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Theiving Cherries

Updated on July 8, 2010

Excerpt from January 1999

 

My amiable, rose-colored world froze into

Undeterminable shades of black and white.

I cannot affirm how much time elapsed while you

Stole the only gift nature designed to be given but once, yet

From my wordless, dumbfounded point of view, time would not budge.

You enjoyed yourself, I know.

I shunned that satisfied smirk you planted on your treacherous lips

And bore testimony to the spiteful sounds of your

Groans of pleasure as they echoed within the silent labyrinth of my weeping soul.

I should have known that pleasure.

It should have been a memorable night with the proper person.

You were not that person and the memories were all amiss.

But you knew that.

You promised me respect.

You designed this.

My mind was not inclined to acknowledge such

Blatant betrayal.

To say you stole my innocence would be a gross

Understatement.

You took me for yourself literally, yes, but

You took me emotionally, too.

My sense of self-worth was eradicated by your

Forceful insertion of your foreign member.

No longer did I see myself as worthy of respect.

You started me down a path of self destruction that

I have spiraled down with amazing speed.

You have moved on, of that I am sure.

You probably do not even consider me or

Remember what you did, but

I cannot forget.

However I can heal.

You would not recognize me anymore,

I have gotten stronger.

Your scars are still there albeit

Time-faded.

You do not cross my mind as often anymore

A victim withers away, bit by bit until there is only a shell left.

A survivor grows a new shell, stronger than the last then

Shows others how to build one.

Never will I go so far as to say you made me stronger

Therefore I appreciate your arrogant deviousness, however

There is a level of peaceful acceptance that I have reached

That allows me to say

“I forgive you.”

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    • profile image

      Pachuca213 

      8 years ago

      Trust me girl...that experience and a few others down the road really did distort my thinking about "sex" and it really screwed me up for a bit. I still have issues to this day. You sound like you have a wonderful hubby to help you..that is great. Again I am sorry for your experience as well. Us women have to stick together..we have alot in common chica!

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Pachuca~I am sorry you went through that, too. Many people, especially men, will likely never understand the emotional aspect women attach to matters of sex or how much losing one's innocence really means to a girl. That first time always has a very long lasting effect on how she views the deed, if not for life, until somebody manages to change it, for better or worse. It must have been more confusing to you as you were in a relationship with him, I was not. He was the roommate of one of my bestfriends and knew beyond any doubt that I was not interested in losing it to him-ever. Time helps but great friends, a fighting spirit, and patient lovers help, too. My husband is a fantastic man and totally dedicated to making sure I never leave the bed confused or wanting, or ever feeling anything but loved. It's crazy to think that I'm still learning so much about the true act of making love after I've had four children and am no longer able to say that I'm in my twenties! Like they say, though, it's never to late to learn! ;)

    • profile image

      Pachuca213 

      8 years ago

      I know how you feel all too well. I wrote a hub about this once. I took it down but maybe I should put it back up. Our innocence is lost but once..and only once. And we can never go back and re do it. My experience is similar my boyfriend took my innocence at the age of 16 and just left me.....leaving me with questions unanswered and feelings of hurt and insecurities and shame. Many years have gone by but I feel time has healed me for the most part. But I will never forget what he put me through and it ultimately changed me forever. Great poem girl..I can totally relate.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Thank you RGNestle~I have read some of your Eyes of Forgotten Innocence and you have done a good job of representing the pain. I do appreciate your empathy as I know other victims do, too. Thank you for doing your best to help spread the word!

    • RGNestle profile image

      RGNestle 

      8 years ago from Seattle

      That was wonderful! It reminds me of some of the poems I wrote for Eyes of Forgotten Innocence. I could never capture the real feeling though, never having experienced the pain, but I have empathy and your prose touched me.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Putz Ballard~Thank you so much for your kindness! I don't always know if I can say that I am strong, but I sure try to be and that helps more than anything. I feel as though I have to share if I am going to find some way of turning this black spot in my past into something beautiful for somebody else.

    • Putz Ballard profile image

      Putz Ballard 

      8 years ago

      an excellent hub written so tastefully. You have great spiritual strength. I admire your courage sharing what is a very personal part of your life. God bless you.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Faybe Bay~Perhaps it is because I've been there that I completely understand exactly what you are trying to say! :) I, too, sometimes wonder if it really was forgivness that I achieved or just a ceasecation (?) of hatred. Either way I have moved on and become strong and successful. I'm glad you have been able to move on, too. It's really a victory hard won!

    • Faybe Bay profile image

      Faye Constantino 

      8 years ago from Florida

      You are right, you are the one that made yourself stronger. I have to say I understand your pain. I think I forgive, but there are times I wonder if I did, really. I know my life is different than it would have been; on another note I would not change the life I have for what might have been. I love my life, even though there are memories better left in the dark past. I wonder if I forgave, or just decided to stop hating him. I guess it's probably the latter, although I am trying to forgive.

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      Thank you Money Glitch. Unfortunately you are right about where the wisdom comes from. If only we could make others see before they wind up in those shoes! We can't though so the best one can do is share and hope it helps someone. Thanks for stopping in!

    • Money Glitch profile image

      Money Glitch 

      8 years ago from Texas

      Wow, powerful words that many should read. Great expression, I love the lines, "A survivor grows a new shell, stronger than the last then shows others how to build one." Such wisdom can only come from someone who has had to endure... Thanks for sharing :)

    • Chaotic Chica profile imageAUTHOR

      Chaotic Chica 

      8 years ago

      :) Thank you carolina, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

    • carolina muscle profile image

      carolina muscle 

      8 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      Oh yes... oh yes... This is the heat.

      I like it!!

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