The Three Worst Girlfriends I Ever Had
The road to relationship bliss can be paved with many things good or bad. There can be several speed bumps and/or pot-holes on this road. The kind that damage your car while driving in the middle of nowhere and you have to have it towed to some hick shop where they rip you off and tell you they have to order the part and you have to stay in some seedy motel that has hourly rates, and at night you hear noises in fifteen minute intervals that sound like dogs giving birth and raw meat slapping together coming from the next room, and the lock is broken so you move the dresser against the door while you lay on top of the blankets, eyes wide open for 8 hours, and there is no cell service and the people who live there hate “newfangled” ideas like indoor plumbing, and are disdainful of “hoity toity” stuff like brushing your teeth, and, and...well, you get what I’m saying. Right? Whew, got a little off track there. In any case, after a harrowing experience like that you are only happy to be back on that single life road and feeling good because you know the worst is behind you and things can only get better. I thought that once and could not be more wrong. I never knew so many Amityville Horror/Texas Chainsaw Massacre type places existed along the relationship road! Here are three girls I was with at various times in my life which I would consider to be one of these delightful stops along the road. The three worst girlfriends I ever had.
Blond, blue eyed, tall and skinny, Annika was very close to looking like a barbie doll. She was a model and loved to show me endless modeling albums of herself. At first I would peruse these albums with interest making comments on the beauty and artistry of the photos. She was recently out of a relationship in which they were engaged. She did not like to talk about that too much so I never questioned her about it.
I did think it was quite strange that she had her favorite modeling shot blown up poster size and framed on her wall. In it she was stretched out on white satin looking sheets, lilies all over, with one of the sheets caressing her body and leaving ‘titillating views of exposed flesh. I thought she was just really into her form of art.
I remember she was really into that old show “I Love Lucy.” She would watch it all the time and laugh so hard. I would think that she was somehow deep to be into an old show like that instead of Big Brother or one of the other reality shows popular at the time. She would sit and talk about all kinds of things such as current events and she would have an opinion on everything. Sometimes I couldn’t even get a word in edgewise.
We would go out to these hole in the wall bars and drink and sing karaoke. One time I remember we did “Summer Lovin” from that Grease soundtrack but we changed the lyrics to be all funny. We got a standing ovation.
Whenever we went out with friends she was the center of attention. Other guys would flirt with her and she would flirt back. Once I came back from the bathroom to find this guy and his friend trying to convince her to go home with them. She was laughing and being playful with them. She would act coy and say something flirtatious and then give a sidelong glance at me, as if she was judging my reactions. I think she was trying to make me mad enough to say something to the guys but I didn’t really feel angry toward them, they were just drunk guys and a pretty girl was flirting with them, I couldn’t blame them. Then Annika said she would go but she was with me. The quieter guy decided to speak up and said she should “ditch the zero and get with a hero.” I was dealing with the cream of the crop here, a real poet. That’s when I cut in and told them to get lost because they were starting to bug me. From there it went down hill into blustery threats and drunken posturing. They ended up walking back over to the pool tables, casting looks and laughing.
Later I was over on the quieter side of the bar on my phone telling my friend which bar we were at and when I came back over there she was at the pool tables and these guys were "teaching" her to play pool. She looked over and saw me and started to come back when the guy grabbed her arm and said something and then she turned back and started to walk over to me. I ignored her and I just went outside to smoke a cigarette. I just had to get out of there for a couple minutes. It was snowing and as I stood there flicking my lighter I heard a crunching noise in the snow. I turned just in time to see a fist hitting me in the face. My face whipped around and the cigarette flew from my mouth. I came back around with my left and caught him in the nose and that’s when I realized that both of the guys were there. The first guy slipped on some ice after I hit him and as he started to fall backward he turned to fall on his hands and slammed his face on a decorative rock on the side of the walk way. He rolled over making a weird high moaning sound like some whales do underwater. I turned to defend myself from the other guy but he said “Wait, wait, It’s cool bro, I don’t have a problem. I didn’t do sh*t.” He then went to his friend and started helping him up. The injured guy got up almost instantly and seemed okay except he had blood pouring from his forehead. He said he was fine and wanted to go back in the bar. His friend said they should go. I walked off and waited for my friend on the street and he picked me up.
I ended up going back over to her house a couple days later when she convinced me over the phone. We just had an intense physical relationship and I couldn’t stay away. Another month or so went by and I had finally realized she just sucked. When she would have what she called “relevant conversations” she just repeated what she heard on talk radio and other sources and didn’t know a thing about what she was saying. Sometimes she would completely screw up what someone else said and sound totally ridiculous and not even realize it because she didn’t know what she was really talking about.
Her laughing at I Love Lucy became annoying and even obnoxious since she thought she had such a unique sense of humor for liking it. She was so self absorbed that she NEVER knew when I was upset or happy and didn’t really care. I didn’t even want to go out with her anymore because of her outrageous flirting. Then I found out the two things that really did it.
One, she was still with her “ex” boyfriend and they were still engaged. He paid her rent for her. I wondered why she would sometimes be busy for a couple days at a time.
Two, she had herpes and I had recently been having unprotected sex with her.
I flipped out and said I never wanted to see her again. She had the gall to coyly suggest that we should be together one last time. I didn’t talk to her again. I had to go get tested twice in the next six months and then once six months after that. It was painful and they have to stick a swab up your pee hole. Luckily I never caught anything. No thanks to Annika, one of the worst girlfriends I ever had.
Right out I will tell you what Tara did for a living. She was a stripper. I know, I know, I was just asking for it. Well , not all strippers are bad. There are plenty who are just doing it to pay for college or because they were out of options and would rather make some money than struggle working minimum wage. I have nothing against women making a choice to dance for money. I might respect a woman who makes the choice to strip because she enjoys it but I would not form an intimate relationship with her. Not again.
I met Tara at a friend’s party. She never told me what she did, we just talked about superficial things and she fed me shot after shot until I was good and drunk. Then she pulled out some cocaine. I did it with her and I loved it. I ended up in the center of the living room doing some weird interactive form of stand up. I was going off about everything. Everyone was laughing and people would sometimes jump up with me and we would play off each other. I had a blast and we ended up at her place.
I was only with Tara for a little over two months. It only took about 2 weeks for me to find out how totally f*cked she was. I stayed so much longer because I did have some strong feelings for her. When she wanted to, Tara could make you feel like you were the only guy in the world. Tara was tall, slightly over 5‘10“. She had very light brown hair that had some darker streaks through it. Her eyes were green. She had a voluptuous type body. She had some really strong legs (probably all that time on the pole). One time she gave me a little private dance at her apartment. I was totally entranced by the way she moved and the things she did while dancing. Another time she threw a bar from a weight set at my head, barely missing me.
She punched me in the face twice while I was driving her home one night (causing a near miss with a parked car) because I was upset with her for showing up at my house completely smashed at almost 3AM after getting dropped off by some guy she met at a bar. I had to get up at 5AM for my job. Yeah, she was drunk almost all the time and carried a flask with her. The end of the night would often find her passed out in some weird position, or puking. I had to carry her to bed on more than one occasion. I thought I drank a lot.
There was this weird thing she did during sex. As she would approach climax she would begin saying “daddy” over and over really low. As she got closer it would start coming out as a scream. I really never knew if she actually knew she was doing it or not. I have no idea what that was about. One time I got off work early and drove out to her house with a dozen roses. When I knocked on the door no one answered. Her car was there. Sometimes she would be sleeping in the middle of the day so I came in to surprise her. I went into her room but she wasn’t in bed. She was in the shower. I opened the bathroom and there was a guy sitting on the toilet masturbating. Tara was in the shower sitting on the little shower seat with this other stripper (stage name Poison) standing over her while Tara pleasured her. The guy was Poison’s boyfriend. He said “Oh sh*t,” and jumped up pulling his pants up. Tara looked over angrily and said “what the f*ck are you doing here.” I just dropped the flowers and walked out. I got in my car and did a 180 in the gravel, peeling out the whole time and sped off while Tara was in her doorway with a towel screaming something.
I don’t remember exactly how but I ended up forgiving her several days later. Tara would always put me down in front of other people. She was also a total coke head. She would be in a terrible mood one moment, go in the bathroom and come out all smiles. She was always putting a little bit in her pinky nail and quickly snorting it. She was so good at it you hardly noticed when she did it. One time we drove down to Chico to visit my sister and Tara walked out of the bathroom naked to go in the guest room. It wouldn’t have been so bad except my sister had several of her friends over and everybody saw her. She did that kind of thing on purpose. My sister hated her.
Tara did her little pinky nail thing right in front of her and her best friend when we were out eating. My sister and her friend both looked over at me and my sister just gave me a long look. I knew my sister’s looks and that one said “get rid of her...now.” Tara was always trying to get me to do coke with her. She found out that if I got drunk enough she could get me to do it. One time I got drunk enough for her to convince me to do some. We were at a party and later her and I were in a room making out. She told me to wait a minute and went out. She came back with a guy from the party and laid down with him next to me and started kissing him. She told him to take my clothes off and I felt his hands on me. I was so drunk and coked up that the next thing I knew I was punching the poor guy in the face and picked him up and threw him into an easy chair. The foot part of the chair flew up bringing his feet with it, making him kick me in the face. I jumped in the air and kicked him in the head. Tara was screaming and people came in the room and grabbed me. Two guys pulled me out and I was surrounded in the living room by male strippers. They were yelling and pushing me. I ended up getting kicked out and I walked about two miles home because I had taken a cab that night to the bars where we had started the night.
After one fight we didn’t talk for two days. On the second night I decided to go to her place and make up with her. She had tried to call me earlier that day but I was busy. I went to her pad and knocked on the door. No answer. I heard noises from inside. The front door was locked. I thought, if she’s at it again it’s over this time. I went around to see if the side door was locked. There was Tara sneaking around the back of her house looking up at the windows as she passed. She was all dressed up and obviously had somewhere to go. I said “what are you doing?” She jumped about a foot off of the ground and then she became very angry. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.” We argued briefly and then I just left. She called me the next day and I told her it was over. She flipped out on me and told me “whatever, your ass better be over here tonight.” I told her I would not and she said I would or I would regret it. I didn't go over.
I began renting a room at this house with five other guys. Tara showed up at one of our parties and I started flirting with my roommates in front of me. I didn’t care at this point. She had sex with one of them. I didn’t care. At least from all outward appearances I didn’t care. Inside I was jealous but I didn’t show it. A few days after the party incident, one of Tara’s friends named Sarah called me to help her move some of her stuff into a dorm room at the college. I helped her and afterward we sat drinking a beer. She came over and kissed me and asked if I would come watch her dance the next night. I told her I would. When I showed up there Tara told the owner and the bouncer’s she didn’t want me there. Sarah said she did want me there. Tara broke down crying and said she couldn’t dance if I was there and she was scared of me. The bouncer’s threw me out bodily and Tara recovered from her tears enough to flash me a quick evil smile from behind the bouncers. Sarah had a beer in one hand held up like an olympic torch and her finger in Tara’s face and they were both screaming when the door was closed. I got up and walked to my car, drove off and I never saw or heard from Tara again, one of the worst girlfriends I ever had.
Laney barely made it into the top three worst because there were no other girlfriends half as bad as the two above. This all happened long before the two above. It was the first time I felt screwed over by a girl and it really broke my heart.
She had honey blond hair and beautiful deep brown eyes. I was on the split op program for the army and went to AIT after my senior year in high school. We left each other at the airport with our eyes full of tears and our mouths full of promises. She was a virgin at the time, still a few months shy of eighteen. She had promised herself to me and I was happy to wait. I loved her and I would imagine what it would be like to marry her.
I remember us doing cheesy things like laying in a field at night, looking up at the sky making our own constellations and naming them. We would talk about our deepest darkest fears, and our fondest wishes. She would draw a lot and one time she made me stand against a willow tree for over an hour while she drew. It was a cool picture in which you could only see half of my face through the hanging willow branches. When she would turn her face up to me for a kiss she would close her eyes to slits and purse her lips. That would drive me crazy and she knew it.
I didn’t want to leave her for so long but I had to go. She wrote me faithfully while I was away, and I missed her so bad it was physically painful. I thought about her all the time. When I returned I couldn’t wait to see her. When my friend picked me up from the airport, Laney’s friend was with him. Her friend told me she had cheated on me with my friend. She had made out with him which was the worst thing in the world to me at the time. My friend couldn’t stop apologizing and confronted her with me. We argued and I told her I didn’t want to talk about it with her at that time and would see her tomorrow.
My friend was throwing me a party. Laney lived across the street and a few houses down from my friends house where we had the party. The next day we were in the front yard and saw Laney in the doorway of this guy’s house a few houses down from hers who was in his early twenties. The guy came out and they talked briefly and then she began walking away. She looked up and saw me and when our eyes met I saw hers racked with guilt. She walked right by without saying a word or looking at me again. My friend ran over to the guy who was in his still standing shirtless in his doorway. When he came back he said “Yep, Laney screwed him.” It was as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I just looked over to Laney’s back as she walked away, her hair fluttering in the wind as her head hung down. I just couldn’t even grasp what had happened. I started crying and my friend just looked at me as if I was an alien. It took a long time to get over that, I really don’t know if I did or if the pain and memory of that betrayal just stayed with me, always lurking below the emotional surface, coming up for air once in a while to let me know it’s still around. I know that after that I had a few issues for a while. I didn’t even want to think about love after that. I don’t know, maybe she was the worst girlfriend.