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- Advice & Tips for Women in Relationships
Three Red Flags: Sentences Guys Use That Equal Trouble
You’ve met a new guy. He’s charming and good looking. Sparks are flying. Cupid is zinging arrows at your heart and you wonder if maybe you've finally met "The One." But soon into your first conversation this man who makes your heart flutter, says at least one of the three dreaded sentences no sane man should ever say to any self-respecting woman. Keep reading to find out what these sentences are and why these particular words nearly always spell trouble---with a capital T.
Statement #1) "Relationships Should Be 50/50"
Since when and in what universe is 50/50 even possible? Nevertheless, on the surface, the 50/50 statement sounds positive enough. After all, fairness is a good thing---Right? Well...sure, but in most cases, the man who uses these words is not really all that interested in what is fair for you as much as what is fair for him. In short, the phrase is misleading.
In reality, 50/50 guy is indicating that if you scratch his back, he’ll scratch yours. In other words, he wants the relationship to be sort of like a business arrangement. The most significant clause within the arrangement is that he is in no way required to treat you with the loving kindness, nor the respect he expects from you, unless or maybe if you first do this or do that for him---and that's a very big maybe.
Let's pause for a minute. Does this "agreement" sound like manipulation to you? It should. For example, let's say 50/50 guy called to speak with you, but you happened to be in the middle of a meeting with your boss at work. Consequently, you allowed the call to go through to your voicemail. 50/50 man is going to count that as a strike against you. Never mind that you don't like taking personal calls at work or that picking up the telephone when you are in a meeting is out of the question, in the first place. None of that matters to percentage guy. You didn't answer his call. According to him, you were being unfair and you will be required to make it up to him. In short, he uses emotional blackmail to make you pay for the discomfort he experienced due to your negligence.
Yes indeed, you can always count on 50/50 guy to keep a tally of how often you have done things to please him. This scrutiny is exhausting for any woman who just wants to date a normal person. Mostly, 50/50 guys' obsession has to do with maintaining control. He doesn't want to get "screwed over" again like he did with the last allegedly "unfair" woman.
As you may have guessed by now, physical comfort is also high on 50/50's list of needs. You are required to have the same level of enthusiasm about sexual matters as he does----and at the same time. Never mind that the woman has valid feelings about how a man should treat her so that she might have sexual feelings toward him in the first place. No, I'm afraid that "selfish" attitude of hers won't do for 50/50 guy.
"Most everyone has had to contend with control freaks. These are people who insist on having their way...they have a driving need to run the show and call the shots. Lurking within the conversation is the clear threat that if you do not accede to their needs and demands, they will be unhappy."
~Thomas J. Schumacher, Psy.D., R-CSW
You get the picture. Somewhere in his past, percentage guy came to believe he was "used" by a woman and he never wants that to happen again. So from now on, everything has to be 50/50. Otherwise, he believes she isn't playing fair. In truth, percentage man has a lot of emotional baggage. It's a heavy burden, to be sure---all that counting and weighing. But what is a wronged man to do, besides tally up the score sheet?
Actually, 50/50 guy hasn't dealt with his insecurity or rejection issues; consequently, your feelings are secondary to his. He is problematic precisely because he is very difficult, if not impossible to please. Nobody will ever meet his unrealistic demand for "fairness."
Real life couples who are successful in their relationships understand that sometimes one of them may needs the other to step-up and take care of things around the house or elsewhere. Maybe she twisted her ankle and he has to give the kids a bath, even though it's not his turn. Maybe he was deeply humiliated by a colleague in the workplace and he really needs to go into his man-cave to brood for an hour or two. In other words, real life can get a rather lopsided at times. That's okay. That's where the other person lifts up the one who is down, and/or takes care of matters the other one usually attends to.
But 50/50 guy can't abide such realities. He does not understand extenuating circumstances unless they pertain to him. There must be an equitable division of duties at all times. Furthermore, the woman should not even see anything as a duty, especially if it makes him feel happier. The only hope for percentage guy is that enough women leave him and let him know why. Maybe one day, he will have an epiphany, but it isn't likely. You have one choice to make if you run into a 50/50 man----that is the choice to keep on walking. Otherwise, you are rewarding his narcissism. That's not a good decision. Believe me.
Statement #2: “I Don’t Like Drama.”
Last I heard, unless you’re as dead as a doorknob, you’re going to experience drama. Life is never neat and tidy. Life can be messy. Drama exists. Sometimes a little drama is a good thing. Unexpected drama can take us out of our comfort zones and even help us to grow, emotionally and spiritually.
Let's face it, absolutely everyone on the face of the earth has unique passions, perspectives, varying moods AND dramatic feelings. Even the most balanced and peaceful person in the world experiences drama. For example, rumor has it that His Holiness, the Dalai Lama, gets a little moody if his staff fails to deliver his chocolates to him before bedtime. If the world's most peaceful man exhibits drama, what hope is there for the rest of us mere mortals?
“Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you”
~Greg Brendhart, Author of "He's Just Not That Into You."
But never mind kindly monks. We're talking here about the type of man who cannot and will not deal with a flesh and blood woman who exhibits "too much" emotion. He views emotion as "bad." He wants someone who is as unquestioning and loyal as his dog—the one who died, who never gave him any grief, and who was his “best friend.” In essence, he wants a mistress who won't say "Boo," even if he chooses to exhibit drama---which he most certainly will. For whatever strange reason, this personality type is convinced that his philosophy is quite reasonable and even "evolved." No-drama guy will probably die alone, unless of course, he finds a female doormat who is willing to "play nice" and never complain.
Ladies, you never want to be that woman.
Have you ever dated any of these troublesome guys or women? (It works both ways, after all.)
Relationships are complicated and that's okay. Truth is.....a little drama is downright normal. On the other hand, if you are into being a Drama-queen, nobody is going to make any excuses for you. And to be fair, some men who say they don't like drama are actually saying they don't like hysterical, high maintenance woman. I don't blame them.
But in most cases, No-Drama guy is a jerk who lacks inner peace. The moment he discovers you are a woman who is willing to stand her ground, he'll be "outta there" and he won’t look back. Walking away is easy for him. It's true. Something is broken inside of this man and it's not your job to fix him. You cannot. Your only duty is to walk away before he does. No-Drama guy will continuously hurt your feelings; he expends a lot of energy protecting himself, which means he doesn't have the energy to recognize your needs. If you are wise, you'll avoid him like the plague. Don't engage with him in any way. He's double-trouble. I'm serious.
Missouri psychologist, Dory Hollander, Ph.D., author of 101 Lies Men Tell Women---And Why Women Believe Them, states that the phrase, "I'll Call You" is her number one nomination for the lies men tell.
Statement #3: “I’ll Call You”
The "I'll call you" statement is more of a troublesome lie.....that is, if you choose to believe it. Men often say "I'll call you" after a date they have no interest in repeating. In all honesty, "Call You" guy is simply taking the easy way out---so as to avoid any drama. (There's that word again!) But the trouble with saying “I’ll call you” is that it gives a woman false hope. Consequently, she remains on the alert for a phone message, a text, an email, smoke signals...pretty much anything.
But the call never comes or it may possibly come three weeks later when he is bored and has nothing better to do on a Wednesday night at 10 pm. If a man says he will call, just know that he probably won't call. Therefore, if in doubt, you can always respond with, "Have a nice evening." If he really hadn't planned on calling you, your nonchalant response will get his attention. He now realizes that you know what he is really saying may be insincere and that waiting around for his phone call probably isn't part of your agenda. Funny as it seems, he might even gain a bit of new found respect for you once you respond in this manner.
On the other hand, a relatively savvy man, who really does want to know more about you, will instead say something like, "May I call you?" In any event, it is a given that he will call if he wants to call. If he doesn't want to call, he won't. Simple. So in actuality, no words need be said about calling unless you already have an established relationship, in which case, being specific about messaging one another could be useful information.
Just know that if he doesn’t call, he just wasn't all that "into you." Eventually, you'll meet someone else who is interested and who will be only to happy to call. The moral of this story is that if a man makes the “I’ll call you” pronouncement after a first date, just understand that "I'll call you" usually means "I will not call you." That way you can get on with your life rather than wasting precious minutes waiting for a call that may never come.
"50/50" guy sounds "fair," but the man who insist on equal everything is not reasonable. He is keeping track and keeping count. He’s a kill-joy who has control issues, and you will find it increasingly difficult to relax around him.
"No-drama" guy seems reasonable---at first glance. But the minute you "get out of line," he'll use a passive-aggressive technique to put you in your place.
"’ll call you” guy might call or he might not---but don't hold your breath. He's avoiding drama by not telling you he's not particularly interested in you. Worse yet, he keeps you hanging in case he gets lonely and needs a little company one night down the road.
In any event, we just need to beware that the meaning behind certain phrases is not always what they appear. In short, these sentences do not generally signify caring and respect. You will never be happy or relaxed around any man (or woman) who insists on having things go their way all of the time. Such people are not always as sincere as they seem. Don't make excuses for them.
So, in the future, if you hear any of these three sentences spoken or see them written on a dating profile, consider yourself forewarned. Such phrases, in tandem with other clues he (or she) may offer, are your cue to put considerable distance between yourself and the person who said them. After all, you deserve better, and there is no point in welcoming trouble.