Things Forbidden For You to do Around a Newborn Baby
My early encounter with babies
I don't want to offend anyone here, but newborn babies are little bundles of methodical, shrewd, and calculating little people. Now I love babies, so do not misquote me. But my previous descriptions, I have seen them all face-to-face. And when I "busted" the baby I was supposed to be watching, they never showed any remorse at all from being caught using one of their "tools" to get attention and eventually their way.
Please allow me to share one incidence with you. I was talking to the baby's mother, not really noticing what the baby was doing for when I started my conversation, the baby was nodding and where I come from, that can only one thing: Sleepy.
But not this shrewd baby who could work for the C.I.A. easily. I felt his diaper bag move and that meant that the baby was restless and pilfering for something to hold in his hands to look at to prevent his eyes from going together giving him a much-needed afternoon nap.
Babies have tons of natural talent.
When I gently caught his hand and emptied it of the moisturizing cream for babies, he looked directly at his mom and made "that" face of tragedy, destruction, and doom all at one time. This kid had talent, folks. Before he could get wound-up into a good crying exhibition, his mom took him to his bedroom and within fifteen minutes, baby and mom were both happy.
That story was about one particular baby. This one is about most babies whose parents have chosen to not get a sitter for them and just bring them to the neighborhood party like it was business as usual. I guess to many at the party it was business as usual, but one. Let's say the poor guy is me, a guy who has not had that much experience with babies.
Babies can be tricky. And illusive. They can be forces to be reckoned with. If they have you in their sights, you cannot change it. They know that you are an adult and cannot fight them in a conventional way, so they just keep on making your life miserable, on-edge, and stripping your nerves like grapes from a vine.
These are just a few of the perfect moments you can have with babies if you do not do any of the things in my story . . .
So now please allow me the opportunity to help you, the "Non-Experienced Baby Guys," so that the next time you have to face one of these little "angels," you will not come apart.
Things Forbidden For You to do Around a Newborn Baby
- If you are near the baby and someone cracks a funny joke, you instantly step outside to laugh. Sudden " Haw! Haw's! can disturb and scare the little one and mama will tell you and not in a nice way to "try to act adult" when you are around her baby.
- Some adults years ago used to get right in a baby's face and made funny faces at them so they would relax and laugh. Please do not do this. This baby I am telling you about is "loaded for bear" and has you in his sights, so be cool and leave the making faces to professional clowns.
- When the baby's mom hands him to you to hold, stop that in its tracks. The moment the little baby lands in your hands, he will scream, kick, and cause the neighbors to think that the end of time has come. Tell mom that your hands aren't that clean and to let someone else hold her beautiful baby.
- Eating party foods near the little baby is very foolish. Soon the aroma of your tasty "pigs in a blanket" will infiltrate his little nostrils and he will start squirming and twisting so the man who is holding him, his "uncle Don," will spill his food in the floor, so eat carefully.
- Scout-out the crowd when you enter the location of the party. If you hear talk about the baby having a stomach virus "this" week, head for the hills and make yourself obscure. Let me explain. The baby has done well most of the day, but when you reach for him, up his stomach comes like an impatient volcano and you have no clothes to change into. I would say you could wear the host's, "Dick Lawrence's" clothes, but he is much taller, wider, and only wears three-piece suits and ties.
- If you are holding the baby and he is very peaceful, watch it. He is about to strike. Say that you are talking to a man across the room about a new car you seen last week and suddenly, the baby's little razor-sharp teeth dig into your arm sending you into a new location of pain. Please look at him ever so often. You will be glad I gave you this advice.
- Hold on to the baby no matter what. Even if the people hosting the party has two mischievous boys with B.B. guns who are shooting you at will between the eyes. Darn it! This is ridiculous. And the parents will not stop them for they think this pre-teen gesture is cute. But at least you did not drop the baby.
- This stunt is not only ignorant, but dangerous. Wait until the baby's mom is holding the baby in her lap then you get on all-fours and crawl up to the baby saying, "Woof! Arf! Woof!"
- At any given time of the party, do NOT play "Circus Time" with the baby. This means for you not to hold the baby up with his arms and swing him back and forth while you laugh like a stupid clown and the worst part of Circus Time: you get on all-fours and let the baby ride your back while you bellow like an elephant. Then the baby rolls off of your back and in an instant you are told to go home.
- Before you kiss the little baby, inspect his hands. Babies love to get their hands into jams of all flavors, so unless you want sticky hands for the rest of the night, look at the baby's mitts.
And this one . . .
- Putting the baby into a stroller and running as fast as you can all around the house. Other people will ask you what is going on? Simple. You are doing your Jimmie Johnson #48 Lowe's Chevrolet impression. Now this one . . .the baby loves.