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To Truly Escape Abuse

Updated on April 11, 2019

When You Escape

Taking your body out of the clutches of the abuser is the first step. But only the first. For there is much more one needs to do to truly escape and survive.

One must deal with Abuse as one would with PTSD. For that is what it is.

During the relationship the Victim adopts coping mechanisms, deceptions. When one escapes, s/he is not the same person who entered.

Getting back to a complete independent individual takes time, and also analysis.

By Analysis I mean going over every segment of the relationship to understand how and why.

To examine it as a gem, from every side, to comprehend how the Abuser did this, how you felt, what lies you fed yourself, how you developed you survival strategies, and how you reached the point that you recognised yourself as a victim and escaped.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

To enter a relationship with what you thought was a soul mate; whose virtues could fill a book, and then to live with a monster, is at the very least, distressing.

To be subjected to various forms of abuse, from the mind games to the humiliations, to the beatings, does leave you with PTSD.

To truly face the demons, you have to sit down and look at the relationship until you have those 'Aha!' moments.

Many Victims can't bear to think of what happened. They try to block the thoughts, the memories out of their mind. They believe they just can't relive those horrible moments.

This is why many Victims stay victims, going from one Abusive relationship to another.

Calm Reflection

At some point, in a safe and quiet place, have a retrospective. Start from the meeting.

Look at it as a television program.

Did the Abuser suddenly appear in your life? Did he sweep you off your feet? Did he focus on you above and beyond?

Do you notice something rather peculiar about all this?

Think about it, envision it, look at a blank screen, and see it. You will notice that it isn't logical.

Don't say, 'love isn't logical'.... that is not applicable.

When you realise that the whole first part of the relationship was created to throw you off guard, to confuse you, to overwhelm you, to make you believe this stranger could love you so deeply and not know you?

Keep watching the blank screen, and continue on how the relationship unfolds, catch the key words, the actions, the bits and pieces that were performed.

He didn't abuse you when he punched you, he had been abusing you from the day he made you cry; how close to the wedding was that action? Two weeks in?

Emotional Abuse is where it begins. See how easily he was able to hurt your feelings, try to capture the thoughts in your mind at that point. Did you feel less? Did you go from that magnificent person he couldn't live without to a nothing?

Go through it incident by incident, focusing on how he made you feel. And how you adjusted to that feeling. See your confidence chipped away until it was gone.

Notice how he got rid of your friends and family, how he behaved as if he was so much more intelligent than you are.

Notice how he controlled your feelings; how you hadn't wanted to go to that function but he forced you, or how he prevented you from going where you wanted.

Look at his actions, look at how you felt. Why you complied.

You will probably reach the point where if you wanted to eat Italian you said Chinese, or if you wanted to stay home suggested going out.

Take your time, get the insights. See how he did it. How you twisted yourself to fit into his pattern.

This reflection will give you the power to comprehend how and why and enough ammunition to prevent it happening again.

For this is the point; not to repeat it.

Learning From Your History

When you fully grasp how it was done, you see all the signs and symbols you missed. You see what you 'should have' done. How you 'should have' behaved.

Yes, forgive yourself because you didn't know. But now you do.

Looking at the blank television screen, imagine how, if you could go back to that very meeting, what you ought have done and said and visualise doing it.

You need to catch all the tricks and the patterns so that when you begin another relationship you are alert to them and don't fall for them.

You know what a Narcissist is, you probably lived with one.

You are at a cocktail party sitting way over there with this chap who is giving you his bio. You just met.

All you have to do is call to someone in the crowd and he's so insulted, he marches away.

You are dating a chap who tells you when he will pick you up and where you are going and you say, "That doesn't work for me."

See how angry he gets?

By learning the process of domestic violence, you avoid relationships where that is possible. You don't ever put yourself at another's mercy, you don't fall for the tricks.



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    • Steven McChesney profile image

      Steven McChesney 

      11 months ago from Richmond, B.C.

      Holy waaaaahhh!

    • qeyler profile imageAUTHOR


      11 months ago

      Thank you. I've examined these relationships for years, seeing what happens when you stay, how you twist your brain.

    • qeyler profile imageAUTHOR


      11 months ago

      A friend of mine used to get her beatings, and what made her virtually run into the night was seeing her little son standing terrified in the corner.

    • Minnetonka Twin profile image

      Linda Rogers 

      11 months ago from Minnesota

      This article was so accurate & well written. I watched my twin sister go through this hell for 13 years. Every time she told him it was over, he upped the ante to scare her & she'd stay. Her saving grace was finding an amazing therapist & support group with other women in similar abusive relationships. I was thankful as a sister she found this; especially after she went to her priest & was told to stay with him, ignoring her pain. She is so happy now & speaks in our community to help other's going through it. Thanks for writing this important article. Blessings.

    • profile image


      11 months ago

      This is true. In my case, neither was an option.

      If anyone out there is going through this, please find some mind of faith to believe in and lean on to leave! Go to the nearest court house or police station.for help! Never give.up on yourself or your matter how it looks. God is working it out!

    • qeyler profile imageAUTHOR


      11 months ago

      the best move is to send the kids away... 'visiting' a relative or going to summer camp... or something. Then with them gone... it's easier to leave.

    • profile image


      11 months ago

      Yes, Yes and Yes!

      This is exactly it! I'm a Survivor to the Madness you just totaly broke down!

      It's worse whem you have kids! When you find yourself scared for you and your child. The enormous amount of guilt you feel because you stay longer than you should and your child is witness to it...that hurts!

      No one should ever be treated this way-never!


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