Things I'd Rather Do Than Go Shopping With My Wife
My wife and I enjoy doing things together, which is good because, you know, we're married and all. Be it around the house or out with friends, we mostly enjoy each other's company....yes mostly. Because there's one thing, an activity so gruesome that it makes me yearn for that nice relaxing chair at the dentist's office.
This horrid activity involves roaming around and looking at blouses or pants. Tedious enough, but the stores play dirty, hanging banners announcing "sale prices" to entice victims. Once successfully baited, said victims meander about in a trance-like state buying things they already have, falling prey to such gimmicks as Half off left shoe...with purchase of right! or Pay an extra $5 and take an additional 5% off of $100 or more!!!
If I sound bitter it's most likely due to the fact that recent studies, like the one I made up, have shown that most of these excursions take place during game day. Thankfully she has female friends for this dreadful task. I am very grateful for this, sitting in the department store is a painful experience. Here are a few things I would rather do than suffer through it:
Watch a Lifetime movie - We all know men are evil, but at least I would be at home on the couch.
Fold my wife's clothes. - Seriously, how do women fold these things. The shirts have all these ruffles or buttons, they're too small to fold. Usually if I try to fold her shirt it's in a knot by the time I'm done.
Eat Brussell Sprouts - No, in this case I'm shopping. If in order to sustain life on Earth we had to eat brussell sprouts or give ourselves a shot in the stomach, bring the needle.
Paint - I hate to paint, and I'm not that good at it. Actually, being a sloppy painter has gotten me out of painting duty.
Grade papers - Correcting 2nd grade classwork can get extremely boring, not as boring as the women's clothing section though!
Watch The Exorcist - This movie scares me to death, but so does shopping.
Pull my nose hairs with tweezers - Very painful, but as the tears are streaming down my cheeks I will have the comforts of home to soothe me.
Clean the bathtub - Cleaning hair out of the drain is one of the grossest things I can think of, I'm not really sure why this is on the list...
Mow the lawn - I actually love to mow the lawn so this is a no-brainer. I usually cut the grass every 5 days in the spring and summer, I'm like an old man out there with my transistor radio, black socks and bug spray. Good times.
Watch soccer - I'm usually extremely bored trying to watch a soccer game-match. I got into it somewhat during the World Cup but that's once every 4 years. I know, I know, typical American.
Write thank you cards from our wedding- The sad thing about this one is I think I've been better about this than my wife.
Check my voicemail messages - I never check my voicemail. By the time I get around to it they have piled up and are pointless anyway. If you talk to someone daily, you don't need to leave a voicemail stating you just called to say hello, the missed call says it all.
Fine ways to spend a Saturday, when the alternative is shopping. But if you know what it's like to be in the ladies section, the blaze of perfume tinging the nostrils, not understanding the difference in the last 3 pairs of sandals, then well, yeah, give me that dentist's chair. As studies have shown, three out of four men prefer a good root canal to perusing for new bath towels.