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The Things You Should Consider Before Leaving Your Cheating Partner

Updated on August 22, 2017
Mary Florence profile image

Mary Florence is an offline article writer, blogger and poet.

Letting go is never easy

Faithfulness is an unwritten rule in most relationships. It could be a deal-breaker to some couples and yet not an issue to some couples in polyamourous or open relationships.

When you are starting a relationship, it usually does not matter if you talked about being faithful or not, faithfulness is usually a basic presumption. As soon as you are an item, none of you should be caught in a compromising position. For instance if you walked in on your sister sitting on your boyfriend's lap the unwritten rule dictates that your partner is in breach of the ties that bind you and your sister has broken the sister-code but that's a topic for another day.

If you go out seeking advice from anyone about what you should do about a cheating partner the obvious response is that you should quit the relationship. But before you quit the relationship there are factors you ought to think about before you decide on anything;

  • No one is Perfect

Human beings are fallible creatures. Once in a while we are bound to make mistakes. Cheating is a mistake. It's a mistake to feel convicted and still proceed to secretely act on your desires while simply hoping that you will not be caught. The whole act could be a mistake. If your partner says it was a mistake then he/she
deserves another chance to make things right.

  • Is Cheating a Deal-Breaker to you?

Everyone seems to believe that cheating should automatically be a deal-breaker. But we need to consider the fact that these are just man-made expectations. No rule can govern how you relate with your partner except the rules you make between yourselves. Is cheating a deal-breaker in your relationship? Does it go to the root of your relationship? Does it change things? Think based on your relationship not how a relationship should work. Every relationship is different. No two relationships in this world survive on the same set of rules because human beings are different.

  • You cannot Fix your Partner

Your partner's main weakness could be that he/she can not be faithful. Sometimes we just know the people we are involved with are not the faithful type but we try to fix them. For instance, being involved with an obvious philanderer and hoping that you can fix that. If you leave your partner, do not leave hoping that absence will make the heart grow fonder and that when you get back together your ex-partner will change for you. First find out if it is something that can be changed if not, leave and never be back.

  • Does your Partner have other Great Qualities?

In the end we just want to be happy. You probably are involved with someone who is really great except for the fact that he/she cheated on you. If cheating is a dealbreaker for you, you must let that person go because if you stay it will be against your principles and expectations. Forgiving will not be easy and you will resent your partner and hence your relationship will still collapse. But on the other hand, if you can look past the cheating you probably can appreciate the other qualities. The rumour around is that sometimes we leave our cheating partners only to end up with someone who was dumped for cheating. If you can embrace someone who cheated on someone else why not stick with the devil whom you know?

  • Sex is not Love

It is possible for someone to only want to be sexually involved with someone else but that does not mean they would consider leaving you for that person. Some people do get involved in such encounters deeply. But some as we say above would rather refer to such liaisons as mistakes they might never be involved in again. So how do you know it was nothing beyond the physical? Well, follow your instincts, trust your partner and if they keep on doing the same mistake you have to consider leaving because it also puts you at risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

  • Human Beings are Polygamous in Nature

Well, we really are animals. But we have set up a decent social life and hence are expected to behave a certain way towards a certain people. We are really trying. Apart from some communities where polygamy is allowed, the number of partners anyone is expected to be involved in at any time is one. Having relationships with multiple people at once is shunned upon. Sometimes you could be hard on your partner for and you might leave him/her for cheating only to meet someone new who also leaves you for your cheating. "Once a cheat, always a cheat" is a fallacy. Anyone can cheat at some point of their lives. Even you as a principled person who cannot stand cheating, one day you could cheat too. Maybe it's unrealistic to be loyal to one person for the rest of your lives although some people play around during the dating period yet stay faithful throughout a marriage. Maybe your partner is the type that cannot cheat during a marriage. Does that count?

  • Walking Past a Temptation is not Easy

Your partner meets different people through the day, through months and years. Some of the people your partner interacts with and some who seduce him are physically more attractive than you are to him. That's the truth. Your partner will be tempted once, twice or even more times. Walking past a temptation is not easy. Sometimes our instincts just want to indulge. In fact, sometimes the easiest way to get over a temptation is to indulge in it. Sometimes you reject a temptation but it haunts you. It doesn't mean your partner loves you less than the person he/she cheated on you with, he/she probably does not even like that person but temptation simply took over. It could be just that.

  • Your Partner's Attitude Towards Cheating

You could be involved with someone who does not value faithfulness. Just because you think relationships should be monogamous does not mean everyone shares that view. In that case, you could be in a relationship with someone who apologises just for the sake of it and vows within themselves to be more careful not to get caught last time. Some people believe cheating is intercourse only so if they are caught flirting or in any indiscreet behaviour they will not understand why you should be bothered.

In conclusion, as you walk away you need to think about exactly what you are walking away from and what you will be going back to if you change your mind about leaving.

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    • Mary Florence profile image
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      Mary F 2 weeks ago

      Great, great points. Thank you. I agree with most of it although I should explain why or how cheating could be a mistake.

      No one was born a cheat. Anyone can cheat no matter how principled they are. It will be a mistake when you decide to listen to your sexual urges rather than reasoning. And that's why some people regret their cheating incidences. Even if that incident was pre- planned, premeditated and anticipated, it could be that during all that time the mind was obsessed and overwhelmed by the urge to stray.The mind could not just steer away from the desire to end up in that mistake. When it's done that's when we regret abd if someone is sincerely apologetic there's no point holding on to it if you intend to stay.

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 3 weeks ago

      "No one is Perfect" - Very true!

      However cheating is not a "mistake" such as forgetting to dot an (i) or cross a (t), turning left when you meant to turn right. Lets face cheating is an (intentional act) of betrayal in a relationship for which one has promised to be faithful.

      "Is Cheating a Deal-Breaker to you?" That's the real question!

      Oftentimes people swear that it is until it happens to them.

      Apparently there's a difference between the hypothetical and life. There are also different types or levels of cheating.

      Some people consider watching porn to be cheating, getting caught flirting with someone, sexting strangers they've never met, having secret friends they meet for lunch, exchanging emotional love/lust messages online.

      In other instances it is sexual contact but it's a "one night stand" on a business trip, or an ongoing affair, it involved your best friend, a sibling, or co-worker, a child was conceived, an STD was contracted, they cheated with multiple partners, or paid for sex...etc You learn they've been cheating from "day one"!

      All of these are factors as to if a person may be able to "forgive" and rebuild trust with their mate.

      The reality is there are no "universal deal breakers".

      Without a doubt some people are living with all of these various cheating scenarios and have no plans of walking away. Their biggest fear is being "judged" by their family and friends for staying. Historically some women have chosen to "look the other way" if their mate is discrete. This is especially true if the woman has little or no interest in sex.

      Last but not least when you found out did they show real contrition and ask for forgiveness or did they deny it make you feel as if you were being paranoid and insecure?

      Just as immediately ending a relationship or marriage may not be what you (truly want) so can be offering immediate forgiveness. Some people do so as knee jerk reaction because they're so in shock over being cheated that the thought of going through a divorce is too much for them.

      Several weeks or months later even if their cheating spouse has bent over backwards to make amends, be transparent, and so the betrayed person simply cannot let it go.

      They may end up leaving after all or worse engage in some "revenge cheating". It's probably best to take a two week break before making a final decision rather than trying to push forward with one immediately.

      "You cannot Fix your Partner" - Very true!

      The goal is to find someone who shares your same values!

      There are only two ways to experience joy and peace of mind in relationships: We either get what we want or we learn to be happy with what we have. Accept them (as is) or move on.

      The choice is up to us!

      Know yourself, Love yourself, Trust yourself.