The Top 10 Passion Killers for Men
Following on from my hub The Top 10 Passion Killers for Women I felt it only right to redress the balance by writing a hub on The Top 10 Passion Killers for Men. After consulting my Husband and some male friends they shared with me their opinions on what would constitute a passion killer for them. All I had to do was put these into the scenarios you are about to read. I hope you enjoy this humorous slant on the potential perils to look out for in new relationships.
Number 1, Big Knickers
Picture the scene, you have at last progressed to the stage in your relationship where you are going to have your first romantic encounter in the bedroom. The girl of your dreams has finally agreed that she will allow you to become more intimately involved. Your pulse quickens as she starts to undress, she seductively looks into your eyes as she undoes her blouse and reveals the sexy bra underneath. You can hardly contain yourself as she unzips her skirt and allows it to drop to her ankles. You allow your gaze to slowly travel up her legs until......... horror of horrors... you are confronted by an enormous granny sized pair of knickers. Suddenly your ardour is completely dampened, and not in the way you or nature intended. Making hastily mumbled excuses about having had too much to drink being the cause of your inability to perform you beat a rapid retreat back to your own flat and make a definite mental note to cross her name out of your little black book.
Number 2, Hairy Armpits
The gorgeous girl you have admired from afar has finally accepted your invitation to go on a date. You have planned a romantic picnic for the two of you in a nearby park. The weather is hot and sunny so you are not surprised when she turns up in in a summery strapless dress. The picnic goes ever so well and you are really feeling confident that this might just be the girl for you. The food finished all that remains is the picnic blanket and an opportunity for you and her to lay down together and bask in the sunshine. "I am so sleepy after all that food" she coos, and then pouting sexily she stretches her arms above her head to reveal........ what can only be described as a virtual forest of hair that is almost capable of being plaited. Due to the heat this stretching has also released a rather musky sweaty odour from the armpit region, probably caused by the antiperspirant having zero chance of making contact with her skin unless it came equipped with its own lawnmower and a miners lamp. Fighting back the nausea, you pretend to have forgotten a very important appointment and quickly pack up all the picnic items, propel the girl back to your car and deliver her back to her home, breathing a huge sigh of relief that you never actually told her where you lived or gave her your phone number.
To vote on your opinion of armpit hair on women please visit my hub on the subject called 'Armpit hair on women. Do you love it or hate it?'
Number 3, 'Picking' at Food
Most girls love to be taken out for an expensive meal with their potential new boyfriend, but from your point of view nothing is more irritating than watching your date pick at her food, nibble on lettuce leaves and generally spend more time counting calories than actually enjoying the food itself. This meal has already required you to push your credit card up to its limit, so watching course after course being pushed around the plate by your date, until eventually the waiters take the slightly mauled food back to the kitchens in order to dump it is infuriating. It isn't as if she has any reason to even worry about her weight, but even if she had, surely as a courtesy she could have made the effort to enjoy this one meal and return to the diet tomorrow. As it is you have already decided that if you do see her again you are going to McDonald's instead. In any case, like most men you prefer a woman to be ten pounds overweight rather than ten pounds underweight!
Number 4, Going to the Toilet in Front of the Man
We all know that the realities of living with someone are usually somewhat disappointing compared to the mental picture we envisaged, but I doubt many expected to ever be witness to the following scenario:
Blissfully contented now you and your dream woman have finally moved in together you decide to run a hot bubble bath for the two of you to share on your first night in your new love nest. You enhance the mood by scattering scented rose petals on top of the bubbles, climb into the water and then call your true love to join you. She duly arrives in the bathroom and proceeds to undress, then, horror of horrors she says "I'll just quickly go to the loo before I join you". 'Okay' you think, 'well it's no big deal if she wants to have a pee in front of me, after all she has seen me have a pee loads of times'. Only problem is that as she sits down on the toilet in the corner of the bathroom it immediately becomes clear that it isn't a 'pee' she is having. Accompanied by a few squelchy noises and followed by a very audible noxious smelling fart, is a very large series of 'plopping' sounds. This was not at all what you signed up for, and then, to add insult to injury, after she gets up and wipes she casually strolls over to the bath and gets in. Now not only have you witnessed an event you never wanted to, but you are sharing bathwater that is no doubt also cleaning her rear end. A fast exit is called for and you leap out the bath claiming to have a nasty cramp in your leg, whilst faking hopping off to the bedroom. Now you are left wondering how on earth you can ever look at her in the same way again, let alone start a family together.
Number 5, Intimate Body Odour
The woman you have fantasised about for months has at long last allowed you to seduce her, or at least that is how you hope the evening will pan out. All is going well, both of you have successfully made it to your bedroom and have undressed each other. Now is your chance to show her that you are an expert in ways to give a woman maximum pleasure. You start by kissing her neck, and then slowly slowly work your way down her body until you are tantalising her with your tongue just above her bikini line. This is when the first warning signs appear in form of a waft of odour that smells vaguely like a combination of rotting fish and stale urine. Trying to back out now would take some explaining, especially as she is pushing your head lower with her hands. Trying to hold your breath you venture further down and persevere. The trouble is that you can't hold your breath forever, and by the time you have held it as long as you can you are forced to take a huge lungful of air. The smell is now so overpowering and putrid that you are unable to contain yourself and immediately vomit all over her lower regions. Needless to say she is not impressed and you are quickly given your marching orders.......... somehow you really don't mind being dumped on this occasion!
Number 6, Talking About Exes
You know that most women have exes, and of course they are going to occasionally get mentioned, but the last thing you wanted was to have a date with a girl who spent nearly the entire date talking about her series of ex-boyfriendsand their flaws or good points. Naturally you try to be polite and make the right noises like "What a bastard", "Wow, he could last that long!" and "He really earned that much?" at the appropriate pauses in her conversation. It takes about an hour before you finally reach breaking point and can't stand any more. She hasn't asked you anything about your likes, interests, hobbies etc and you can't help being far from surprised that she does have so many exes. Due to the fact that you haven't been able to get a word in edgeways you have already consumed several pints of beer too many and find your tongue loosening alarmingly. Snapping point is reached and you loudly announce that you are delighted to be 'Ex number twelve and wish number thirteen the very best of luck as he is going to need it'. Hiccuping loudly you exit the bar and hail a cab home, leaving her at a loss for words....... for once!
Number 7, Mother in Laws
The girl you married is a real babe apart from her Mother. The Mother in Law seldom seems to approve of anything about you. She complains to her daughter that you don't earn enough, you don't dress smartly, you aren't clever enough and you generally aren't good enough for her daughter. You dread Christmas as you always have to spend it with her parents and yours don't get a look in. She is constantly phoning your house to speak to her daughter for hours on end, dripping poison into her ears about what a bad choice she made when she married you. Every time you and your Wife have a row she calls her Mother and again the poison starts. You still love your Wife, but short of emigrating (which your Wife won't consider) you don't know how you can cope with her Mother's constant interfering. She even tries to tell you how you should be bringing up your own children, and this is especially frustrating when your Wife always seems to do as her Mother says. Why is it you feel like you married a whole family rather than just the woman you love? Possibly because you did exactly that, and be warned, if you want to know how your Wife will end up, look at her Mother!!!!
Number 8, The Bunny Boiler
A pretty girl you found quite attractive accepted a date with you. It was okay but you were not interested enough to carry things any further so you haven't called her to arrange a second date. Now things have got really creepy, she is sending you gifts at work, every time you go to lunch she is there, your phone is being inundated with text messages declaring how much she loves you and can't live without you. Your mates find it quite funny, but it is far from funny from your point of view. Every day she brings sandwiches to your work for your lunch, she is telling everyone she is your girlfriend and you are soon getting married. If you go to the local pub for a drink she is there and will join you regardless of who you are with, if she sees you chatting to any girls she gives them venomous looks all evening and a few times these girls have found their car tyres let down after they leave to go home. She has songs played for you on the local radio station and even when you tried moving flats to avoid her knowing your address, she mysteriously tracked you down and left a love note on your car windscreen. The final straw comes when you arrive home to find her cooking you a 'nice meal' in your kitchen. Apparently she 'found' your keys that you know went missing from your coat in the previous week whilst you were having an after work pint. You unceremoniously escort her out of your flat, call a locksmith to get the locks changed and then head to your lawyer's office to take out a restraining orderagainst her. Now you are wondering why you haven't seen your cat all day................
Number 9, She Hates Your Mates
She seemed the perfect package, attractive, intelligent, kind etc. Things moved fast and within weeks you had moved in together, but this is when the problems began, she hated your mates. You were used to having a couple of nights out each week with the lads and maybe they would come around to yours once in a while for a poker game or simply to watch the football on the telly. Your mates are a typical group of blokes who like to have a few too many beers and tell some dirty jokes, but she is easily shocked and finds fault with their behaviour, making it very clear she doesn't like you hanging around with 'these sorts of people'. In her opinion it is because of them you drink a bit too much on a lads night out and seem to find the most lewd jokes hilarious. She has insisted they don't come to the flat any more and feels that you should stay at home with her rather than hanging out with them. As she hates football and doesn't approve of poker this leaves you angry and frustrated. You miss your mates and can't see why you should be stopped from seeing them. Inside you resentment is building up and you realise you both moved in together far too soon and should have waited until she had spent some time with you and your mates socially before taking the next step. Within a couple of months you are at the limit of your tolerance levels and tell her it is time to part company. You move out the following day making a note to look for a girl who likes your mates, poker, football and dirty jokes next time around.
Number 10, Always Chewing Gum
You met a girl on the Internet who you have loads in common with, same tastes in music, food, jokes etc. After many months of online flirting you are finally ready to take a risk and meet her in the flesh for the first time. Her photos are flattering and she is a real stunner with everything going for her. You couldn't believe your luck when she showed an interest in you back. Excited you arrange to meet her in a restaurant for a meal. You arrive before her and wait nervously praying she won't stand you up. Five minutes later she walks through the doors looking exactly the same as her photos, 'Wow' you think, 'I am one lucky bloke'. You rise to greet her, hold out her chair for her to sit down and then return to your own seat ready to make conversation. It is about now you notice her jaw churning, clearly she is chewing gum. Now this in itself is not a crime, albeit you don't find it particularly attractive, but as the date goes on you find yourself increasingly distracted by the fact she is constantly chewing gum, and as each course of the meal arrives she carefully extracts the chewed gum from her mouth, sticks it back inside the chewing gum wrapper only to retrieve it for further chewing in between courses. You find your mind wandering back to your childhood days when you lived in the countryside and would watch cows chewing the cud in exactly the same way. Fighting back an urge to call her 'Daisy' and pat her on the nose, you walk her back to her car at the end of the date. She leans forward for a kiss having apparently tucked her gum inside a cheek somewhere, your involuntary reaction is to recoil in horror, and having made excuses about having eaten garlic and being concerned about bad breath, you say goodnight and head for home. Top priority, to delete her from your contacts and Facebook friends list.