- Gender and Relationships
Impotence: The pointlessness of self eroticism
An unusual look at the subject
Is/was your relationship adversely affected by impotence?
Why it is pointless -or destructive!
Although masterbation ("mb." from now on) may relieve sexual tensions and frustrations for awhile. It may be better to look at what is causing the build up of these feelings in the first place. And work to avoid such things, change those types of behaviours etc. Therefore we may free ourselves -that is those that take part in this behaviour.
I'm not going to get too deep into the claims of those that call it "self pollution", nor those who insist that it leads to some kind of rejection from God/entry to Heaven. I do subscribe to the line of thought that the person is injured somehow, emotionally, exposure to sex too early means that thoughts of it are present in the psyche far longer than those whose introduction to the subject starts when older, and is "normally" derived, within appropriate conditions that respect boundaries and try to conduct the informative sessions in only an appropriate way.
What is normal, what is appropriate?
It is easier to start with a brief description of what is abnormal and inapropriate. For instance demonstrations are well out! For one thing, when the time is right it usually comes naturally anyway. And in the few cases where it might not, there are books around and relationship counsellors to cover much of the blanks. (try: Mars and Venus in the bedroom, by John Gray).
It is quite inappropriate to show some-one how to masturbate or even describe. And it shows the culprit to be lacking when they invariably find a younger kid to influence. I wouldn't say it was a good thing like some of these sex guides seem to claim. For the reason that those who aren't shown how to tend not to waste their time with it!
Society seem to treat sex as a pass time, an ego, status boost. We get the message that we must have sex no matter what, and it's importance becomes over hyped. Kids laugh at their peers just because they are virgins. Hence the reason to get a date is less about finding love and more about chucking this precious niavety, and gift away! -GIFT: for both parties who have it to give. Said to be so not just for purity, but less threat of being burdened by worries of comparisons, therefore less threat of being left for some-one else etc. People found by platonic social interaction whom they wanted to be with the most.
MB. is pointless because the function of the organ in it's truest sense is merely reproductive. Before condoms were invented, how do you think couples knew that they were in love? It wasn't with one night stands usually, until post war periods when many had to marry quickly. And that was better for the child as their is less strain on the parent that has help from the original source.
Thoughts on the Sex drive
In normal people: It seems most usual (And I say 'seems' because my own situation was an abusive carry on) for a person to interact with some-one to get to know they like them. So the drive gradually builds up. Thinking of how happy we were with the person when we are apart rather than the way they look. Feelings take on strange but pleasant currencies with that person. Within a relationship, we tend to think less about changing a person -this shows disatisfation. And is an hypocrisy "I love you, don't do that" (control shows conditional "love" is all that's there). And testing "You'd change, if you loved me" v. reality 'if you loved me, you wouldn't need or want me to change". This should be left to a persons own personal growth, if they want to.
With our feelings being strong, strongly for a person. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Opportunity for romance may spark the need to be together.
My own comparitive problems.
They say "Sex sells" and so every-one gets on the money trail. And so it gets plastered everywhere. Films no longer leave much to the imagination. Even women now concern with seeking to know what they could get, /if they wanted! Rather than just leaving to chance, and dress according to this need often despite the weather, or even news that some nut case is set or let loose! All you get is "I can dress how I want", then they don't understand it when some nut believes they can do what they want! The question remains: why would the woman want to do what they want, as well as getting to the bottom of the nuts reasons for not bothering to learn or understand the norms and tolerations of society.
Ads. annoy me too. Half dressed women, and the rest of their tricks to try to associate products to sex. And place this in the viewers mind hoping they won't realise it. The way things are going, they are turn into mini soft porn movies!
Being introduced early to sex caused the following problems.
The abuser associated women with the sexual abuse via nude pictures, making me oggle women -long before I knew what this was, about age 4-7 yrs old. I learned to think of women while much of this abuse was going on. This was part of "numbing out" for me. Unfortunately, whether through necessity or design my unconscious/system wanted to keep it locked away, hidden from my conscious -ie. numbed out. So oggling women became a habbit. And this takes away much socialising, a womens no is often to avoid you, the difference between shyness is a turned up nose and so on ("err, not him!" heard among others when younger). Mostly this was looks only, getting to know one or two made me want to run through incompatibility rather than all that baggage. Most of the time they noticed it before me because my social upbringing was neglected. My homelife, I think they thought I would recieve everything from said abuser as he had been a teacher, and was more into culture -although I found much of this weird! Looking back I certainly do. "Rugby baths" and "Greek Pentathlons"! Which he didn't disclose to the upbringers, but left me with the hard questions if/when I said anything, only occurring on the rarity that I was asked. "I don't approve of that sort of thing!" My mum once said to me, at age 7 when he gave me the picture to show her. Of the camping trip we'd gone on overnight in the country place in Scotland. This seemed to alienate me from my mother because she didn't confront him. She should've stopped us from seeing him there and then, but I think she was too scared to make a scene! No-one else wanted us, I was told it was my bad manners, I had a way of getting over excited when feeling happy, and some how go too far, or manage to get blamed for ruining/spoiling the fun somehow. So no-one else invited us for holidays. I think this was some kind of projection from my mum/grandma somehow, though grandma was supposed to be the reason we got any holiday at all. The only other viable destination was down South with other relatives where Grandma got invited, but we weren't mentioned at all. After one trip where I tended to upset with poor table manners. How to learn what your never taught would be a good Hub/question? I could only go with what was accepted day to day! I got blame, shouted at/criticised instead of teaching, so further alienation occurred, as it did in many other ways. Loneliness and having a lack of other things to do. Cleaning tended to be done when I got home from school. As the stress of not knowing who to tell, what to say nor how to say it. (another good hub idea!) meant stress, anxiety etc. built up, and as I got more and more strange I had less and less decent people wanting to know/spend time with me. So then the idiots crept in, and the manipulative bullies -complete wastes of space, time and energy! Absolute users. So as the social mode from home was a misconstrued social dogma that has been confused with the religious "put yourself last", only the parents were putting me last. Stopping me having my own say, choice of associates etc. More stress more alienation. And introduced to this numb out world of masturbation. I said it was pointless but I found it's point. So I change this to destructive now because though it was refuge when I had no chance in society. (though I strangely became a good indoor goalkeeper in lessons! This and the fact the English tutor saw me to have a good imagination seemed to be the only thing which saved me from the school for the slow and disturbed)
A sex drive that is bigger than the capacity for safe build up. (don't get confused with safe sex.) This is the rate that determines how long it takes for us to "want some .." again. If a persons development has not been disrupted, interfered with, there tends to be more gradual, more stable build. If both partners in a couple never got any early and inappropriate exposure and were able to fend off any offers before they were ready for them. They should be no/few problems between them as regards schedule and type etc.
However many of us come across perverts and are unsuspecting when we do! Some problems encountered are 1. Wanting sex even when we don';t want it, or thinking we do. This can be manifested as trying to get nookie when the partner clearly isn't interested, or/and wanting to go on and on with it, especially after the so callled "honey moon period" has passed. Though this may hide/distort the fact that it has.
So why is mb. pointless or/and destructive?
Well for a start, it does not help in a relationship. Without wishing to be too graphic, different parts of the anatomy get the main exercise. In the former, it is the hand, wrist that get the exercise. While in a relationship it requires that the hips move, and the arms have staying power. While reverse positions are perhaps too close to recreating the situation of having to be submissive, that is to say being subjected to what was unwanted and bringing up the bad memories and akward feelings by similarity association.
Neither does it help with the joining phase of 'love making'. Perhaps partly as above, but also because of being totally unaware, unprepared for this happening, not knowing what this was sent me into a panick with my first girlfriend. And I pulled back in surprise, I was unable to explain this and as she thought I'd pulled away from her/because it was her, the relationship suffered going downhill and eventually ending after that -along with any function I had initially managed to retain!
The upshot being that a mind dealing with a first encounter is stress free, full of excitement and anticipation, my own "first" experience was changed to the anxiety of fighting off bad memories and too much excitement caused by the belief that I could just wipe away years of frustration with one encounter. Instead the fight to focus created more of the frustration as it got in the way of normal erectile function.
The term "bed buddy" is becoming common place, in the sense of replacing mb. as a passtime, which carries more stigma. Is it Just growing up?
Spinal fluid is lost in ejaculation. This from a young age can weaken us. As this, according to my 'education' is present long before adolescence/puberty and the occurrence of sperm -which still includes the fluid to carry DNA etc. But to lose too much of this can cause growth deformities etc. Including ailments later on that probably would not have occurred -so early anyway. (In both males and females).
I cannot say that all with erection problems have masturbated. I do know that this is easier than with a partner, because when subject to abuse that involved a 'partner' (please some-one find a better word?) And mental torture in trying to stop the orgasm, and erection so as to try not to take part! Though always beaten by the abuser through sheer persistence. Therefore I don't advocate this method with a genuine partner as it will feel -to the system- like more abuse. And the prevention mechanisms that occurred before are most likely to reoccur. And try not to encourage these with further mb's. First learn to relax gently, and become aware of all your tensions to work to release them. If you're still not ready, so beit. You don't have to, if you don't want.
The process for recovery involves a caring, understanding and patient partner. The person is best asked first if they can cope with it, I hope I have given means to best explain it. But do discuss it or all kind of things can be imagined and even return tricks played by conviction from an assumption!