- Gender and Relationships
Un-desperate measures : A guide to getting a man.
Finding the right man by being found.
There was a time when women complained of not being able to work after marriage and being stuck at home with the children, while their husbands pursued their careers. Getting married was the easiest thing in the world. Nowadays, most single women (particularly in New York) have to claw their way into a meaningful date, much less a proposal.
In Manhattan, a majority of women are without partners. I have a friend who moved to Boston from New York just because according to her, "the men are there". Single women dressed to compete on friday night pepper the clubs in packs. Their shiny, sparkly outfits and uncomfortably high-heeled shoes matched with their nervous hair-flipping and looking around, tells me that the friends are just there for the purposes of not looking alone. Dating sites abound with women looking for love. The thing that bothers me the most is finding out that women are now buying porn to study new tricks on how to keep guys interested in them sexually.
These desperate behaviors are encouraging the increase in numbers of bored, sex-spoiled and over-valued yet under-attractive men. Let us put the ball back in the court where it belongs. They line up, we pick. All it takes is a change in paradigm.
1. You don't need to hunt for men, that's their thing.
A successful hunt involves narrowing on a target, strategizing a plan of action, and pouncing at the right moment. Men employ a varied number of tactics very similar to that observed in the natural world. Some make you look, some do stealth, some snake their way around you and some get you cornered in a position where escape is impossible. Before, that position used to be "marriage". The hunter-prey transaction is one that is as old as life itself. It is limbic. You cannot rationalize it. If you behave like prey, and you will be hunted. You behave like a predator, and those around you will scatter in the Savannah.
To cut the long story short, if you look like you're hunting men every friday night, men will start behaving like prey. They will either freeze or run away like deer. Though they are still physically there, their psyche is already in prey mode. They are now positioning their stance in a way that keeps them safely out of commitment range. The kind of men you catch in a hunting game, are those who are sadly gathering conquests. They are not the ones who you can have a relationship with.
It doesn't take much to make men chase you. Just don't chase them. Chasing behaviors include going out looking for a man at night, giving your phone number without being asked, asking for their number or calling them, going to where to they go in the hopes of seeing them.
So what do you do instead?
• If you really want to find a man who will chase you, be found in places you would ordinarily be found in. Men are everywhere, they are in your work place, in grocery stores, in church, in the post office, in the gym and in the subway.
•If you catch a glimpse of a guy you find even mildly attractive to you within talking distance, smile at them. The smile is enough, you don't have to hold their gaze. When you look at them, while they're looking at you, notice the thing that attracted you about them. Was it the eyes? Was it the lips? Was it his suit? Just take mental note. You don't have to make it obvious that you like them. They will notice your admiration and your receptiveness and THEY will approach and talk to you. They won't know why, but they will.
• If they do talk to you, listen! So many women get so nervous around men, they start revealing too much too soon. If you're the talkative kind, be talkative. But please listen to what he's saying too so you can talk in the same direction. Be in that moment and not in your future wedding dress. You're aware of what stage he's in, so you can respond appropriately. This is how you don't give more meaning to a conversation than it has. A lot of women I know are ten steps ahead of the game. A guy who is just flirtatious is a marriage prospect. Even I get scared! The first talk sets the tone of the relationship. Listening to what they're saying removes you from thinking of being someone else to get them, other than yourself.
2. The last thing you want to do is look like you're looking for a man.
I always say, dating sites are actually booty calls. It is not the way to get into a serious relationship. If online dating is your only option of meeting men, go to interest sites like Yahoo Chess. Go to sites that you're really interested in and you will mostly find men who you have at least one thing in common with.
It's the same with bars and clubs. Go to a bar or club only if you're going there because you like the place. The rule is, go to places you naturally gravitate to. If your interests tend to put you in places where all you'll find are women,it's alright. Other women have brothers and male friends. You could also broaden your interests more or explore other aspects of yourself that you haven't explored like running or martial arts. The best place to be found are talking groups and workshops. In workshops, there are a lot of interactions and topics to discuss. Once again, you find somebody you like, smile at them. Make sure you're not flirting when you do. Just smile to signal you're open to conversation.
When you do get to talk to one you particularly find potential in, listen to what he's saying. Pay attention to HIM not his attractiveness. If you want to get into a relationship with this guy, start now. Be someone he can relate to.
3. You don't need to make men interested in sex, they already are.
Sex is a mirror of a relationship. What goes on in bed is what's going in a relationship underneath the charade. There is nothing more honest than sex. During sex, you cannot hide selfishness or generosity. It shows naturally. Sex fantasies have deeper psycho-spiritual roots. Sex fantasies are specific to the person. No matter what skill you try to learn, if the guy is not into you anymore, no new sex trick will make him stay. He will enjoy the novelty for that moment but it will not make him take the relationship further. Sex is interesting for them in itself. They could even have sex with women they hate and enjoy it. Don't use sex to get a man to commit. They just don't operate this way. We get attached because of sex for biological reasons. We need help in parenting the future child we're going to have with them! Men however, are just biologically interested in sowing their oats--unless they're interested in your particular set of gene pool, they will sow and leave. Make them interested in you, not sex. That will make them stay longer. The way to do that is to be interesting to yourself.
Sex is better when you feel absolutely beautiful. Don't wait for a man to do this for you. You can treat yourself to a spa and a nice massage. Even indulging on a little bit of your favorite dessert a couple of days before a date can do wonders. Take care of yourself and do something you enjoy everyday. Having an interest in what pleasures you in day to day activities makes you aware of what you enjoy in bed. Contrary to popular belief, you don't have to worry about pleasuring him. If you are enjoying yourself, he will enjoy sex with you. There is no greater flattery to a man than a woman who has a good time with him.
In short, focusing on the things that you truly enjoy and truly feel, attracts the kind of men that truly enjoys and feels that way you do. You don't have to find them or wish for them. They will find you and wish for you, until you decide its time to make their wish come true.
A dating book by Liel Lowndes that everyone criticized me for buying but everybody borrowed. I bought two copies and both of them never came back.