- Gender and Relationships
True Love, Chemistry, and Other Confusing Love Life Issues—7 tips
In the 1980s we believed that anything was possible for anyone involving love relationships. Many best-selling books say the same thing, even that the ideal love life, anything you want, is “your birthright,” and all you need to do is follow their advice to fulfill your dreams.
Since then, our empirical research involving spirituality, personality assessment, and relationships, including observing thousands of love relationships as a matchmaker and writing a book about soul mates, we have found that there exist many love life hopes and downright falsehoods that afflict the lives of even the most intelligent people.
Consider the principles below to make the most of your love life, whether you’re involved or single.
1) Don’t wait too long for the chemistry to magicallyappear: It's important to feel a physical attraction to the person who might become your significant other. It's either there or it isn't, and sometimes it's not obvious at first. But when it's not, and you simply hope the sexual chemistry will develop over time, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.
2) True Love: This term is tossed around a lot, but it means different things to different people, and everyone loves differently. True love may be more accurately defined as unconditional love, which is loving without any expectations of anything in return.
3) Sex is not love, but love can be expressed through sex. There’s a saying that men love through sex and women need to feel love to enjoy sex. While that might be true for many, it’s important to keep sex and love in perspective.
4) When it’s over it’s over. It's not easy to let go when your partner wants out. But most of the time they’ve already made up their mind and it's pointless to try to manipulate the situation beyond trying to work it out. It's best to accept that it's over, be grateful for what you experienced, and move on. You can resist and generate more unhappiness, or accept what is and let go. Even if they do decide to return to you some day, letting go now will not interfere with that. In fact, it will allow you to see the situation clearly and if it's really in your highest interest to accept them back into your life.
We readily acknowledge that break-ups aren’t easy, but taking a different approach from the beginning, one that does not put the emphasis on duration of the relationship, can go a long way to ease the pain of a separation.
5) "I should meet my soul mate/spouse/partnerby age 25 (or 30 or 40 or whatever age)" It would be nice if you could just apply for and receive your soul mate at a certain age, much like you do a driver's license. The reality is that some people are meant to meet a more compatible person or people early in life, and some must have a little more patience. Our findings dictate that people meet who they’re supposed to meet, when they are supposed to meet them, and everyone’s love timing is different.
6) When you’re in love you don’t need to be cautious about safe-sex and birth control. The illusion of security that a dating situation or a traditional relationship provides can sometimes lead to STDs and, or unwanted pregnancies. Because of this, respect yourself and others by practicing safe sex and using two forms of birth control, every time.
7) Falling for someone online is the same as doing so in-person. Chemistry, or a perceived chemistry, can be very different online or by phone than it is face-to-face. Because of this, it’s not recommended that you chat, e-mail, or talk for more than a week or two before meeting. If you are not able to meet in the near future, at least try to keep your expectations in check and don’t make the mistake of assuming you’ve met a love of your life until you’ve spent a lot of time together, in person.
Copyright © 2009 Scott Petullo, Stephen Petullo