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The stages we experience when a relationship ends

Updated on June 20, 2009

 When my past relationships died,  I was overwhelmed with so many feelings.  First, disbelief.  Then, sadness.  Anger began to fill my mind.  Lastly, grief.  If I look at each of these on their own level, I can now see that fear  motivated many of these feelings.


Disbelief.  I could not believe that after I had prepared meals, cleaned house, did laundry and gave my love to this man that he would say he wanted to walk away.  My disbelief was actually the fear that I wasn’t enough for him.  I couldn’t see at that point that his needing to walk away had nothing to do with me; rather had everything to do with himself and his need to sort through his own rubbish in order to feel whole.  The little girl inside of me began to believe that she wasn’t valued once again. 

Sadness.  I feared being alone.  I didn’t want to be “out there” by myself again.  I loved having him around and playing “marriage” with him.  I liked the idea of having a boyfriend and having someone give me affection.  I immediately began to think of life without.  I became afraid.


Anger.  I became angry that he could do such a thing to me.  He told me endlessly about how he loved me and loved the things I had done for him.  How could he?  I was expressing my fear loudly.  I yelled and I cried because  I felt that so many had taken their love away from me in the past and now, it was happening again.  I was mad but perhaps more at myself for not seeing this coming.  How could I have opened myself up to someone again only to be hurt once more?  I was afraid of the possibility that I would have to go through yet another relationship looking for a  person that I could share my life with.


Grief.  I still feel this sometimes.  I don’t believe that we ever forget about true losses in our life.  I’m not talking about someone you knew for a week or someone that you dated for a couple months.  I’m speaking of a loss that happens between you and someone that you exposed yourself completely  to.  Yourself being your heart, mind and soul.  Giving someone your trust.  It is never easy to open up and become vulnerable.  I had done this once...with him.  My grief comes from the fear that I am not wanted any more.  That I am dispensable.  That no matter how much love I give out to others, it will never be enough for them to want to stay with me.  Once again, I am making this all about me and if I am logical, I will realize that when someone needs to leave a relationship, the reasons lie within their needs; not with what they already have.  No one can completely provide the needs of their partner.  We must provide to ourselves as well.  He didn’t know how to provide intrinsic needs to himself; how could he possibly know how to provide them to me?  I had also forgotten to do the same for myself.  As difficult as loss can be, it has forced me to begin addressing my own personal needs that I had neglected.  I always tried to make him the focus of my life; along with my children.  I began to neglect my other talents and needs.  I still struggle daily to put myself on the top of the list.  I believe that even in this age of independence for women, we still grow up believing that we need to nurture those around us.  That our needs come last. 


It is incoherent to some that there are women in this world that do not want to marry nor have children.  If a man feels this way, he is just called an eternal bachelor.  If a woman feels this way, something is wrong with her.  I want to run up to one of these women and rub her like a genie’s lamp.  To get some of that confidence that will enable me to move forward and find peace in being alone if that indeed becomes my destiny,  and taking care of my own needs.  I don’t know when I began to feel like the Statue of Liberty.  “Bring me your woes.  Your wounded.  Your troubles.  Your new life can begin with me.”  I have always opened my arms to those around me and pulled them in.  Fed them.  Clothed them.  Loved them.  It was in my giving that I felt a great sense of acceptance and self satisfaction.  It is important now that I can wrap my own arms around my own body as tightly as possible and love myself.  It isn’t something that makes me comfortable.  I’m new at this.



Death walks among us

It's the cackle that spews from a thin mouth...

The poisonous words that are toxic to the kind ear.

It relishes in being demonic; spawned by Satan himself

Death walks among us and looks for it's next victim.

It doesn't care if a child is hurt...

Or if innocent people are crushed by it's claws.

It smiles and bares it's fangs-eager to bite into flesh

and watch the blood trickle

while lapping it up and wanting more.

Death has attacked many and never looks behind

to see if it's victims are still living.

It doesn't care.

It ravages the brains of those that come in contact

and those that tried to tame it.

How sad for death

that it will never know true love

and the nurturing spirit that lives in others

without selfishness.

Jealousy, greed, power are all attributes of death.

Beware of the demonstrators

exhibiting these traits.

They will slit your throat and anyone's in their way.

They care not who they trample to get what they want.

Children, women, men;

all are prey to death.

In the end they will not win.

They will shrivel, die and rot in the ground.

Even the maggots won't pay them homage.

Their kingdom will be hell

and Lucifer will feed them breakfast

of humility, compassion and their own bitterness.

But of course,

It will be too late.



Death can be represented by so many things.  It can be a person.  An idea.  A group.  Whatever your death may be,  it is hurtful and tries to choke the mere existence of your well being, until you no longer feel in control.


In many ways, death (mind you, the metaphorical death- not true death) teaches us lessons.  I do believe there is evil that exists in the world.  That there are situations and people that appear to be the devil in disguise.  Everyone makes choices on a daily basis that affect those around them.  Some choices can be life altering.  Others barely noticed.  One belief I do hold to be true is that evil meets evil in the end.  It doesn’t have to be the end of life either.  People that make it their life’s calling to mistreat and barrage others with misfortune will one day meet obstacles themselves and will find there is no one to give them any type of reprieve.  They will be living in a personal hell.  Maybe they will realize their errors and do all they can to correct them.  Who doesn’t love the stories of being visited by ghosts from the past, present and future?


Some people seem to experience bad luck without even trying.  They can’t walk without tripping.  Can’t get dressed without finding a hole in their pants once they arrive at the office.  Can’t eat without wearing their food.  To them, death is an every day, humiliating experience.  Somewhere in their future, with a good sense of humor and a good thought, they can turn their experiences into a positive endeavor.  By focusing on their talents and by turning their misfortunes into fodder, they can reap the benefits of their humility and win the hearts of others.


Death can come in the form of a bad, abusive relationship.  It can be losing a job.  It can be making a mistake that doesn’t seem to have a solution.  Death can be the end of any one of us if we truly believe that it has more power over us.  I’m learning that it is in loving ourselves that death becomes weak.  That in giving ourselves credit for trying, pursuing and eventually accomplishing our goals, that death becomes only an idea in our minds.  We cannot allow “death” to penetrate into our existence.  We must fight the urge to let it have power over us.  We need to believe that our faith will guide us through to better days and experiences. 





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