot and you know who you are girls!) and move on to someone who shows a true interest. Also guys will take your rejection of their number on that same drop list. It doesn't matter that you didn't ask for it either. It's all the same.
Guys that are searching for girls online are of three different philosophies. None of these philosophies are in any way wrong, unless you were expecting something from them that was promised and not delivered. Just note though, that when any man has decided to go online for any relationship what-so-ever, that they have a very defined idea of what they're looking for. I will call these guys:
The Deep Committers
The Hook-Up Artists
The Virtual Lovers
Here they are:
The Deep Committers:
These guys want a deep connection with someone. They can't find it in their circle. They've been hurt or used by one or a countless number of girls. They are shy and will usually not last long on any given dating site due to rejection. They have probably been Catfished at least once. They want to meet as soon as possible in real life and will desire to know all about you. Deep Committers actually have an intention to show you their lifestyle. This means they will actually take you out on real dates. These are the potential stalkers which is their only real failing. If a girl is looking for a deep committed relationship it's perfect. The problem comes when you want to date more than one person and make it clear you are only trying to date various men. I call it the theory of the chase. Men will chase you if they think you have an intention of getting deeper when they are Deep Committers. If they realize you want more than one guy to chase you they will quickly bow out. If you are dating more than one person the minute you tell them they will stop chasing if they are a Deep Committer. The idea of sharing you is something all guys—especially Deep Committers—cannot fathom. They are under the assumption that all girls want is a committed relationship. This is a stereotype. Some girls, like some guys, really aren't ready to settle down yet.
Signs he may be a Deep Committer:
He will talk about his home life and ask about yours.
He asks about your schedule; your day-to-day activities.
He wants to know your feelings about commitment.
He tells you what his day-to-day activities are and shares his full schedule with you.
He puts it out there that he wants marriage someday or children.
He will give you his number than act like it's no big deal when you don't use it.
He never promises you something he can't deliver.
He shares his feelings with you and any problems he has with you.
Ways of dealing with Deep Committers:
If you want to be deeply committed, no problem. Choose one and enjoy your deep connection.
If you don't want to be deeply committed tell them so. If they don't “get it”, block them.
The Hook-Up Artists:
These guys want to find and be intimate with as many girls as possible in one lifetime. They don't think anything of hooking up for a one-night stand and, in fact, are masters at it. They are not shy in telling you all about their skills and manhood and will throw their number at you right away so that when you text them they can show you that manhood. They will not want to know much more about you than your sign, your physical attributes, and your availability. If you are into non-committed, risque romps with one guy after another these are the guys that won't disappoint. They won't call you unless they are in the mood. They are too busy too stalk you and will actually be MIA unless they need you right now.
Signs he may be a Hook-Up Artist:
He only talks about hooking up.
He only talks about what he can do for you and what you can do for him in the physical sense.
He avoids talking about feelings, emotion, or past relationships.
He tells you he only wants to hook-up.
He tries to get you to call him right away or get your number right away.
He will ask for a variety of pics and no, 50 will not be enough.
Ways of dealing with Hook-Up Artists:
If you want to get a hook-up and not worry about a deep relationship just find a new guy a night and be safe while enjoying all the attention from your stable of guys.
If you don't want a one-night stand tell them so. If they don't “get it”, block them.
The Virtual Lovers:
These guys have serious committal problems. They have such serious committal problems they will never, ever leave their virtual word to meet you. They will tell you the most intimate things about themselves that you may even cringe. This will actually have you thinking they are Deep Committers but these guys will stress to you that they want friendship first, unlike a Deep Committer who will straight up tell you they want a serious relationship right away. Virtual lovers are flirty and will have you trying to hold on to the connection in order to find out their true intentions; this in the hope that they will meet you and show you a great time as was promised, with or without a commitment. These are the guys you actually will give your number to because they seem so normal and aren't pressuring you to commit right away. They just seem to want to be friends who flirt. Perfect right? Except that you will never get to physically meet them. They only want a virtual girlfriend and will prove this the minute they back out of a meet with you and then never, ever meet you. Some of these guys will convince you to let them keep contacting you, maybe even promising that you will meet someday. They will not keep this promise as long as you treat them like a boyfriend in their virtual form. The minute you refuse to speak to them until a meet they will disappear. Along with their profile and maybe even their number. This so they can continue their quest to find someone who will only love them from afar.
*special note--Be aware some Virtual Lovers may not be what they appear to be. They may be Catfishing. There are multiple reasons why someone would do this but most of the reason stems from being hurt to having low esteem to being a person of the same gender as you. None of these are reasons to discount a Virtual Lover, still it needs mentioning because it could be the reason they won't meet you and any of those things can be addressed over time and maybe even conquered so you can meet. This may mean, however, that the person you finally do meet is nothing like the physical person you thought you were dealing with and could cause some heartache. Just something to be aware of.
Signs he may be a Virtual Lover:
He will hold off calling you if he has your number or not give you his number.
He will ask to see private photos of you.
He will tell you that he is in another country or state or too busy working to meet you.
He will try to get you to web-cam with him, should he be the person in his photos.
He will blow off meeting you for a planned date at the last minute.
He will disappear when things get too intense or when you start talking about meeting.
Ways of dealing with Virtual Lovers:
If you want to have an online/phone only lover and never meet in person but only share fantasy dates with someone then express that to your new partner or grab a few new partners and enjoy virtual-only dating.
If you don't want to be stuck with a virtual boyfriend and need a physical relationship tell them so. If they don't “get it”, block them.
Really? This is your theory? Where is your proof?
Now I'm sure a lot of you are wondering “Who is this girl to tell me all this without proof?” Ok...you got me! I have no proof because if I showed you all the proof I have in the guys I've tried to meet for dating from online sources I would be breaching their trust. I would never stoop that low to provide information on guys I've dated just to show my readers proof that things happened. But I will say that out of the many guys I met online the ones that proved the most frustrating were the Virtual Lovers, because these were guys I could easily be true friends with, had they given me a chance.
These are some experiences I have encountered while online dating:
Guys that gave me their numbers without me asking for it then got mad at me for not calling.
Guys that I finally trusted enough to give my number to, only to get dirty pics or dirty calls from them.
Guys that didn't call me when I handed out my number or text me (I will assume because they didn't want me to have their number.).
Guys that told me they were younger/older than their profile age.
Guys that wanted me to meet them in a hotel to have some “fun”.
Guys that wanted me to meet them at their car and have some “fun” in there.
Guys that promised to meet me that never did for one reason or another.
Guys that got mad at me for going on a date with someone other than them when my profile clearly states my intentions to date more than one guy at the same time. My bad for telling them.
Guys that have said to me that they needed a mother figure to be with.
Guys that clearly have not read my profile even after I asked them to read it.
Guys that don't have a profile and who won't answer questions but will ask me for my life story when it's already in my profile.
Guys that are married or have a serious girlfriend who don't understand that I'm looking for a single guy, not someone who is committed to another, when it is clearly stated on my profile what I'm searching for.
Guys that took down their profiles a day after messaging me. In fact, more than half of the guys that have message me have deleted their accounts over the time I've been trying to online date.
One guy that browsed the profiles, saw me online, recognized me in real life from my job. He decided to set up an account and visit my profile. He then approached me on the site. He didn't show me his picture. He also didn't approach me at my job. Instead he asked me to text him and actually gave me a number to do so. He did this twice. He found me on another dating site where he proceeded to peek in on that profile too though he denied he was following me around.
These are some of the things that a woman experiences when online dating. It makes one wonder why we don't all give up but there is something to be said about a woman's tolerance level for certain behavior. All I know is that each encounter has taught me more about what I really do want from a relationship and I'm not afraid to ask for certain conditions to be met by the person I plan to meet. No one should be afraid to expect respect and patience from someone you may end up knowing the rest of your life in one way or another.
Things you shouldn't do when online dating:
Give out vital information such as telephone, email address, mailing address, or full name. You don't know what they're going to do with this information and they may actually be a stalker, or worse, a serial killer (yeah guys I feel your anger already in those letters!).
Send money to someone you just met. There are many scams that involve online dating. One of which is to befriend you and then give you a heartfelt story as to why they need your funds. Another is to appeal to your gift-getting side where they will tell you that a gift is waiting for you but held up in customs.
Send pictures by way of text or email to anyone. You don't know what they're doing with them. Even innocent pics can be used to Catfish another person. Refer them to your profile pics. Those should be enough to satisfy as long as they are recent and show who you really are.
Meet in a private place. You should always meet in a public space and make sure your best friend or a family member knows where you're going, how long you might be, and what you know (profile, pics, and all known information-like what site you met on) about this person. Also arrange a set time to check in with your bestie or family member so they know everything is fine and always let them know when your safely back at home so they don't worry.
Things you should always do when online dating:
Be honest and upfront about what you're looking for. Don't be afraid to be specific. If you don't ask for what you really want now you may never have what you're really looking for later either.
Be kind to guys even if you aren't into them. It's the “do unto others” rule that you should be following anyway.
Put up as many pics as a site will allow and make sure some of them are of you at your worst, because let's face it, eventually they will see you that way if you do meet together and manage to go on more than a meet. Besides this will weed out the guys that are only looking for looks. Unless this is your thing too!
Try to keep your profile updated in order to get attention everyday. You never know when the someone you may be looking for will join the site. If you update everyday you have a better chance he will see your profile.
Believe guys when they tell you what they are looking for. If they say FWB that is all they want. If they say deeply committed relationship that is what they want. Some guys only want a pen-pal/phone buddy for the midnight-hour, sleepy time. If a guy tells you what he is looking for do not expect this to change. It will not change. When it comes to relationships you would think that a guy is only going to tell you what you want to hear to have a good time. This isn't true of online dating. Believe me when they say they want a commitment they do. When they say they only want some “fun” they do. When they say they are looking for a friend, they are, but they are simply not telling you that it is only virtual.
What sites to use for online dating:
Completely Free sites:
OkCupid: okcupid.com—This site is totally free to communicate with others. It has over 2500 questions to help aid you in finding the perfect match. It allows you to add up to 10 pictures either from your desktop or your mobile. It has a mobile app that tells you if you got a message while off-site. It makes suggestions on who your possible matches are based on algorithms of the types of people you reply to most often. If you pay for services you do get much more out of the site.
Plenty Of Fish: pof.com—This site is totally free to communicate with others. It has a compatibility quiz to help aid you in finding the perfect match. It allows you to add up to 8 pictures either from your desktop or your mobile. It has a mobile app that tells you if you got a message while off-site or if someone said they want to meet you. It makes suggestions on who your possible matches are based on a “Chemistry Test” that you can take at any time. If you pay for services you get slightly more out the site.
Connecting Singles: connectingsingles.com—This site is totally free to communicate with others. It has a compatibility quiz, a personality quiz, a know-me quiz, and a test to help aid you in finding the perfect match, still I'm not sure how it creates a match for you. It allows you to add up to 8 pictures. Members can favorite other members and rate eachother's photos. It has a mobile app. The site is actually full of fun activities, games, and forums to chat in so even if you don't find a perfect match you can have some fun on there. I'm not sure what extras you get for being a paying member.
Mingle2: mingle2.com—This site is totally free to communicate with others. It has some kind of matching system but I'm not sure how it works. It allows you to add up to 8 pictures. Members are from all over the world. I didn't see anything that talked about a mobile app but if you use your phone to connect to it the graphics of the site actually look more pleasing. Paid membership basically gives you an opportunity to climb to the top of any given list on the site and a VIP status.
Pay-for dating sites that are worth checking into:
Zoosk: zoosk.com—This site seems like it would be worth the money. You get a lot of locals that use it. You get points you can use to gift someone a sticky for their shelf just by judging others profiles and the site is very easy on the eyes and easy to navigate. It has a mobile app. Zoosk will suggest matches for you and they seem to fall in line with what you would be looking for but the lack of any way to let someone know you really do want to meet them makes one feel guilty for being on the site without paying. After all they are paying in the hopes of meeting you because you put yourself out there but without being a paying member it feels a bit like being used as bait.
Match.com: match.com—This site also looks to be worth the money. There are locals galore on this site and you get all kinds of juicy profile info to help you figure out what guy is right for you. Match.com will suggest matches based on words in your profile and whether or not a person has the requirements you're looking for. If you are a paying member you can add up to 26 photos. It has a mobile app. Like with other dating sites that you pay for there is no way to let anyone know you're a real person without being a paid member yourself.
Eharmony: eharmony.com—This site I'm still getting to know so I can't say it would be worth the money or not. There seem to be guys here but you can't view your prospective matches without becoming a paying member. The site set up is actually kinda cute and girlish so I'm not sure it's a favorite of guys. Matches are suggested for you and made by using a word association bar that lets the system know how strongly or not so strongly you feel about those words or questions. The only thing I wasn't happy with was the sheer privacy hacking the site seemed to do. It wanted to know too much and it would not let you just say on some things “I prefer not to answer”. This should be a choice no matter what site you're on. This site is huge on pictures. Huge! But because I was just testing the waters and unsure of whether or not it was worth it I only added one. It does seem to have a box for answering more matching questions and there is plenty of room to add thoughts, hobbies, and interests. There is a mobile app and even without having gotten it I am sure that if you become a paying member you will get more out of the site than without.
So there you are. I've shared with you all my theory of guys who used dating sites and some reviews on dating sites I've tried. I'm sure some guys will say there is a middle ground on my theory that I missed but I have yet to see it in a year of dating. In fact, in that time I've had one boyfriend who at least lasted past the 6 month mark and 3 other meets which turned out bad. Out of 7 possible recent meets 4 bowed out with only one telling me why. Everyone of those guys was able to be put easily into a category and I've learned to listen, really listen, to what guys are saying. At the very least, the experience of online dating has helped me to discern the type of man I'm really looking for. At least now I know that when I'm ready to find my one-and-only I should have no trouble recognizing him in the Deep Committer section of any given dating site. I hope this article of my theory helps you find what you're looking for in a relationship too.