To Truly Escape Abuse
When You Escape
Taking your body out of the clutches of the abuser is the first step. But only the first. For there is more one needs to do to truly escape and survive.
One must deal with Abuse as one would with PTSD. For that is what it is.
During the relationship the Victim adopts coping mechanisms, deceptions methods of survival.
When the Victim escapes that relationship s/he is not the same person who entered.
Getting back to a complete independent individual takes time, and also analysis.
By Analysis I mean going over every segment of the relationship to understand how and why.
To examine it from every side, to comprehend how the Abuser did this, how you felt, what lies you fed yourself, how you developed survival strategies.
How you reached the point that you recognised yourself as a victim and escaped.
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
To enter a relationship with one you thought a soul mate; whose virtues could fill a book, then to live with a monster, is at the least, distressing.
To be subjected to various forms of abuse, from the mind games to the humiliations, to the beatings, does leave you with PTSD.
To truly face the demons, you have to sit down and look at the relationship until you have those 'Aha!' moments.
Many Victims can't bear to think of what happened. They try to block the thoughts, the memories out of their mind.
They believe they just can't relive those horrible moments.
This is why many Victims stay victims, going from one Abusive relationship to another.
At some point, in a safe and quiet place, have a retrospective. Start from the meeting.
Look at it as a television program.
Did the Abuser suddenly appear in your life? Were you swept off your feet? were you the focus above and beyond?
Do you notice something peculiar about all this?
Think about it, envision it, look at a blank screen, and see it. You will realise that it isn't logical.
Don't say, 'love isn't logical'.... that is not applicable.
Realise the first part of the relationship was created to throw you off guard. That behaviour was to confuse you, overwhelm you, make you believe this stranger could love you so deeply yet, not know you.
Repeat that if you need to.
A person who doesn't know you could plunge into a relationship with you?
Keep watching the blank screen, focus on how the relationship unfolded. Catch the key words, the actions.
He didn't start to abuse you when he punched you, he had been abusing you from the day he made you cry; how close to the wedding was that action?
Two weeks in?
Emotional Abuse is where it begins.
See how easily he was able to hurt your feelings. Try to capture the thoughts in your mind at that point.
Did you feel less? Did you go from that magnificent person he couldn't live without to a nothing?
Go through it incident by incident, focusing on how he made you feel. And how you adjusted to that feeling. See your confidence chipped away until it was gone.
Notice how he got rid of your friends and family, how he behaved as if he was so much more intelligent than you are.
Notice how he controlled your feelings; how you hadn't wanted to go to that function but he forced you, or how he prevented you from going where you wanted.
Look at his actions, look at how you felt. Why you complied.
You will probably reach the point where if you wanted to eat Italian you said Chinese, or if you wanted to stay home suggested going out.
Take your time, get the insights. See how he did it. How you twisted yourself to fit into his pattern.
This reflection will give you the power to comprehend how and why and enough ammunition to prevent it happening again.
For this is the point; not to repeat it.
Learning From Your History
When you grasp how it was done, you see all the signs and symbols you missed. You see what you 'should have' done. How you 'should have' behaved.
Yes, forgive yourself because you didn't know. But now you do.
Looking at the blank television screen, imagine how, if you could go back to that very meeting, what you ought have done and said and visualise doing it.
You need to catch all the tricks and the patterns so that when you begin another relationship you are alert to them and don't fall for them.
You know what a Narcissist is, you probably lived with one.
Hence, the next time you encounter one you know all you have to do is call to someone in the crowd and he'll be so insulted he will march away.
You are dating a chap who tells you when he will pick you up and where you are going and you say, "That doesn't work for me."
See how angry he gets?
By learning the process of domestic violence, you avoid relationships where that is possible. You don't ever put yourself at another's mercy, you don't fall for the tricks.