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- Separation & Divorce
This Is My Time
One of the first photos after realizing I was happy with me.
Learning to set boundaries, will make one feel more free than what is realized.
Every so often a song comes along that perfectly describes what you are going through or have been going through, and you think that the artist must be in your head somehow. About six months ago I discovered one such song. This particular song, hit me like no other has in a very long time. The refrain, each verse, every word spoke to me, described every feeling I was having. This song has been out for a few years, but I happened to come across it at a time when it was most appropriate. So appropriate and perfect that it had to of been more than just a coincidence.
Although my divorce had been final for a year and a half, I still had not been able to begin to move on, because my ex-husband would not respect me when I said he needed to stay away. As much as I would like to place blame on my ex-husband for this, I can’t. I have to take at least half the blame if not a little bit more, for not setting the proper boundaries after the divorce was final. I think this is because setting boundaries is not exactly my forte. But it wasn't just with my ex-husband I was having this problem. I hadn't set boundaries with a couple of friends and as is human nature, they saw an opportunity to just take something freely and then once they had drained me on several levels, they left and moved on with their lives, leaving me behind to wonder what had happened and why had they done this if I was supposedly such a good friend. It all came down to the fact that I did not set boundaries with people.
The video to the song that spoke to the very heart of me.
The breakdown of the song Brand new me and how it fits into my life.
The song I’m talking about is called “Brand New Me” sung by Alicia Keys and written by Emeli Sande and Alicia J. Augello-Cook.
It's been a while, I'm not who I was before
You look surprised, your words don't burn me anymore
Been meaning to tell you, but I guess it's clear to see
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
Can't be bad, I found a brand new kind of free
This first verse is so appropriate now, because my ex-husband is legally not allowed to contact me unless it’s about the children, and I have been able to heal and grow. His cruel words have no power over me any longer. I don’t allow anyone to talk to me in a disrespectful manner any more. I have people commenting all the time there is something different about you, you seem calmer, more at ease. It’s amazing what happens when the cage is opened and someone is allowed to fly free.
Each verse speaks to the heart of me and says exactly what I would love to say if I were articulate enough to put the words to song.
Careful with your ego, he's the one that we should blame
Had to grab my heart back
God knows something had to change
I thought that you'd be happy
I found the one thing I need, why you mad
It's just the brand new kind of me
I had to grab my heart back from those who thought they had it, and their egos thought they could just do whatever they wanted without my saying anything. They have now found that I did grab my heart back but they couldn’t believe that I would shut them out, and they got mad when I stood up for myself, because it was against them, and they are no longer a part of my life and that is apparently how it is supposed to be.
We all need to encourage and uplift ourselves as we encourage and uplift others.
A long road and a lot of unknown courage
It took a long long time to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, don't be surprised
If I talk a little louder
If I speak up when you're wrong
If I walk a little taller
I've been under you too long
If you noticed that I'm different
Don't take it personally
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of me
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of free
It has taken me a long time to get to the place where I am, where I will still be kind to people, but will also say something if my being kind feels like it’s not appreciated, reciprocated and just plain one sided. It took more courage than I thought I had to acknowledge that it’s okay for me to say no. It’s okay to be angry, and that I don’t have to please everyone. I am a little louder now, I will speak up when I feel that someone is wrong now. I don’t allow myself to be the same doormat I used to be. I was under my ex-husband for so long, that I forgot who I was. It took my sister loving me enough to tell me she didn’t know who I was anymore, she didn’t see her sister anymore. I can hold my head up again and walk tall with pride knowing that I am strong, that I am a force to be reckoned with, and it’s not a bad thing.
Too many lies and excuses creates doubt everywhere.
Oh, it took a long long road to get here
It took a brave brave girl to try
I've taken one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don't be surprised, oh see you look surprised
The road has been long, and it took bravery beyond what I thought I had to first file that protective order, to get a lawyer, to grab my life back from someone who had used excuse after excuse so often, that I made excuse after excuse. But there were lies mixed in with those excuses, and I ignored them all. I had stopped believing in everyone and everything, including myself, because of all the lies, excuses and reasons for this, that and the other. But I’ve made it back to me, and some are very surprised when I do speak up and call them out on the stories they are telling.
Uplifting others has the benefit of giving yourself a feeling of joy
We all go through things and change, sometimes all someone needs is someone to say "Hey I see you"
Hey, if you were a friend, you want to get know me again
If you were worth the while
You'd be happy to see me smile
I'm not expecting sorry
I'm too busy finding myself
I got this
I found me, I found me, yeah
I don't need your opinion
I'm not waiting for your ok
I'll never be perfect, but at least now I'm brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Those that knew me before are welcome to get to know me again, they will find me more relaxed, able to smile, able to laugh again. I don’t constantly dwell in the shadows anymore.
I don’t expect anyone to say or do anything, because right now, I am finding myself, I’m not looking for a partner in this life, because right now the only partner I need is within me. I’ve learned that I like me, I’ve learned to love myself. I’m a good woman, I’m a good friend, and I’m a good mother. I’m not selfish or immature, like some have made me out to be. I’ve just been someone who was lost, and I have found myself again. As in this song, I’m not looking for anyone’s permission, I’m not looking for approval. I don’t need it, because I have my approval, I have my own permission to be who I am. Again as in the song, I know I’m not perfect, but I’m freer than I have been in a very long time, I can breathe again in the light, but most important of all, I know I have the courage it takes to do what needs to be done in my own time, on my own terms.
Girl on Fire also sung by Alicia Keys, has a similar message to Brand New Me. It's about women who are empowered.
Changes are not bad, and there's no reason for anyone to be mad when another grows and is happy with themselves.
Don't be mad, it's just the brand new kind of free.
That ain't bad, I found a brand new kind of me.
Don't be mad, it's a brand new time for me, yeah
I know there are those that are going to be mad at the new freedom I’ve found, I know there are those who aren’t going to like the new me, but if they knew me before and truly cared about me then they won’t be mad, and will love who I have become and who I am becoming.
We may not be someone's first choice, but we need to know that no matter what we are a great choice for someone.
I'm not perfect, but I'm brave and I'm strong and I am happy with me.
I’m now able to articulate when someone isn’t treating me as I feel I deserve to be treated. I was forced to stay on my knees, not just by my ex-husband, but by those that called themselves friends, for so long, that now I’m standing on my own two feet, I’m not allowing anyone to knock me back down to my knees again. Like the song says, it’s just a brand new kind of me, a brand new time for me.