The Truth I Never Knew
"I remember my own childhood vividly... I knew terrible things. But I knew I mustn't let adults know I knew. It would scare them." -Maurice Sendak
I agree with Sendak because there was a truth that my parents didn't want me to know. The truth was my dad never loved me. My mother would send me to his mother's house, with the intention that he was going to be there. My grandmother (his mother) would call him and tell him I was there. When he arrived, we didn't interact with each other. I just knew something wasn't quite right about our relationship. After a while, I told my mother to not send me to his mother's house. She never understood why and I never explained. I didn't know how to describe the truth in my heart.
I believe children become aware of things earlier than they expect to, but they never tell their parents. Maybe they're afraid or maybe they don't know how. I believe it's because the parent doesn't allow the child(ren) freedom of expression. If a parent denies this from their child(ren), then a child becomes fearful of ever expressing their self.This will cause them to hide everything, especially things that are important.
My mother instilled in me that a child was meant to stay in a child's place. They should never be allowed to express the feelings in their hearts, even if the silence kills them. It was this belief that made me afraid to speak out against all the pain I carried in my heart. I knew no one wanted to hear the truth because it causes too many problems.
If I told my mother that my father didn't love me, she would probably wonder why. She believed he did or maybe she knew he didn't and wanted to spare my feelings. In my heart, she knew because she would always tell me to call him whenever I asked him for something. I would never call him because he never did anything for me.
When my mother did this, I just stopped asking for anything because I knew she was trying to test me. The truth of my parents haunted me. I say parents because my mother was just as guilty as my father. She should've done something. She should've made him pay child support. She should've fought for me, for my happiness.
My past is a lesson for fatherless daughters everywhere. It is something that is constantly in the back of my mind, but it doesn't define me. During my adolescent years, they affected my relationships with boys. I would never get close to anyone because I knew they would hurt me.
This reality affected my self-perception and sense of place. I believed no one could or ever would love me. Although this happened, I still believe I can be loved. I know love is a part of my life and always will be. My past is in the past and that's where it will stay.