The Top 12 Cool Things About Manly Men
In this day and age where political correctness intrudes more and more into everyday life women are constantly being told what kind of man to look for and what kind to avoid. Whether the advice comes from internet forums, magazine articles, TV relationship therapists or newspaper advice columnists the "experts" are out there, promoting their vision of the ideal man. After years of this we pretty well recognize this idealized archetype:potential mate: he's sensitive. He eats healthy. He exercises religiously. He doesn't smoke. He is green conscious. He goes to the doctor regularly and takes any prescription his caring physician recommends. Upon marrying he can be counted on to have already developed a deep and abiding interest in contemporary women's issues. He knows that no self-respecting woman will agree to handcuffs or any form of kink and that "Yes, god please, make me feel like a woman!" is fantasy term that could only be found in dime-store novels written by psychologically disturbed skanks. Yes, he's the kind of mate that believes in absolute equal rights between the sexes and when in bed never asks for any kind of non-missionary style sex he can't perform for himself. He is emotionally supportive, always prefers a good fiber-loaded salad over a steak, has an endless reserve of parental patience, happily stays at home while you spend a night out with the girls and refuses to go out with his own friends unless the whole lot of them are chaperoned with the children. Lastly, when you do have time away from your busy schedule and have a free night to take the little guy out it is to a place that he will -despite every natural virile inclination that urges him to stand there and stare at you like you're nuts- line dance. Not only will he line dance, but he will line dance and smile just like he did the last time you mutually agreed he could have a beer.
Dear gods in Valhalla, and people wonder why the divorce rate is so high and today's kids are so out of control. Geesh.
I think the problem with the "equal rights" true-believers is they have thoroughly confused -or purposely muddled- bad, obnoxious men with manly men. Their answer is to this is recreating men into female-dependent, irresponsible wusses. But even this aside, there is a huge difference between a man with a superiority complex and a manly man. The former has had no compunction over the ages to abuse women, whether it's by regulating them to existences where they are regarded either as 1. nothing more than manual laborers, 2. witless possessions whose only use is in procreation, or 3. both these things as well as tempting, evil inheritors of "original sin". Either way the female-unappreciative wusses who espouse these things couldn't appreciate a real woman if their life depended on it.
Manly men on the other hand are a whole different ballgame. These guys can't be dominated by trendy world views nor can they fairly be called abusers in any sense of the word. They are men; virile, masculine, unapologetic men. No, they don't believe in equal rights, they believe in complimentary roles. They open doors for women. They will go down with a sinking ship after putting the women and children on lifeboats. They will get up out of a sound night's sleep and go to Wal-Mart to get their wife tampons and chocolate. Sure, they'll grumble but they love her. They are the Kings of their castles, Law-givers of the children, Sentries of the home and hearth, Lords of the grill, and Masters of women's hearts. And they would lay down their life for the women who give them the ok to assume these roles.
Thus, Feminists absolutely hate these guys.
But whatever, I couldn't care less what Feminists think. Manly men are cool and I like them. I like them so much I married one and have no regrets whatsoever.
And just in case you're still wondering what's so cool about a manly man? Here's the Top Twelve reasons:
#12 They can sleep anywhere; wake up ready to report to sentry duty
Other men may need a pillow, a comfy recliner or at least a sofa, the lights off or turned down, the whole place peaceful, quiet, welcoming to relaxation. But not Manly Men. As long as they have eyelids to shut they're good to go.These guys can sleep anywhere and in any position -a waiting room chair, in a tent put up over a pile of rocks, a mother-in-law's hard-ass sofa with those uncomfortable hard plastic cover that make that creepy starch sound when you breathe too heavy.
By the same token Manly Men awake easily and don't need to do morning stretches in order to reach full mental alertness. They are especially provoked to this state by the sound of impending, or possibly impending danger, to their loved ones. They're probably the only animal on the planet who, while amidst a sound sleep, can hear their mate groan from the other side of the house -wake up, lumber through a dark house, stumbling over children's toys, the dog and cat, butt their leg hard enough into the coffee table to dent a shin, walk into two half-closed doors and still manage to locate her there, huddled in the rocking chair feeding the youngest infant in the abode.
"What's wrong? Are you hurt?" the Manly Man animal will ask.
To which his mate replies with a tired grin, "Found out your son has his first tooth!"
"Ah, that's my boy." the Manly Man says proudly. He smiles down at the infant, who is now half-asleep, the one new tooth pierced into his Mom's flesh. Manly Man's face grows serious. "And don't think I won't be taking those things back now. They were only on loan."
Satisfied his mate is safe Manly Man kisses his mate on the head, turns and lumbers toward the other side of the room. He stumbles over the diaper bag, the diaper genie and two more cats until he finds the sofa. He falls down on it, asleep as fast as his back touches the cushions, the last cat squalling underneath him until the mate comes over to wrench it free.
#11 They don't let their pants sag
Yes, they have heard of those nifty devices called belts and buckles and know how to use them. When they turn and walk away, you can actually enjoy the glimpse of their butt through the fabric of their pants; so unlike those men who walk away with their skid marks blowing in the breeze. At the same time Manly Men know that if sagging just has to be done, women were made to do it. They are also happy to help their own woman choose a suitable pair of panties for making just such a fashion statement.
#10 They know they don't have to give up their other female friends just because the two of you are in love
And Mrs. Smith, Mrs. Paul and Betty Crocker are glad of it.
#9 Manly men and vintage cars
Face it, they just look hot sitting in a vintage old car.
Not to be outdone, ladies, we look hot sitting beside vintage old men.
#8 The Roadkill issue
Unlike most women and some men, when it comes to accidentally driving over some animal a Manly Man's philosophy is, "I killed it. I'll bury it."
And so they dig a hole, usually deep, and find a shovel if its handy. If not, a garbage bag or anything else that will suffice as a shroud will go over the unfortunate animal. They will then precede to move the said animal to the prepared place of burial. Yes, no matter what horrific state the crushed animal is in; no matter how many times Manly Man vomits on the way; no matter how many meals he'll have to pass up that day, he will bury it.
If his mate happens to be the slayer, however, he will still bury it. He will do this and after cleaning up, be there to console the mate, dry her tears and reassure her that she's not a murderer, that hey, it happens to everyone. And just as soon as she's smiling again he goes to his friends and describes in vivid detail how his woman put a notch on the ole Roadkill post.
#7 They're sexy in full-deck uniforms
Oh yeah..be it military, police, firefighter, security guard or pilot garb, a real woman turns to goo at seeing a man in full uniform. We can't help it, nature made us this way. He can smell like napalm in the morning or have every limb missing. He can be covered in cuts and scrapes, be covered in soot or be carrying handcuffs (actually that's even hotter!). It doesn't matter if the uniform is crisply clean or ruggedly dirty. It doesn't matter if it's draped in medals and sashes and comes with a cute cap and sword. His boots can be grimy, he can be sipping on a Kool-aid fruit juicer and talk like Elmer Fudd. We don't care; he's in full uniform! Even if he has a face like Elmer Fudd, Manly Man in full uniform can still just stand there and he looks fantastic. He also knows as long he's in that full uniform we're putty in his hands.
Unfortunately, the same just can't be said for females. For a hot look we have to make adjustments somewhere to the uniform. Not that Manly Men will complain over these adjustments.
#6 Manly Men and duct tape
No fix-it job has ever got the best of a Manly Man with duct tape.Whether it is sealing a water hose, sealing a window, adding protection to a box, cushioning a wire, covering over rips in furniture cushions, repairing a torn mattress, hiding holes in walls or even just giving a little added strength over those flimsy velcro diaper straps, duct tape is ole Mr. Reliable in the hands of Manly Man. And while other men might get wore out by the repetitive action of cutting the duct tape in precisely proportioned pieces some Manly Men can even rip it off with their bare teeth.
#5 They're low maintenance
Unlike others Manly Men are generally low-maintenance guys. To clean themselves thoroughly water and a bar of soap is all that is required, the less perfume and moisturizing ingredients in the soap all the better.When it comes to after-bath grooming a simple deodorant is sufficient. For shaving, they're happy getting by with the cheapest shaving instrument they can find, as long as it has proven efficiency and hasn't touched a woman's legs, underarms or other body part (while they may admire, be fond of, or even lust for the parts of our bodies where hair grows, for some strange and inexplicable reason they just don't want those hairs getting anywhere near their faces once it has left our bodies).
Manly Men are easy to feed. A piece of meat -preferably cooked in some manner- and a variety of potato -definitely cooked, fried, baked, scorched, boiled or just tossed over an open flame- is all that's needed to provide what they term, a well-balanced meal.
The medicine cabinet is the best place to learn how very low-maintenance Manly Men are. While other people might have shelves filled with any and every kind of medication known to man, there are only six pharmaceutical items absolutely necessary to maintain a well-stocked Manly Man cabinet: hydrogen peroxide, bandaids, aspirin, Pepto Bismol, antacid pills and a bottle of Jägermeister. The last item might make the newbie curious. Now while my husband swears its better than Nyquil for cold and flu, I've never known him to suffer from either of these. I suspect the truth is if the other five items fail to relieve an injury or malady then the last one will make him just forget he even has it.
#4 They're the best companions to watch a scary movie with
Your girlfriends may be perfect for a Romance movie, but when it comes to horror a Manly Man makes the best companion. You can cringe under his arm and he's happy; even if you suddenly jump into their lap they just grin and pat you on the back. In fact it makes them a little proud to know you put such trust in their fearless attitude. Yep, nothing a movie can throw out can daunt these guys -whether it is Jason, Freddy, space aliens, the devil. Even those scary-as-hell children from Japanese horror flicks don't put fear into their hearts.
Just don't expect them to be around during family movie night. They've been known to run screaming at hearing the soundtrack to Disney's Beauty and the Beast. But to be fair, don't most thinking adults?
#3 We just wish we could handle tension with their brand of angst
Nobody is perfect; nope ladies, not even us. Something sets everyone off; everybody has that one little switch that turns us from calm bunny into growling lion. But admit it, even as a Manly Man's anger can be sudden and alarmingly so, we women secretly envy the way they let out their angst.
Here's an example scenario: It's a beautiful first of summer day. I am in my bathing suit outside while I set out new pansies in the flower tiers. The children are nearby in the swimming pool. I can see them, but not worried as hubby's even closer to the pool, having just washed, dried and buffed the car. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it when the children start screaming from the pool. As he runs toward it he sees the little angels have a strangle hold on one another's throats. Dad reaches over and pulls the two apart, and with one in each arm, yanks them out of the water. Depositing them on their feet he begins to give them a warning about not fighting in the pool. I'm listening in, shouting out an occasional, "Your father's right!" When Dad's done he orders the kids into the house to dry up. He now glances my way when, across from me and over the fence, he spots weird guy from the next block. Now "weird guy" isn't his real name, but this dope's penchant for being a peeping tom has had him in and out of jail and court-ordered counseling for years. He's also been "saved" five times at five different churches, and last month had got ministerial license through the mail. His mom has been boasting all around town how her baby has cleaned up his act and is now going to start his own church in the former used tired store (it's condemned) his dad bought for him. Anyway, on this day weird guy -or Reverend Weird- is oogling my cleavage as I bend over watering the pansies.
Without a word Dad hauls the water hose over and gives the Reverend a special baptismal dousing. The hard stream pushes the good Rev backward. He falls in the neighbor's yard and begins to scream he's broken his leg and is already threatening to sue us. At that moment we see the toddler of the neighbor across the street wandering into the street. Seeing a van barreling down the street I scream and start to run toward him. Before I get there my husband's already grabbed up the kid and returns with him to our yard. A second later the van races by, rap music blaring hard enough to make the neighborhood dogs howl. As I take the child by the hand we hear the Reverend making strange sounds from the other side of the fence. With a groan Dad ventures around the fence and finds...gods, I don't know -nor do I want to know- ..but I hear my husband yell, someone get hit and then the Reverend screaming like a little girl.
I pick up the toddler, set to take him home when suddenly the lady who lives on the other side of us runs into the yard. She's out of breath and begs me to call the fire department because her stove's on fire (it's the third home fire she's had in six months). My husband hands me his cell phone, sprints into our house, brings out the fire extinguisher and then runs into neighbor's house. As I'm dialing 9-1-1 we see the Reverend running up the street. By his fine stride its obvious his leg isn't broken. But gosh darn, he is trying to pull his pants up from around his knees. The Reverend stumbles and lands on his chin just as the cops arrive. The Reverend gets up and starts to run again, but the cops manage to bring him down. They handcuff him and put him into the cruiser. Now they pull up in front of our house and get out. They ask me what "the freak" has been doing this time. As I tell what I know the firefighters arrive.
Hubby emerges from neighbor's house, flushed, singed and sweaty and reassures lady neighbor that her fire is out. After the cops finish their questions and the firefighters check out the kitchen our neighbor-from-across-the-street comes to retrieve her baby. She explains he escaped through the doggy door (the last time it was through the dryer vent).
As they leave our children run out of the house. They are hollering in a very excited way, "Daddy! Daddy!" I can tell by the nervous looks on their faces that whatever has excited them is not good news.
I hear the first note of tension in my husband's voice as he asks what they need.
"Puddy knocked your remote control off the mantle! The back broke and the batteries spilled out!"
My husband groans and finally takes the cigarette out of his mouth. It's burned down to the filter now. So he throws the filter onto the ground. As he steps on it, a little hard, he says -just a bit crossly- "Damn, I didn't even get one draw off that."
After a few choice words for Reverend Weird, absent-minded neighbors and "stupid" mantle-climbing cats he pats my butt and announces he's going to the store for a beer and asks if I want anything.
The question reminds me of something I'd meant to bring up with him earlier that day but forgot when Puddy had jumped on the breakfast table and proceeded to eat my husband's sandwich. So now, with my voice as composed as possible I answer, "Yes, please. A home pregnancy test."
He stops breathing, giving me a look I've not seen since before the arrival of our second child. A look somewhere between sad and agonized, with just a hint of raw terror. Many seconds later he sighs, kisses the kids, pats my bottom again -harder this time- and walks to the car. Upon getting into the seat he reaches for the cigarette pack in his shirt pocket. Pulling them out his face turns a fierce shade of red.
"The whole *&%$# pack is soaked?" He closes the door -really hard- and drives off. As he heads down the street I see him mumbling.
Twenty minutes later my Manly Man has returned, with a smile on his face and two grocery bags. He's brought back not only the beer and a pregnancy test but also a fresh pack of ciggies, balloons for the kids, a single cut rose for me and a universal remote control. And oh yeah, a bag of Puddy's most hated brand of cat food.
#2 Manly Men VS Bugs and yechy things
If it crawls, slithers, creeps or just buzzes while flying a Manly Man is always prepared to take it down in the effort to protect, defend or just silence the screaming of his loved ones. It's not that he doesn't have natural, instinctive sense of self-preservation. You very well might see him tip-toe around the kitchen after the incident with the monster mouse or start carrying a bowie knife to the bathroom after the battle with the centipede big enough to carry off the children. But he's a real man, and real men kill vermin and they kill venomous things. Besides, they like the hugs and songs of praise afterward. And if these gestures come with a beer or sex, heck he may even go looking for the giant demon spider rumored to live in the closet.
#1 They respect and are appreciative of women
He may fight occasionally with his Mom and they may not speak to each other for months. But don't let him hear any other man speak unkindly about her, because there will be trouble.
He may never get along with his Mother-in-Law, but heavens help the child that sneers at her pot roast or makes fun of the plastic covers she keeps on the furniture.
He may groan having to stand in line behind the woman with a loaded buggy in the 10 Items or Less aisle at the grocery store. He may grunt and grumble over the idiot with the cell phone glued to her ear in the movie theater. He may even curse the moronic woman who made the right turn on left and caused the accident that made him late for work. But he forgets these things as almost as quickly as they happened and goes on about his day.
He may argue with his wife and while doing so his voice can grow loud and thunderous enough to make the dishes clatter on the shelves. He may be so angry with his wife he hits the wall in frustration and leaves a dent. He may even storm off, slamming the door so hard the cats run to find shelter.
But he always returns to his mate. And woe to the person who hurts her feelings, even children.
"You're right, Daddy, Mom's casserole does smell like the litter box!"
"What did you say??"
"I just said it smells like-"
"Young man, that's your Mother sitting there! The woman who carried you under her heart and brought you into this world with pain and blood and more blood, enough I almost passed out."
"Ruh-roh, she's tearing up..."
"Oh good job, junior! I hope you're satisfied."
"But you said it first-"
"I didn't say it where she could hear it, son. Don't you think that hurt Mom's feelings? Ah no, she's gone for tissues. Great job, just fantastic."
"You want the rest of my casserole, Dad?"
"Are you crazy? This crap tastes like the back side of a hor--- oh hi sweetheart! I see you found something to dry your eyes with. My favorite shirt? Ok....well, whatever works best for you."
"Don't cry, Mom! Your casserole smells wonderful. Almost as much as you do. Well, not almost as good. You smell the best. Even Daddy said so. He says that's why he never has to buy you perfume, you smell so good anyway."
"See sweetheart? Now let me get that last tear off your chin."
"Mom? Dad? Aw geesh, do you two have to do that NOW? Fuddruckers.. I HATE casserole!"
For all those macho qualities Feminists and wussy men hate about Manly Men, the rest of us know they're pretty darned cool. And I look forward to spending the rest of my life with mine..even if that means turning all my future casseroles into cat litter.