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Learning Your Husband's Primary Love Language Will Enhance Your Marriage

Updated on October 24, 2017

Learning Your Husband's Primary Love Language

Love is a word everyone uses and a concept sought by all. In marriage we make a covenant commitment to love each other whole-heartedly through our actions. We profess it, we show it, we receive it, and we feel it – at least that’s the hope. Saying “I love you” with words is much more meaningful when it’s reinforced by action.

The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Books abound on the subject. Many of you know about “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. Television and radio talk shows deal with it. The Internet is full of advice. So are our parents and friends and churches. Keeping love alive in our marriages is serious business.

You can only show your spouse how much you love him by speaking his love language. However, sometimes you feel that you and your spouse are speaking different languages? What is your husband’s primary love language? What makes him feel most loved? What does he desire above all else? If the answer to those questions does not leap to your mind immediately, perhaps it will help to look at the negative use of love languages. What do you do or say — or fail to do or say — that hurts him deeply?

When you're trying to figure out your husband’s primary love language, it helps to look back over your marriage and ask, "What have your husband most often requested of me?" Whatever he has most requested is probably in keeping with his primary love language. Those requests have probably been interpreted by you as complaint — but in fact; they have been his efforts to secure emotional love from you.

Though our spouse’s complaints normally irritate us, they are actually giving us valuable information. If a spouse says, “We don’t ever spend any time together,” you may be tempted to say, “What do you mean? We went out to dinner last week.” Such a defensive statement will end the conversation. However, if you respond, “What would you like for us to do?” you will likely get an answer. The complaints of your husband are the most powerful indicators of the primary love language

Ignoring your husband's love languages is like ignoring the needs of a garden: If you don't weed, water or fertilize, it will die a slow death.

The big question is with all the help available from media experts, why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? Why is it that a couple can attend a communication workshop, hear wonderful ideas on how to enhance communication, return home and find themselves totally unable to implement the communication patterns demonstrated?

In his book, "The 5 Love Languages," Gary Chapman outlines five different ways people send and receive love. The five languages include, Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Physical Touch and Receiving Gifts, and shed insight into how individuals communicate affection. This book teaches simple, powerful information that can bring joy to married couples, or change the course of a struggling marriage.

We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love. If your primary love language is Acts of Service, you may show your husband love by making him an elaborate dinner. Unfortunately, unless your husband's primary language is also Acts of Service, he may not see your carefully prepared meal as a loving act. He might just see it as your normal domestic chore.

If your husband's primary love language is Words of Affirmation, make a goal to give him one sincere, heart-felt complement each day and not an elaborate dinner. This focus on the positive aspects of his character will bolster his sense of self-worth and give you a deeper appreciation for all he does.

What if the primary love language of your spouse is difficult for you? Seldom do husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because what we are speaking to them is a foreign language. It is like speaking Chinese to the man that understands only English. Once we discover the five basic love languages and understand your own primary love language, as well as the primary love language of your husband, you will then have the needed information to apply to your marriage..

Once you identify and learn to speak your husband's primary love language, I believe that you will have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage. I think that our primary love language tends to stay with us for a lifetime. It is like many other personality traits that develop early and remain consistent. Love need not evaporate after the wedding, but to keep it alive, most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn the primary love language of our spouses. We cannot rely on our own primary language if spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in their primary love language.

The good news is that all of the five love languages can be learned. It is true that most of us grew up speaking only one or two of these love languages. These will come natural for us and will be relatively easy. The others must be learned. As in all learning situations, small steps make for big gains.

The same is true with the other languages. If you are not a Words of Affirmation person and you discover that your spouse’s language is Words of Affirmation, you can make a list of statements that you hear from other persons or read in magazines or books.

But how can we speak each other's love language when we are full of hurt, anger and resentment over past failures? The interesting thing is that when we choose active expressions of love in the primary love language of our spouse, we create an emotional climate where we can deal with our past conflicts and failures.

Speaking his primary love language gives him the feeling that you care, that you admire him and appreciate him. His emotions soar with the thought that you see him as number one, that you are willing to devote time and energy exclusively to your relationship.

If you have learned to speak your husband’s primary love language, his need for love will continue to be satisfied. If, on the other hand, you do not speak his love language, his tank will slowly drain, and he will no longer feel loved. If you know his primary love language and choose to speak it, his deepest emotional needs will be met, and he will feel secure in the relationship. Meeting that need in one's spouse is definitely a choice.

I know that it can become discouraging when you feel that you are investing in the marriage and are receiving nothing in return. There are two possibilities as to why your husband is not responding. Firstly, it is likely you are speaking the wrong love language. Wives often assume that their husband’s love language is Physical Touch. Therefore, they make significant changes in the way they respond to their husband’s sexual desires. Often they will initiate sexual intercourse. She is sincerely trying to speak his love language. When he does not so much as acknowledge her efforts, she becomes discouraged. In reality, his primary love language may be Words of Affirmation.

Because she feels no love coming from him, she may likely nag. Her critical words create inharmonious atmosphere, so he withdraws from her. He suffers in silence while she becomes frustrated that her efforts for improving the marriage are unsuccessful. The problem is not her sincerity; the problem is that she is actually speaking the wrong love language.

Secondly, assuming you are speaking your husband’s primary love language, there is another reason why they may not be responding positively. If he is already involved in another romantic relationship, either emotionally or sexually, he will feel that your efforts have come too late. He may even perceive that your efforts are temporary and insincere and that you are simply trying to manipulate him to stay in the marriage. Even if your husband is not involved with someone else, if your relationship has been hostile for a long time, he may still perceive your efforts as being manipulative.

In this situation, the temptation is to give up, to stop speaking his love language because it is not making any difference. The worst thing you can do is to yield to this temptation. If you give up, it will confirm his conclusion that your efforts were designed to manipulate him. The best approach you can take is to continue to speak his love language on a regular basis no matter how he treats you. Give this a trial for at least six months.

There is nothing more powerful that you can do than to love your spouse even when they are not responding positively. Whatever the ultimate response of your spouse, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you have done everything you could do to restore your marriage. If your spouse eventually chooses to reciprocate your love, you will have demonstrated for yourself the power of unconditional love. And you will reap the benefits of the regeneration of mutual love.


Are you showing your husband love in a way he understands? Speaking your spouse's love language can take your connection to the next level. If you don’t know the “language” that allows your husband to feel and experience love, you will struggle to make him feel loved. Sometimes, a wife tries to love her husband using her own love language. But if your husband “speaks” a different language, your efforts will fall short, frustrating both of you. If you don’t know your husband’s love language, take the time to identify it. Try to carry out one loving act each day and see how your husband responds. I believe it’s your duty as wife to learn how to best communicate love to your husband. Once learned, it then becomes your glad obligation to speak his language regularly. Assuming you know your spouse’s love language, it’s now time to learn to speak it. Learning about your husband's love language lets you understand him better, while speaking your husband's love language empowers you to show him love in meaningful ways. Take note that when you first start trying to send love in another language, it may feel awkward or forced. Our primary love languages come very naturally to us, but speaking another love language requires learning how to speak in a new way. Even if your attempts aren't perfect, your husband will appreciate your efforts. You may not see immediate results in your marriage, but most husbands will start to speak your own love language when they see how hard you're trying.


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