Things For Stupid Burglars NOT To Do
This is a successful jewel thief
LET ME BEGIN BY SAYING
"I am not condoning burglary or any form of thievery. In fact, I say to you would-be burglars, this is a crime, stealing from innocent people." "This is only a humorous take I am presenting "IF" burglary were an accepted form of work in our society." "Hey, we all need a laugh now and again." Kenneth
Time was, and I am stating that it was many years ago in our country's history, that burglarly and burglars (some) were silently-revered as Robin Hoods, but those days are long gone.
I guess I should be thankful that in 2013, burglars are not as much "laying in wait," for some unassuming slob to come lumbering down the pathway in order to hold him up at gunpoint and take his loot. But I'm not.
Some stand-up comedians are quick to say that the I.R.S. and Internet hackers are today's new burglars. I can understand the Internet hackers, but as for the I.R.S., I am sure that "the" comedians I heard, only used this powerful government agency as a comedy reference point.
Personally, I have nothing against anyone who works for the I.R.S. They have to make a living just like you, the average worker, so let's all take a moment of respect to show the I.R.S. just how much they all mean to us as Americans.
Burglary has many forms. There was once a form of this "dark dimension," of our history known as "cat burglary," and this term is easy to understand. A trained and seasoned burglar who has "cased," or checked-out his house or business, will silently slip-into his target while the occupants are out and before daylight, he has made-off with a good night's "booty" of jewelry, valuable coins, and sometimes collectible items such as guns, model cars and paintings.
In the vain of Robert Wagner who in the late 1960's had a big hit show on ABC Television called, "It Takes a Thief," where his character was commissioned to "break into" enemy agent's homes and headquarters and legally-steal back the top-secret documents that they, the enemy agents, had stolen from the Federal Government.
This was a great show, Bob, if you're reading this story in the confines of your luxurious Hollywood apartment.
Burglary and burglars are not to be confused with armed robbers. Burglars do their work while no one is at home and armed robbers do not care who answers the door or works behind the counter at the local "Quickie Check and Convenience Paradise Store," they are ready to do business with a handgun and with a few quick, dangerous verbal threats, they hit the darkness with a bag full of dough and cigarettes. Sometimes a bottle of two of choice liquor.
This all being said. I mean to tell you that if "you" are one of the ones in our drab economy in 2013 who think that burglarizing a place of residence is a justified way of making ends meet, think again.
Burglary takes nerve. Burglary takes skill. And if you do not possess one of both of these traits, get yourself a job at the local slaughter house or car wash. So what if it's minimum wage? You can sleep good at night.
And for you would-be burglars who idolize Robert Wagner's hit show about stealing, take a good look at the revealing list I am presenting below, and you might come away more educated about being a burglar.
This list is lovingly-entitled, "Things For a Stupid Burglar NOT To Do," and they are meant to help enlighten you about the lawless life you dream about.
NEVER leave a business card anywhere in the home or business when you are finished with your burglarizing. "Burglar For Hire," and giving out your home phone number is pretty much stupid. You will not, I repeat, not, go far if you commit this dumb mistake.
NEVER take your take-out food into the place you are robbing. You might bite off half a french fry and drop the other half on the floor and some up and coming DNA expert who works for the cops will trace it back to you and next thing you know, you will be on TruTV's Dumbest Criminals shows.
NEVER doze-off while taking "from the innocent and keeping for yourself." There are dumb burglars and there are near-insane burglars. Such as the one who is working inside a home and decides to take a break on the huge, comfy bed in the bedroom where the homeower keeps his valuables in a wall safe. Do your sleeping before you try to be a successful burglar. Can you think of anything as stupid as having the local police arrest and photograph you in a bed fast asleep with the safe open? Man, even your court-appointed defense attorney couldn't help you.
NEVER "do a job" without first, buying yourself some rubber gloves. Playtex used to have great plastic gloves. I've been told. By using plastic gloves, you eliminate the chance of having the police trace your sweaty fingerprints you left on the refrigerator door when you were robbing the owner of the local beer distributor. Think. Use rubber gloves. Most successful thieves use them.
NEVER use the telephone in the business or residence you are burglarizing. I mean, do not call your wife and tell her that you will be late because you are on a "new gig." The authorities have ways to trace phone calls made from homes, so avoid the temptation to let your pride cause you to get nabbed.
NEVER team-up with anyone to be your "partner in crime." Hey, fifty-fifty does not work in the economy of 2013. Things are bad, Jack. If you "are" going to be a burglar, be a "one-man show." Having a partner means two things, and both are not good. 1. You will have to share the loot and who whats to do that? and 2. If the partner gets miffed at you for any reason, he can make a deal with the cops for a lighter sentence and "kick you to the curb," for a lenghty jail sentence. Do I make sense?
NEVER start a wild spending-spree immediately after you "score." The owners of the business or home you have just robbed have talked to the police and they are watching local stores, car dealers, and so forth to see whom buys lavish amounts of things with cash. Be wise. Stash the cash in your mattress for a few years. Do not change your lifestyle at all. That way, you will avoid drawing unwanted suspicion.
NEVER get greedy. Greed is the worst enemy of any burglar, not the police. Busted burglars serving time today will tell you that if they had used moderation, they would not be behind bars. Do not fool yourself into believing that you are invincible. Stay humble. And wise. Be a burglar occasionally, not every night and chances are, you might get away with your crimes.
NEVER try to impress your high school or college chums at the annual reunion by answering this question, "so, Nedd, what do you do today for a living?" "oh, I just show-up and 'steal my paycheck,'" what a stupid way to tip-off the cops who are looking for you. Just say, "oh, what I can. I work part-time at the butcher shop hauling off bones," something like that. Your school chums will not care that much about your life and leave you alone to plot your next job.
NEVER keep your "stash" where you life. Are you that dumb? If you are picked up for questioning, your residence is the first place the cops will search for the valuables you stole. I know that I said to "stash your cash" into your mattress in a tip above, but that was only in a metaphorical sense. Not meant to be taken seriously. Keep your valuables in an out-of-state storage rental company. And if you are caught, do not tell the cops where you left the huge amount of cash, jewels and other nice things. Oh, you might have your wife or girlfriend, if she can be trusted, to make sure that the payment on your storage facility is always made on time. Wait a minute. You can't do that. She won't have the money. Okay. Take out about ten year's worth of money, deposit it in the bank and tell the girlfriend of wife to send a check to the address of the storage company every month and above all, do not squeal to the girlfriend or wife what it's for.
NEVER drink huge amounts of liquor. I mean this if you love to get drunk with the guys. This is logical to me because most drunkards who are also burglars, love to brag when they are intoxicated about "their" secret life as a thief. Then when sobriety hits you, it gets serious. What if your drunken pals were to blackmail you? See how getting blitzed can harm you? If you must indulge in drinking, do it moderately and do not get wasted. Or you will spend some "wasted" years in prison.
NEVER leave a "paper trail" where you live of phone numbers, addresses, or anything else that can be used to nab you. A stupid, non-thinking burglar will not need such devices as sticky notes to remember the address of the mansion you have "cased" for several nights. Be smart. And be quiet about what your burglar plans are.
That about does it for the "Things Stupid Burglars NOT To Do," list.
In closing, just let me say that I know most who read my stories are great friends and followers and I wouldn't want a one of them to even think that "I" was sitting here churning-out advice for people to go out and break the law.
No sir. No ma'am.
I have a heart of compassion on the down-trodden of society. Always will. And like my economics teacher, the late Mr. Ruble Shotts, of Hamilton High School, my alma mater, told us as seniors . . . .
"when you graduate from here. Be "the" best at whatever you do. No matter if it's burglary or preaching, be "the" best, because the world is already full of "second-rate" people who do not care about their jobs."
So how did I end up writing stories?