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Turn Your Significant Other Into Your Ideal Mate

Updated on July 26, 2010

 There has been a question posed recently that has been asked by men, and women, for quite some time.  Evidently, there has not been a satisfactory answer thus the reason the question still exists.  What I am referencing here is why women find the need to change their men.  While this is stereotyping at it's finest, it is a stereotype for a reason. 

 As a young girl entering into the confusing world of hormones and relationships, I turned to the wide array of teen magazines out on the market.  Some girls had older sisters or cousins to turn to, others had understanding mothers.  Not me, I was an only child, no older cousins nearby, and my mother panicked when I brought up boys.  Not only was I not allowed to date, I was not allowed to think of boys.  My mother did not trust herself enough to believe that she taught me to not be as rebellious and experimental as she was.  Getting that out of the way, the magazines did a terrible job of teaching young ladies how they should behave in their relationships. 

 There were countless articles aimed at teaching us how to use subtlety and feminine guiles to get the man in our lives to do pretty much whatever we wanted.  By using a combination of reverse phsycology and withholding 'favors' we are told that we can have any man panting at our feet.  You do not like the way he dresses?  Tell him how you saw this shirt at the store and thought about how sexy he would look in it.  Don't like how he belches after a meal?  Tell him you won't kiss him after he does that.  Want to get him to stop smoking?  Give him something else to do with his hands and mouth.  Really?  This is what a young girl needs to know. 

 It goes the other way, too.  In those same magazines, there are numerous quizzes detailing how to know if a guy is into you or if your specific guy loves you.  On just about every one of those lists, the top one went something like this-you know your guy loves you if he sees you in the morning without your makeup on and he still thinks you are beautiful. This was about the time that I decided to live sans makeup and simply be Au natural.  I figured that if this was the way it was supposed to be, I did not like it.  I wanted there to  be no surprises for any future men in my life.  They were going to get what they saw and if they did not like that, then there was no moving on. 

 That is also how I have approached the opposite sex.  I wanted a man who was comfortable in his skin, knew who he was, what he wanted out of life, and was looking for the same in a woman.  Many heartbreaks later, I have learned that confidence can be faked and men, like women, lie.  Many nights were spent with girl friends griping about how this guy deceived us or how that guy was great but...and we would go on about how he would have been perfect if only fill in the blank.  Then it hit me, why were we hung up on finding that almost perfect guy?

 The answer turned out to be exceedingly simple.  That is what we were taught to do.  This is not a phenomenon exclusive to the most recent generations, either.  I have found readings from my great grandmother's generation teaching women how to be the perfect wife.  Among the list of attributes that a woman was supposed to attain was the ability to 'train' our husbands.  Men, forgive me, but you have not been granted a history of being the all-knowing, ever capable, strong, supportive gender that you would have yourselves believe.  Just as you are talking to your buddies about how your poor, fragile wife does not have the brains or brawn to tackle difficult concepts, we have been talking to our girlfriends about your failings.

 As women, we are taught to serve you, support you, guide you into becoming the successful pillar of society that your mother pointed you towards.  No matter how physically attractively we find you to be, no matter how much we get along with you, you simply must be tweaked, just a little bit.  Despite all the stories of finding our ideal knight in shining armour riding up to us on a white horse to carry us off to a life of love and luxury, we are told that it really is a fairy tale and it will not happen.  We are told there is no perfect man, no soul mate.  We are told, then, that we must make him.  We are to take the closest thing we can find to the guy we want, and we must then mold him into our dream guy.

 Just so that we are clear, we, as young ladies, are also told that we are not good enough, either.  We are taught that no man will want us for who we are but who he perceives you to be.  We must discover what kind of woman he wants and become her if we are to catch his singular attention.  Once that has been established, it's time to roll up our sleeves and get to work!  Obviously, this is really no way to set about trying to establish a strong, healthy relationship.  There needs to be a shift in how we approach ourselves and others and certainly how we view the ideal partner.  I do not know if this is the answer you gentlemen were looking for, but it is the best that I can do.


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    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Thank you, Lita, you are too kind! I am glad you found your knight in shining armour, it is wonderful when you meet that person that is perfect for you just the way they are. That's when age really doesn't matter and when life becomes truly worthwhile. Keep on loving him and never change!

    • Lita C. Malicdem profile image

      Lita C. Malicdem 7 years ago from Philippines

      My knight in shining armor, the boy I'd loved before, came into my life with persistence. It took me 7 years to realize and accept that he was my significant other, although he was 5 years my junior. I didn't have to change him, nor mold him. And we lived happily, ever after.

      Chaotic Chica, you have a fine personality, I can see that. My prayers are with you for your continued blessings of love and true relationship. Peace and happiness!

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Thank you prasetio30. I am glad that you found this to be useful to you and especially thankful for the rate up! Much obliged to you.

    • prasetio30 profile image

      prasetio30 7 years ago from malang-indonesia

      Nice hub and very well written. I get much information from you, especially from woman side. That's makes me learn much. Thanks for showing me. Good topic. Rate this Up.


    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Hey Carolina! You know, there are very few societies that have not been founded on the idea that men are strong, capable providers to be obeyed and respected and women are simple-minded, less-than-capable homebodies to be pacified and dismissed. All of that stereotyping has led to false ideas regarding the opposite sex and ,ironically, the women's lib movement did not clear things up. Now the general consensus is that men are simple creatures who need to be 'reassured' of their manhood while the woman quietly (or sometimes not) comes in from behind to do the real work and keep things running smoothly. Conversely, women are considered less ignorant than before but are now known for stubborn pride in this 'I can do anything you can' world. I learned a long time ago that judging anybody on generally accepted stereotypes usually leads to false impressions and the occasional foot-in-mouth syndrome and have since set out to find people who are honest with themselves and the world. It is certainly entertaining to see how women (and men) as a whole view the opposite sex!

    • carolina muscle profile image

      carolina muscle 7 years ago from Charlotte, North Carolina

      It's always interesting and a learning experience to read the female perspective on us!!

    • Chaotic Chica profile image

      Chaotic Chica 7 years ago

      Paradise7~LOL Please do not take offense to this, it is meant as a compliment, but you sound like my mother after her second divorce! She changed the way she viewed men and wound up with the man who has treated her better than any man has!

      Pcunix~Thank you for the thumbs up! I'm sure that your wife doesn't have much to tweak with you!

      Dave~You said it best! That is exactly how relationships should be approached. There should be no settling. I don't believe in changing a person, you either love them for who they are, or you don't. In case you weren't sure, it was your question that prompted me to write this hub! We think alike and I wish more people would, too! (Think this way about relationships, that is!)

    • Dave Mathews profile image

      Dave Mathews 7 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

      If I as a man, fully understand myself, and what I am looking for in a mate, then I should be seeking out the woman who has those qualities I seek, and settle for nothing less. This would mean I do not have to ask the woman to change anything about herself.

      The same applies for the woman. First know yourself totally, then seek out the man who meets the qualities you seek in a man, and don't settle for second best hoping to change something.

    • Pcunix profile image

      Tony Lawrence 7 years ago from SE MA

      And here I thought my wife just liked the way my butt looked in jeans when she first noticed me.

      She's still trying to tweak me forty four years later. It's ok - I like being tweaked :-)

      Good hub.

      I had to click Useful, Funny and Awesome. I don't really like Awesome (needs a better word) but it's all we have to work with!

    • Paradise7 profile image

      Paradise7 7 years ago from Upstate New York

      Hmm....maybe that's why I've been divorced twice. I prefer to be myself, than someone's ideal mate.