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The ten biggest mistakes men make with women, and yet have no clue what they did wrong

Updated on December 3, 2011

What every man should know if they haven't already figured it out...

This is my first ever attempt at answering another hubbers request and I hope it won't be a disappointment. I will attempt (it is my desire) to allow the Spirit of God to lead me here. I don't know that I can answer in terms of what a man does "wrong" so much as what I know to be effective.

This really isn't an easy thing to answer since every woman is a different personality, having varying interests, backgrounds and life experiences and each of us being at a different place on our individual really, I guess I can only answer it from a general or perhaps my own personal perspective. I've been around the block a bit, yet it's been a while. I will have been with the same man now for 15 years on July 16th.. Who'da thought?

So it's obvious you recognize that men and women are VERY different or you wouldn't have brought up this topic. Throughout this hub, I may refer to some books (in addition to the Bible of course) that I think are good resources for helping men and women to understand one another and stay and grow together.

1. This may sound kind of dorky to many, but remember you guys who struggle with women and self image, you need to see yourself as a royal prince, demonstrating strength and confidence! I can't imagine a woman not wanting a man who is going to be her "knight in shining armor"...and most men want a beauty to rescue... Yet it is a fact, many men try to appear strong when they really are fearful. Men need to get at the root of those fears and overcome them. "Wild at Heart" is a great resource to assist with that, authored by John Eldredge.

2. Be romantic in an original, classy and surprising fashion. Keep a sense of balance, don't overdue it....some guys get so head over heels crazy about a woman it can be kind of gushy and icky...remember to stay cool, containing any overly excited feelings you may be experiencing. If she doesn't appreciate your efforts, she's not going to appreciate you and she may not be worth pursuing further. I think the last thing most guys want is a high maintenance chick, regardless of how pretty she might be.

3. Be a gentleman. Remember to open doors and show some manners such as "please" and "thank you". Don't offer to order for her at a restaurant unless you are having the same thing or are sharing something, but always remember, ladies first. You don't have to make her wait in the car till you come around and open the door for her but you should always unlock and open her car door, before your own.

4. Make decisions; plan, put your foot down if necessary. A woman sees a man who always answers, "I don't care," or "it's up to you," as indecisive, uninterested, unmotivated and lacking leadership qualities. If you don't agree with a plan or a position on a topic, speak up. Choosing to be 'non-confrontational' rather than true to yourself can be construed as a sign of weakness.

5. Provide. Be the bread winner, the conquering hunter who puts the food on the table. I know this can be a lot of pressure for a guy these days and something a man as a man, wants to do anyway. Providing gives a woman a sense of security. Many women may want to work and if she does so, better due to desire rather than necessity. With this ideal scenario, not only is the man feeling good about himself, so is the woman about her man as provider.

6. BE honest, genuine, sincere. DON'T be macho, overbearing or braggish (it IS obnoxious). Be willing to open up and contribute to a conversation and rather than evade a question or subject; don't make something up for the sake of having something to say....It's ok to express something like, "I'm clueless about this subject, so I really don't know how to respond." Some guys can be SO reserved until they feel comfortable; this however can be perceived as suffering from one or all of the "three D's"...dense, dull, depressed. Having an air of mystery is a good thing however and I suppose discernment may be the key here since my contrasting might seem confusing. Playing a little 'hard to get,' can work in a mans favor, particularly in a courtship stage of a relationship. An element of mystery is sexy, which may make some women crazy and spark further interest since I think by nature, we as women can be kind of nosy, wanting to know all.

7. Learn her love language(s) and discover what yours is too while you're at it. Many people have more than one...Another book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman is excellent...the languages include physical touch (yea, I know, 99% of you guys out there are probably thinking, 'well duh - that's a no brain-er!'), acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, and receiving gifts. Beware of those who fit into the category of "receiving gifts" as a primary love language, it's likely she's "high maintenance" so you'll need to be one who enjoys giving gifts too (which translates into, SHOPPING!!!).

8. Take it slow. I know there are many women out there today who don't even know what that means so a guy has an additional challenge when faced w/ a physically aggressive woman! My point is this though: The person you end up committing to for life, you want them to not only be your lover but your BEST friend. Be cautious about giving too much of yourself to someone who is not a potential candidate for this role.

9. Know how to "keep her on her toes" with your wit; know how to keep things "light," have (or cultivate?) a good sense of humor. Women often fall in love with physically unattractive men because a guy can make her laugh.

10. Don't be too much of a computer geek. Learn how to be "Mr. Home Improvement" but not neglecting quality time w/ her. Love adventure, be courageous, be spontaneous, show persistence and be willing to step out of the comfort zone and embrace opportunities to learn and experience new things.


Submit a Comment

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 8 years ago from Washington

    Thanks Mike for the compliment and glad to hear you are doing better now a days when it comes to relationships! We are all unique, including learning and growing (including getting wiser) at different paces. Main thing we "get" or understand that which we are supposed to at some point.

    All the best!


  • Mike Lickteig profile image

    Mike Lickteig 8 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

    Christine, you show a rare insight into relationships. It's a shame I couldn't read this hub about 30 years ago, when I struggled for some time with my relationships (I'm doing somewhat better now lol). Thanks for posting this.

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 8 years ago from Washington

    Wow Peter, Thanks for such an incredibly flattering compliment! You made my day and I'm glad you liked it and hope those whom you share it with will find the content to be as valuable.

    Hope you have an amazing weekend!


  • PETER UNDERHILL profile image

    PETER UNDERHILL 8 years ago

    This article is so well done that I will recommend it to every man i know. Christinekv has captured the essence of a successful relationship. Probably the best work I have read on the subject. She is an insightful and articulate writer on the human condition. Keep it going. I am anxious to read more.


  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 8 years ago from Washington

    Hello Barbara,

    Thanks for the visit and the great comments!


  • annb106 profile image

    annb106 8 years ago


    That was right on target, and well written.


  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 8 years ago from Washington

    Thanks BD - glad you found it positive and helpful! Soyelude here on hubpages has a great hub called "How to CHEAT on your wife" which, talk about surprising titles in contrast to the'll be astounded and blessed by that one too I think!

  • BDazzler profile image

    BDazzler 8 years ago from Gulf Coast, USA

    I am astounded by this article Christi, I read the title and I assumed it would be one more "man bashing" list of stuff we always mess up.

    It was positive and helpful.

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 8 years ago from Washington

    Thanks for the visit and the comment RVilleneuve!  Would your husband appreciate the list or are you thinking he might learn something? (LOL)

  • RVilleneuve profile image

    RVilleneuve 8 years ago from Michigan

    Great list. I should show my husband.

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 9 years ago from Washington

    Eddie, I find it hard to believe that you or anyone else could have "missed all ten"!

    I don't think I really prayed much before writing this. I typically say to Him, something like, "Lord, help me write this," or "help me out here" or "what do you want me to say?" Very simple faith yet confident in His living in me and my ability to know/hear His voice.

    I try to be positive since I easily tire of negativity and critical spirits; so I guess my turning the question around came about naturally (or perhaps supernaturally!).

    Thanks for the encouraing compliments and all the thumbs up! Blessings on you and yours!

  • profile image

    Eddie Perkins 9 years ago

    Christi,  I've missed all ten but I'll try harder.

    You stated "I will attempt (it is my desire) to allow the Spirit of God to lead me here. I don't know that I can answer in terms of what a man does "wrong" so much as what I know to be effective." I think you are right on.

    Anything that is inspired of the Spirit of God has to be good. One reason I believe that you accomplished what you set out (prayed) to do is that you addressed it from what effectively works for you. No second hand information here. 

    You are a great writer. This is the third hub I've read in a row and all three are great. You've earned three thumbs up. Keep writing. ~ eddie

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 9 years ago from Washington

    Thanks Junjie. I do my best to be genuine, honest and transparent.

  • Junjie profile image

    Junjie 9 years ago from Singapore

    Usually I don't like to read what women say they want from men, because usually they're either lying or deceived. But you wrote well and you wrote truly... Great job!

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 9 years ago from Washington

    Hi Funnebone...You've posed a question that based on your locale, I'm sure is a no..I'm surprised you are still single if that list was written for you! From having read a few of your other hubs just moments ago (before coming back here and responding to your comment), I am not sure I'm inclined to believe you (you mentioned deception?!). Yet the part where I wrote a guy needs to be funny and keep a woman on her toes, bet you've got that mastered - 15+ years ago, a guy with your sense of humor is totally the type I would have gone for! Original and naughty, over the top are you!

  • funnebone profile image

    funnebone 9 years ago from Philadelphia Pa

    Did we date? Cause Its like that list was written for me.

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 9 years ago from Washington

    Hi Ty, Thanks for reading and for the comments...I'm a very relational person so I always try to be available to listen and share my thoughts if a person wants to hear them (even if they don't I suppose, since I know with all that I've said in the past - verbally or written - not everyone will appreciate my viewpoint!).

    Anyway, I think with age and experience comes some wisdom...then of course I have the Word to look to which is foremost the most important source....I've been one to seek out marriage counseling in the not too distant past myself and I learned a lot and am in a better place w/ my husband now, but I know there's always more to learn, room for improvement/things to work on and I'm not pointing fingers at my husband anymore so than myself.

    Regarding your hub, still looking forward to seeing it when you're ready. I do believe that lots of reading helps one become a better writer so don't sweat it.

    G-MA J - You are the real sweetie and I appreciate the compliments!

    Regarding bad choices, trying to work things out, wounds which have been inflicted and received and run really deep.... I've witnessed it in the lives of others I care deeply about. I know there are those who just won't help themselves when it comes to bad behaviour whether it's actions or lack of, or things said or not.... and I've seen people become so bitter, angry and miserable that as much as I don't want to lose hope for anyone, when people make that choice, it often seems there's no turning back, just gotta move forward with life, putting some things behind and pursue healing for the mind, body, spirit or more than likely a combination of the (maybe all) three. May we not be victims and may we learn how to let go and forgive.

  • G-Ma Johnson profile image

    Merle Ann Johnson 9 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

    I loved sschilke's my, seems he has a good sense of humor..and I do so agree with most of your thoughts my dear... you are a wise and sweet lady...

    We all ?? can make bad choices though...and after trying hard to repair the damages done..sometimes it is hopeless....and we must go on..there are a few words from a song by Rodney Atkins.."If you are going thru hell...just keep on moving....face that fire and walk right thru might get out before the devil even knows you're there"..anyway great hub..keep it up sweetie..G-Ma :o) hugs

  • Tyhill27 profile image

    Tyhill27 9 years ago from Red Deer, Alberta

    Hey Christine, I should be working on getting a hub published before reading others but since I'm not married yet, and have lots to learn on the subject it has to be done. There is lots of info here, but to be honest I don't think I would have too many problems with this at all. It's very well done! Perhaps if I ever have any concerns or questions in a relationship I can come to you for advice.

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 9 years ago from Washington

    Hi Sam - Thanks for visiting and for the gracious comments...coming from you, knowing you counsel many couples, it means a lot! Yes, I agree, we need to keep working at it - quality relationships do require a lot!

    Regarding a sequel, I'm flattered but don't know...perhaps you or someone else would like to take a shot at answering this request and making positive contributions as well! I'd look forward to reading what you (and others) would have to say!

    TTYL -


  • soyelude profile image

    soyelude 9 years ago from Lagos - Nigeria

    Nice job Christinekv. You should consider online marriage counselling! I do agree a lot with 1-10 save that one needs to keep WORKING AT IT!!!! I'll give it to you are right on in this. If it isn't asking too much....we need a part 2 sequel!! Bless you,dear one.

  • christinekv profile image

    christinekv 9 years ago from Washington

    Thanks guys for visiting and commenting....

    Sschilke, you aren't being honest...I can see you are witty and have a sense of humor! Nagging is no fun for the nagger or the nagee....we aren't big on lists here in our home either, so even though the 'honey do' list doesn't physically materialize, it isn't imaginary!

    Rob, I've heard "Waking the Dead" is excellent and hope to one day read it as well. How nice for me to see from your comment there is agreement from some guys regarding my viewpoints. I appreciate your letting me know as it affirms there is something worthwhile in what I expressed.

    Blessings to you both.

  • Rob Jundt profile image

    Rob Jundt 9 years ago from Midwest USA

    Christine, great job here. I agree with all your viewpoints. I also enjoyed the reference to John Eldredge's book, "Wild at Heart." That is a great read. I'm currently reading another one of John's books, "Waking the Dead." So far it's excellent. Nice work with this request.

  • sschilke profile image

    sschilke 9 years ago

    christine kv,

    I am happy to say that I am all of the above...except for 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,... I do some home improvement, but only after continuous and extended periods of intense nagging.

    Good practical advice.