Things That Can Literally Ruin Any First Date
Successful dates are for thinking people
Somewhere not far from reality lies a place where not even the most-heart-broken soul longs to go. The place is not fancy in the least. It barely supports life. Dismal describes and sums up this place, "Hopeless" in one word. It's that bad and levels below common depression.
So who occupies "Hopeless," you ask. Simple. The eager, wide-eyed jerks (hate to say that) who jump for a first-date with who (at the time) seems like he or she is a living miracle. "The" answer on two legs to their lonely life. "Oh, if this person could be bottled, it would haul-in a billion overnight," you sigh while gazing into "this" person's eyes (before) your first date with them.
What I am saying to you is this: "As perfect and pretty as the feeling you have about your "miracle" man or girl, it's a fragile scaffold made of rotted wood," and I am now weeping inside to tell you this for I do not want to make you a robot fueled with doubt without a life, but only to be careful. This one date is without doubt, the most-important few hours or days of your mortal life.
And to prepare you, my new woman/man friend, here is some explosive, shocking information about
Things That Can Literally Ruin Any First Date
This is what you will be singing if your date gets ruined
Dating: a dangerous job
PICKING UP YOUR LOVELY GIRL -- for your first date with her, you thought it a nice gesture to give her some flowers, but a swarm of yelow jackets have built inside the flowers and all of the moving of the bouquet sends them out in an angered-frenzy to sting the pretty girl you want to date. You are in awe. You did not know a human being's face could swell to such proportions.
TO IMPRESS YOUR LADY -- you show-up in a fancy, horse-drawn carriage to pick her up. How romantic. Doing the unusual to capture her heart. You even love each step you take in escorting her to the carriage, but once she nears the carriage, the horse reacts to her perfume and kicks her flat on her backside onto the sidewalk that is wet from an earlier summer shower. The dress that your rented-horse ruined, cost the girl $340.00 plus tax. Do you think this date will continue?
LET'S SAY THAT -- the horse didn't kick your date senseless and you both entered the carriage. As you start the horse to walking, you try to put your right hand around her but before your shirt sleeve gets hung on a ragged place on the top of the carriage seat and rips your shirt up to your shoulder. No. Do not tear it off and tear off your other sleeve to make it look like you meant to do that. Just call the date off and try again when all of the humiliation is over.
OTHER THINGS -- that could happen to the horse:
- It could die suddenly making you look foolish.
- It could go nuts because it's brain has a mysterious growth that vetenerian surgeons said couldn't be removed.
- It runs wildly pulling your date by themselves in the carriage into a street full of traffic.
- Your gentle slap of the reins on his behind scares it into rearing-up on its hind legs and then laying down on the pavement for protection.
THE GIRL YOU ARE ESCORTING -- to the carriage or to your car lets you open the door for her. Then as you get inside the car, she suddenly remembers that she forgot to put on underwear as she was dressing. You offer to escort her back to her apartment, then she tells you off for being a pervert for wanting to watch her dress. This was what dating experts call a "double punch."
WHAT WILL HAPPEN NOW --with the girl:
- She will hang-up each time you call to console her.
- She will tell you off the last time you call her.
- She will need help from a team of therapists.
- If you see her in the grocery store, she starts hurling canned corn at you.
WHEN YOU AND THE LOVELY GIRL -- arrive at the nice restaurant to dine, a monsterous-thunderstorm pops-up and it's raining like you have never seen. But you were an Eagle Scout. You know about "Always Being Prepared," so you reach into the backseat and get your "lucky" New York Mets umbrella that you won in a radio contest. You put the umbrealla over your date and yourself and start toward the restaurant. Then you fall on your face in a big mud puddle as if someone has tripped you. Frightened, your date lends you her hand and your pulling on her hand brings her into the mudhole with you. Now a lot of restaurant patrons are walking by laughing at you two. No, there will be no need of taking your date any further. Or calling her ever again.
IF THE THUNDERSTORM DOESN'T APPEAR --- you and this lovely girl walk hand-in-hand toward the restaurant entrance. Upon confirming dinner reservations that you made, you grasp her again once more and head toward the table, but then, she breaks one of her high heels and stumbles toward you, but you cannot catch her. She lands on the floor to the amazment of other customers. Now remember. She is in a pretty dress and it is how up around her behind and you, out of fear that she is hurt, can only stand and watch people point at her and laugh.
OTHER OBSCURE THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN:
- You cannot remember her name not just once, but all night long.
- She says something funny and your laughing sends saliva shooting right into her eyes.
- When toasting, your nerves cause you to break both glasses and spilling champagne on her.
- You order too much and forget that you only have $40-dollars in the bank. Man, is she ever embarrassed.
IF ALL OF THESE THINGS DO NOT HAPPEN -- and she is regaling you of stories about this couple she knows well who are accident-prone and have had so many comical times. When a lull comes to the conversation, you foolishly-blurt out, "Man, those people are surely fools!" You once-angelic date's face turns from a radiating beam of joy to a red-toned beam of hatred. She is so angry that her filthy words that are aimed at you are not understandable. She storms out. You are stuck with a $300-dollar restaurant check, plus a 35% gratuity.
The train to "Hopeless" leaves at 9 p.m