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12 Things Guys Shouldn't Text to the Woman They Love

Updated on November 30, 2019
lambservant profile image

Lori values relationships and is always seeking ways to improve communication skills.

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Texting Through Romantic Relationships

It's true, we are obsessed with our phones. It used to be we talked on phones, but now they are instruments of impersonal communication via texting. It's sad that relationships hang on this type of interaction. Today I present some advice to you guys about what not to text to the woman you love. In general, women tend to be more sensitive about the following issues; and in general, men tend not to be concerned with some of them. These are not blanket statements because of course there are plenty of exceptions.

The best relationships come from direct, face to face, voice to voice communication. It's called talking, being together. You can't hold hands through your device. If you and your honey are texters, whether dating, courting, or married, don't step on these texting minefields.

1. Birthday and Anniversary Greetings

If your gal (or anyone else for that matter) is having a birthday, sending her a text with a simple Happy Birthday is so impersonal you might as well be sending it to your accountant or mailman. Even worse is Happy Anniversary. She is going to have hurt feelings and probably give you a piece of her mind. Is it too much to ask to take time out of your busy life to buy a card? Or to express yourself in a way that reaches her preferred love language? There are some very romantic men out there who are good at such things, and plenty who are clueless or clumsy with it. Regardless, texting those sentiments are tacky.

2. Declaring Your First "I Love You"

Saying 'I love you' for the first time is a huge deal. Sending it in a text is just wrong, lazy, hollow, and inconsiderate. She wants to see the light of tenderness in your eyes and you should want to look into hers. If you think that's unnecessary, your love is questionable. True love does not hide behind a screen.

3. Marriage Proposals

"Will you marry me?" If you know what's good for you, and more importantly, what's good for your girlfriend, and your relationship, don't pop this question in a text. You are sure to get a "no" and an ear full of rebukes. Besides, why would you not prefer to look into her eyes, and slip that ring on her finger in person? You may think, Well I can do that the next time I see her. But it is not likely you'll see her again if you pull that little stunt. Texting is impersonal. If you can't propose in person, you are not ready for marriage.

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4. Arguments

Your girlfriend may want to argue with you as much as you do her in text form, but it's a minefield fraught with danger. Why?

First, because when you are not together face to face you can't hear the tone of voice, see the facial expression, or see their body language; thus it is easy for you both to misunderstand each other.

Secondly, it's easier to say unkind things that you wouldn't say in person. Your inhibitions are freer; Hiding behind your phone screen and issuing harsh words is cowardly.

Thirdly, text arguing involves a lot of time. You may take short cuts in the exchange because you tire out and won't be thorough in your thoughts.

5. Breaking Up

Texting a break up is the best example of cowardice I can think of. When you want to break up your relationship (this applies to her too), it's tempting to be calloused and not care how it affects her if there has been bitter discord between you. But this is about being a mature adult. Doing the hard things in life shows strength and character. Lowering the boom on someone with no personal interaction is going to make it easier for you but harder for her. If the relationship has been full of toxicity on one or both sides and will trigger a lot of hurtful drama, a text may be the answer after all but write it at a time when you are calm and can carefully construct it.

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The interesting thing about text is that, as a medium, it separates you from the person you are speaking with, so you can act differently from how you would in person or even on the phone.”

— Aziz Ansari, Modern Romance

6. Giving Bad News

Perhaps you hear that her best friend was in an accident and died. Should you text her the news? Heavens no! Bad news to the one you love requires you to be there to comfort them with your warm embrace and words of solace. Give her the news in person. Here are some examples of bad news not to give on a text:

  • Death of a loved one
  • A serious health diagnosis
  • Loss of your job
  • A serious accident
  • A crime committed by someone you both know or being a victim
  • Anything that would be a gross disappointment or tragedy

You can surely think of more.

Don't text bad news.
Don't text bad news. | Source

7. Apologies

Gutless! Text apologies are once again, impersonal. It says you are not courageous or respectful enough to face her in humility. It may feel safer and easier for you, but it may cause her to doubt your sincerity. Not only that, but it robs you both of a chance to have a real heart to heart, to talk things out and clear up any misunderstandings. You can't kiss or hug and make up through an electronic device.

8. Sexting

I don't know many people do this. In fact, none that I'm aware of, but few people share that kind of information. Aside from the immorality of it, and not honoring your and your lady's body, you also run the risk of it getting into the wrong hands and a big, humiliating mess for both of you. People drop or forget their phones in public places; in someone else's home; in a place where children or teenagers can get to it.

This would include nude photos. Requesting her to send such photos is degrading her and if it gets into the wrong hands there could be dire consequences. It's the same if you send her photos of yourself. Respect and honor her and your relationship.

9. Texting and Online Activity While You Are With Her

It is downright rude and boorish to text while with someone. It's likely the one you love is doing the same thing because that is 21st-century life (that doesn't make it right or healthy). How can you enjoy one another's company if your texting others, scrolling social media, or checking the football scores? How can you get to know each other better if you're on your phone? How do you sustain a relationship if you talk very little? How can you express your interest and love for one another while ignoring each other?

Make changes and encourage your love to put away her phone so you can enjoy each other. Today, many romantic relationships consist of texting and sex. This is shallow, dishonorable, and robbing you both of the delights of a true love relationship.

Don't text when you're together.
Don't text when you're together. | Source

10. Gloating About How Much Fun You're Having Without Her

It's not wrong for either of you to be with friends while the other is not there. In fact, it's healthy. If you like to go to the gym with a friend to work out, or she likes to go shopping with her friend, there is nothing wrong with that. But there are times when your time with friends can make her feel left out and that you enjoy the company of others more than her. Gloating through texts about the fun you're having without her, especially multiple times in a time frame (including photos) is hurtful. Here are some scenarios that would apply:

  1. Going to parties and family events without her.
  2. The habit of spending and demanding more time with the guys.
  3. Telling her outright you prefer the company of others more than her.
  4. Trying to make her jealous by talking about the other women (or taking photos) in your company.
  5. Accusing her of trying to spoil your fun.

Attitude and intentions are the defining factors. Are you deliberately cutting her out because you find your friends' company more fun? Are you mad at her and want to get back at her? Do you demand your right to go wherever you want with whomever you want, whenever you want and indicate she is unwelcome? Do you enjoy texting her these things? If so, you will lose her eventually and rightly so.

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11. Jealous Accusations

Unjustified jealous texts can be made by both men and women, but this article is for men. If your girlfriend or wife is out shopping or having lunch with girlfriends, working extra hours, don't spoil her day by texting her your suspicions she is cheating or flirting; it will damage your relationship. If she's never given you a concrete reason to believe she's been unfaithful then it is your insecurity you need to address.

12. Cancelling Last Minute

Emergencies and urgent matters crop up from time to time and we have to cancel something at the last minute. Happens to everyone from time to time. Calling to cancel is best but texting suffices.

The wimp-out is when you've canceled in a text after she's been waiting and ready to go and do it flippantly with no real reason, or you tell her you decided to do something else instead. Boo! Not nice.

Two Set of Keys

You may have caught onto the keywords reflecting the attitude and the heart of the person who sends the kind of texts listed above.

  • Insensitive
  • Cowardly
  • Impersonal
  • Shallow
  • Lazy
  • Hollow
  • Rude
  • Boorish
  • Inconsiderate
  • Hiding
  • Hurt feelings
  • Degrading
  • Dire consequences
  • Risk
  • Humiliation
  • Danger
  • Immoral
  • Robbing
  • Dishonorable
  • Jealousy
  • Demanding
  • Criticism
  • Wimp-out

It's never too late to learn and apply better communication skills. Here is a list of things guys should incorporate into their texts:

  • Honor
  • Love
  • Respect
  • Affirmation
  • Value
  • Humility
  • Delight
  • Personal
  • Tenderness
  • Touch
  • Personal
  • Comfort
  • Voice
  • Body language
  • Embrace
  • Face to face
  • Being a Man

Hopefully, the message here is loud and clear. Shun the negatives and embrace the positives and you will only gain more blessings in your relationship and develop integrity and a kind and sensitive heart.

What’s not so great is that all this technology is destroying our social skills. Not only have we given up on writing letters to each other, we barely even talk to each other. People have become so accustomed to texting that they’re actually startled when the phone rings. It’s like we suddenly all have Batphones. If it rings, there must be danger.

— Ellen DeGeneres, Seriously, I'm Kidding

One helpful tool is to put yourself in her place. Ask yourself how you would feel if she did the same things. I know some men would take no offense at a text "Happy Anniversary," or hearing the first "I love you," but would be hurt by some of the other things on the list. True love wants and gives the very best.

© 2019 Lori Colbo

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    • techygran profile image

      Cynthia 

      3 days ago from Vancouver Island, Canada

      Splendid! You covered everything i could imagine a rather clueless and socially awkward man might consider as a legitimately adequate means of communication. We need to get this out there!

    • MsDora profile image

      Dora Weithers 

      5 days ago from The Caribbean

      Really good advice, Lori. Some messages (even "I love you) can be easily misconstrued by texting, depending on the mood of the recipient. Thanks especially for the list under "Two Sets of Keys." Very helpful.

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      6 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      I know, Bill. They are laughably sad. I like your new profile pic. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving.

    • lifegate profile image

      William Kovacic 

      6 days ago from Pleasant Gap, PA

      These are so ridiculous, Lori. My first reaction was to laugh, but then again, it's so sad this stuff actually happens. But I do think you nailed it for what it is - cheap! (Oh, that's only my opinion). Nice job, my friend.

    • DDE profile image

      Devika Primić 

      9 days ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

      Every point made here is valuable and shouldn't be used in those moments. I do not approve of breaking up through text and everything else in concerns of a relationship. Happy Thanksgiving to you.

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      9 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      Oh Heather, so sorry to hear about that. You are indeed better off without him, but I'm sure it hurts still. Hope 2020 is a better year for you.

    • heather92383 profile image

      heather92383 

      10 days ago from Mt. Laurel, NJ

      Great read, Lori. I have actually had that happen to me. I had a recent break-up that started with a text message from him. It came out of nowhere, but it showcased his true level of immaturity, especially when I called him on it. Oh well, I'm better off in the end, but just wish he showed a little more tact.

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      10 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      Shannon, the women's one will have similarities but also different ones. Thanks for stopping by

    • nikkikhan10 profile image

      Nikki Khan 

      10 days ago from London

      Thanks, Lori. Wish you a Happy Blessed Thanksgiving also.

    • shanmarie profile image

      Shannon Henry 

      10 days ago from Texas

      Interesting article. Sometimes texting is a last resort, but I wholeheartedly agree that breaking up with someone should be done in person. Cowardly, cruel, heartless. ..those keywords certainly apply. You said you're working on one for females? I hope I catch that one when it publishes because I can't think of anything I'd say applies here that wouldn't apply to a woman or vice versa, except maybe the marriage proposal. Not off the top of my head, anyway.

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      10 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      Happy Thanksgiving to you as well, Bill.

    • Carb Diva profile image

      Linda Lum 

      10 days ago from Washington State, USA

      Wow, and is it any wonder that there are so many unhappy people? Everything you've listed here is spot-on, but I think it applied not just to people in a relationship, but everyone. Don't text when you're with someone and don't use texting (or Twitter?) for the important stuff. Yes, I'll send my hubby a text if I want him to pick up a quart of milk on the way home, but that's about it. Look people in the eye for goodness sake and have a REAL conversation.

    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 

      11 days ago from Olympia, WA

      A quick stop to wish you a very Happy and Blessed Thanksgiving!

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      11 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      Eric, I find people around our age are much less obsessed with their phones. I forget my phone at home all the time.

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      11 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      Pamela, thanks for your words of affirmation.

    • Ericdierker profile image

      Eric Dierker 

      11 days ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

      Wonderfully done. We spent hours together for a few days, 5-8 of us. I did not see someone text once.Heck, I left my phone at home for our 3 hour dinner out. My wife and I leave handwritten notes for each other and text things like "home safe". And like you say, there are exceptions.

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 

      11 days ago from Sunny Florida

      Lori, I liked the adjectives you used to describe these poor ways to communicate. I think your advice is sound and I know people depend on texting way too much. Any important message should be delivered in person for sure. Very good article, Lori.

      Happy Thanksgiving!

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      11 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      Nikki, I'm glad you have a romantic husband. Happy Thanksgiving.

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      11 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      Oh JC, you are so funny. Don't worry, I'm following up with a word to the woman. I know a lot of young women, girls really, who have unhealthy emotional communication habits. Frankly, in a general sense, they can be much worse then men. I don't care what the politically correct ideology is, men and women are different in many ways. But there are universal similarities as well. Happy Thanksgiving.

    • lambservant profile imageAUTHOR

      Lori Colbo 

      11 days ago from Pacific Northwest

      Thanks for stopping by and leaving your thoughts, Rosella.

    • JC Scull profile image

      JC Scull 

      11 days ago from Gainesville, Florida

      Hello Lori....Are guys the only ones who use texting in insensitive ways? I think women are just as guilty of using the smart phone as a way of putting distance between themselves and the people they would rather not face at that moment. In any case, interesting article. You managed to deconstruct some social behaviors that have unfortunately become norms in our high tech society. I guess we'll be making similar complaints when holograms become commonly used as a form of communication. "Don't send me a hologram of yourself!!! Teleport yourself here, and tell me to my face!!!"

    • nikkikhan10 profile image

      Nikki Khan 

      11 days ago from London

      Haha, exactly. Never text, just say it. My husband says all looking into my eyes, isn't it tremendous.

      But he always makes fun of me saying he don't remember my birth date but then he eventually says it on the day. Quite romantic.

      There are so many things, he does. And I love all those about him.

      Thanks for your outstanding tips dear!

    • Roselle Dala Cagaitan profile image

      Roselle Dala Cagaitan 

      11 days ago

      a gaggle of dating, love, and relationship experts how to tell if your partner has unhealthy jealousy,

    • Roselle Dala Cagaitan profile image

      Roselle Dala Cagaitan 

      11 days ago

      Love is Blind

      Love is powerful

      Love is aged dosen't matter

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