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The truth about Single Mothers and dating

Updated on May 1, 2012

How Christian Principles Make Relationships Work

Let's get down to something that REALLY needs to be discussed: Single Mothers and dating...

The things you are about to read are designed to assist you, and be an aid in and for your developing better functioning relationship; please take it that way and put your shield down, take off the armor, and allow yourself to be taught...Ladies...

Single mothers exist in far greater proportions than ever before in history. There are many reasons for this and hopefully, together we will be able to eliminate some of those reasons, as many are self induced, Truth Is...

FIRST, I'm going to say that for all of you women who like to say that you are "Single By Choice", STOP LYING! You may be single because of a choice you made, but if you were willingly and truly happy being single, you wouldn't be reading this...Truth is...

What it is, you made decisions and/or chose NOT to do things that would have prevented you from being single; so in that sense, yes, you are single by choice. But if you are realistic and want to learn ways to combat your own ego, pride, and selfishness so that you can get over yourself or whatever else is in the way of your being able to co-exist with a man harmoniously; read on and apply what's here, then get back to me with the results...

For one, the biggest obstacle for many women today is to accept their place in a relationship, and the world for that matters, as it was established by GOD(not man, not me) . More and more women want to run things and have the ultimate say in everything involved in their life. I always point out that it was Eve's desire to make decisions and Adam going along with it that got us all into the mess we are in. GOD des not approve of,nor did HE intend for women to be in charge; that's just the way that it is...Truth is...

That presents a problem today because there are more than a few circumstances where women are forced into the poisiton of being in charge; adding to this is the presence of children which only accentuates the responsibility foisted upon thier shoulders; a heavy load indeed. We are not here to get into "no-good" men or fathers who aren't there for their children, except maybe to discuss why SOME men aren't there because of YOU. This is to address the fact that you are single, you are a parent, and you would like to find or have someone in your life. This will discuss obstacles you may face, and how they effect you and your relationship(s); because your relatiosnhip can effect the way you do and see as well as react and interact wth everything else in your life; most importantly it involves your worship and response to GOD's instruction, which in turn effects his reaction to you...

It is essential to not only understand, but to accept that GOD has an arrangement that He installed and complying with that arrangement is the very best way to success. No two ways about it, we all know that GOD does not want women to be in charge. Turn to 1 Timothy 2: 12-15:"I do not permit to teach or have authority over a man..." This was a bible writer writing to the Christian congregation teaching them to learn to do things GOD's way in order to allow and have his spirit and blessing fully and freely flowing among them as a people, and in their personal lives. he was saying:"This is what GOD approves". In today's church this is a really bad problem because you have so many women jockeying for position(s) of prominence in the church either as a means of standing out, to display their level of "anointing"( which it is not), status, or because they feel they are more qualified to runs things in the church; but again at 1 Corinthians 14:34-38 it is abundantly clear how GOD feels:" Let your women remain silent in churches for they are not permitted to speak; but they are to be submissive, as the LAW also says..." Verse 35 says:" it is shameful for women to speak in church..". None-the-less, you have far too many women pastors, "evangelist', prophetess', etc opening their own churches as they feel they are more or better qualified to lead than men. They may say they are anointed, or that GOD "spoke" to them, but they are's just what they feel and want to do. If GOD told them to push ahead after in his own word the bible said for them not yo, then that would make him a liar; and we know that GOD does not lie or contradict himself. Some try to say that well, that was for that time(when it was written), but if that is so they why listen to anything in the bible as it was all written 'back then'...Truth is...

We serve the same GOD today that existed back then and HE has the SAME principles that we are expected to adhere to.

*That side note was for the benefit of women in the church as many are single mothers and regular readers, and those who seek after GOD will always be the focus and priority of Truth Is...

Having the clear understanding of GOD'a arrangement brings us to this: If you plan to, want to, or are in a rrelationship, YOU are going to have to submit in order for it to really work; that man IS going to have some say-so in the rrelationship and expect it. Now a lot of women say that is not the case in their relationship and they don't take any mess from a man; but those same women cant keep men and when they get one, they wonder why he cheats...Truth is...

It is indisputable that being a single mother is a daunting challenge, and I salute those of you who manage through the GRACE of GOD to maintain your household and even obtain varying degrees of comfort through your hard work. I agree with the sentiment that it is very difficult to give ANY degree of authority over to anyone, much less a man in a home that you feel that you worked very hard to adorn and maintain for an extended period of time on your own. Then there is the need to show that you build up what you have in the home and you are the one with the "say-so" as to how things will and will not go there. You don't want your family, friends, neighbors, or children see a man come in an seemingly take over. Well, if his presence in your life is based on your need for sex, keep him OUT of your home. I as a man of GOD cannot condone extramarital relations out of wedlock; but it does happen, and if that is the case, don't have that man in your home where your children have to observe it. If you are serious about that man and your relationship has developed as such that you feel he is the one and you'd like to make a more permanent arrangement, then your children, family and friends will just have to be in acceptance of that and you have no need to impress them as they are not the ones you would wake up next to daily, nor are they the ones that do whatever it is he does that makes you happier. Keep things in proper perspective.

Single mothers also have no beware of having a revolving door to their bedroom. On one hand, you should'nt be having varied men in your bed to begin with; but to so so in the presence of your children is totally wrong. On the other hand, if you do have a man living there, you need to keep your children out of your bedroom! That room is where you and he not only conduct things of a sexual nature, but also the 'haven' as it were, of you and your mate. You most intimate moments should be spent there, be it sex, or simply relaxing together, or talking. Which brings this point:* Do NOT discuss personal matters, including discipline, child-rearing, and other household matters in the presence or within the hearing of your children. These are adult conversations that are none of your children's business and should'nt be shared with them. Especially in the matter of your chgildren's behavior(s), discipline, and how they are raised. Mothers tend to be very lax when it comes to their children; many mothers refuse to accept that their children are as 'bad' as others. They turn a blind eye to things their children do; but just because YOU choose to ignore your children's bad habits, behaviors,attitude, etc. it doesn't mean everyone else has to. Mothers need to stop raising their children according to what they can tolerate within the household, and start teaching them what SOCIETY condones and condemns. Society will not be in denial about your child like you, and the longer and more you are the worse it will be for your child; you are retarding their social development and stunting the growth of their maturity as it pertains to the rest of the world. This comes because single mothers tend to have a "circle the wagons" and "us against the world' outlook on things. This comes from whatever it was that placed you in the position of being a single parent had a profoundly negative impact upon you; allowing it to dictate the rest of your life and how you go through it only makes it worse and eventually it will cause damage to your children's ability to adapt to other people.

It is the inability to adapt to other people that causes children to reject many men that enter their mother's life. They are used to being ale to manipulate their mother's love in the environment in which you raised them, and inserting an 'outsider' dictates that changes be made to this arrangement. That is why children are the biggest obstacle in having a relationship with a single mother; and the main reason many men reject the idea. Here are some thoughtful pointers:

When you have a man (or any adult for that matter) over to your home, each and every child should without being told, speak:( "hello"); this indicates that you have raised your children to have manners as well as respect for adults. Disrespectful children turn many a man away. The problem is, many women are deeply stuck on ""my children come first" , and don't really understand what putting your children first really means. Do they have a roof, clothing and the means of life? Are you teaching them about life and how to interact with others? Are you teaching them to follow GOD's principles? Do you discipline them and not simply threaten to and allow them to continue the behavior(s) you threatened discipline for? If so, then you ARE putting them first. But when it comes to your mate, your children should have absolutely NO say-so what-so-ever! Think about it, if you were with their father, would they have had a choice in he he was? NO. You were with him for whatever reason before they even existed, so they should have no impact on who you are with for that very same reason. This has to be made more than clear to your children when dating a man you consider sharing your life and bed with, along with the fact that any interfering with that process on their part will not be tolerated under any circumstances. Now if your children are raised to respect adults and they do so, if they are taught to do chores, not blast music at all times of the day, and all the other proper behaviors for children, and then there is a problem; then it is time to look at the man and wonder why. But be aware that otherwise, children are going to reject anyone they see as competition for you affection, attention, or who you suddenly start behaving like a parent when you didn't before. Your children are not you friends, they are human beings you are responsible to teach, nurture, and culture before releasing them into society.Proverns 19:18 says "chasten your son(child) while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his destruction". Failing to discilpline as well as teach your children beyond making you happy is destructive to and for them, as well as very selfish on your part.

Arguing with your man in front of your children OR loud enough for them to hear, should not happen either. If you do this you promote a "us against him" situation, and once you do that the line has been drawn between him and your children regardless of you making up with him. You've already created an "us against the world" atmosphere with them, arguing with him, yelling at him, etc around your children now has made him the "enemy". Be mindful too that children, especially teens and 'tweens' eavesdrop, don't tolerate it.

*Every child over the age of 9 should have at least ONE chore that they are required to do daily. This helps them understand they must be responsible and will pay off when they are old enough to have their own homes. If you have teenagers at home, but a sink full of dishes, piles of dirty laundry, unkempt rooms, littered yards, etc.; you are failing as to parenting. STOP coddling your children because nobody else is going to including your new man. Stop making excuses or getting offended when your children's laziness, rudeness, disrespect, etc is mentioned. You should've taught them to be the entire opposite of these things and of you haven't you need to start! If your children have time to play video games for hours on end, talk on the phone, entertain with friends or watch television for hours; they have time to do their chore(s) This is teaching priorities,responsibility;failure to enforce this is why our young focus totally on having fun and become irresponsible adults who under achieve or don't achieve at all.

Money matters are another very big cause of failed relationships. Many women tend to equate a man's income with whether or not he is suitable for a relationship; some feel a man's income determines whether or not he is a man! This is of course totally wrong. But in the case of many single mothers, it is what a man provides her household that dictates how their relationship goes. This puts the onus of her bills at HER house(that part is made clear all to often) the measuring stick he has to cater to. You're talking about a home he CAN'T live in and thus must maintain where he does live as well as cater to her needs. When he does this he may end up losing his own home; are you willing to allow him to move in? All men, even very good men, do not have the income to carry two households and to expect them to is selfish and unrealistic on your part. Too many women are caught-up in the television and movie relationships and tend to live their lives according to that standard instead of a more realistic way of thinking. many ministers(particularly women ministers) teach this same materialistic philosophy; it's easy enough for them, they're already fleecing their congregation for money...Truth is...

Find out if that man and you "click" enough to attempt building a lasting relationship. Realize to that women have far more opportunities than men in these times and there is the possibility of that man needing your help financially too. Look at it this way: If you expect him to be there for you financially, then he should be able to do the same with you! If what you're looking for is simply someone who can help you financially, then what you are doing is prostituting yourself for your financial needs. YOU may not think so, but the truth is the truth...Truth Is...

If a man contributes to your household financially in any degree of significance, let that be an indicator that he cares about you and the rest of the household, and be grateful(no, I'm not talking about $20 here and there).Many women think that because they make more they should have more say-so; but when you read the scriptures quoted above you don't see any mention of that being the case. There are no "except when", "but" and "what-if" exceptions in GOD's word.

Next there is your family and friends: keep them OUT of your personal relationship with your man. Unless he puts his hands on you, DON't go calling your mother, sister(s), or brothers, uncles, friends and children's fathers. You are going to disagree, you are going to argue; your "people" are not going to do or say anything favorable or conducive to making the relationship work. If you feel you need the type of so-called ;'support-system' that caters to your feelings then you really shouldn't bring a man into your life and subject him to your mess and inability to adjust and function outside of your own self and comfort zone.

Do not use your father or brother(s), uncles, grandfather, or friend's husband as a measuring stick either. You are not you mother, aunt, grandmother, etc, that makes those men the men they are, nor are their circumstances the same. Find someone who loves you and is willing to work with you to build something together, even if you feel you have established a lot on your on. You may be able to "do bad all by yourself", but you are by yourself, and really don't want to be. You may thrust out your chin and out of pride say that you are "fine" with being single; but GOD created us to be with a mate, so stop lying to yourself.

I will not tell you that "you need Jesus"; because all the people saying that are full of crap. They don't even teach the essence of what Jesus said and did; they only teach you to yell his name or get you caught-up in all the "blessings" he may give you even though he said those blessings are meant for after his return. What I will tell you is that you need GOD;'s word and to learn what his will is for you and how to conduct yourself in a way that makes him want to bless your relationship and your life. Fortunately, HE also provides resources such as Truth Is...(I'm not the only messenger), who are willing to teach you these things. But as Proverbs 20:5 says:"Counsel in the heart of man is as deep water, but a man(woman) of understanding will draw it out".

Instead of lying to yourself and saying you are "single by choice", be happy and blessed by choice; choose to allow GOD to lead your steps, your relationship, your life.

There will be more installments on this subject of course. Yes, one is forthcoming for the men...Truth is...

Until then I encourage you to pray and then pray anyway(more)...Be-blessed...

Truth Is...


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