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Unavailable Intimacy

Updated on August 26, 2010


How is it you can want someone so much that there is real physical pain inside that won’t go away? Whether it’s mid-afternoon, morning, or night—just looking at that person causes a stirring of desire.

And why does it make you feel so bad because you try to “put a lid” on the fire when you know that they do not feel well and you want to do the right thing by them by not taking advantage of the fact that you’re horny?

The war in yourself to satisfy those painful urges, and then again not to, because they don’t feel well, is great indeed; especially as you continue to lie there—wanting, needing. What do you do?

Then you remember a time from the past when you lay beside another man, one who held your very heart completely, and you had the same urges and feelings, but you couldn’t touch him either—not because he felt bad, but because he wouldn’t let you. So you cried yourself to sleep time and again.

While not the same, the situations are similar; you ache, you can’t touch or have that intimacy you so desperately crave—so what do you do? As you’ve done before, you cry yourself to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.


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      alberich 7 years ago

      Dear ashelladyhawke, first I will say it is up to you how you should consider your situation I only can share my experiences. The reason for my interest is because I like the fact that you dare to raise these rather difficult questions. I will go back to your original questions: How is it you can want someone so much that there is real physical pain inside that won’t go away?

      Well I think it is because:


      Live, be life full, feel and catch your moments of life, meet other beings and be near them, be a part of their living, be seen, be needed. No matter what you think of how you manage your life. Every inch of your body, your rationality and your soul know that you sooner or later will become worm food, without the bodily possibility to experience the physical manifestation in the world. Your body is made for contact, constructed to have sensations and feelings, to experience what your spirit is not able to do without it.

      I believe the reason for your hesitation of what to do in the relation to other people,(i.e. the two men and others) are that the physical is just a mean for your ultimate objective and that is to mirror and merge yourself, your soul with other souls. The physical possibilities and means, conflicts with the underlying urge to have true meetings with other souls. And the meeting with other souls is, at its best, a bond to the bodily experience. These conflicts makes us confused and force us to do choices, decide path in our life, choose who we will fulfill our meetings with.

      So dear ashelladyhawke, decide for yourself what is your purpose of life. Is it something near what I believe or is it something else. Then go there and make your choices, because if you don’t make your choice then you will, more or less, stay in agony and in pain until you do. The choice can be to go forward or to back out, or to do nothing or to compromise, even to get whatever you can get. Just make your selection from the point of heading against the fulfillment of your, limited, existential purpose.

      Dear You, be as astonishing amazing as you possibly are able to be, and LIVE!

      Bless You!

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      Nancy 7 years ago from California

      Thank you for your inspiring words alberich. As to the questions you raised, the first is the first man in question was in severe pain and I am not one to take advantage of someone who is already hurting. The second man, well, he was a drunk. I have normal desires as anyone else, just since I've hit my 40's, they have become more pronounced. That is why they seem more intense than just 4 years ago. Hope that clears up the questions for you. Comment back anytime you like.

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      alberich 7 years ago

      Thanks for sharing!

      Interesting questions!

      Many people have similar experiences of shutting out their desire or another person’s desire. It is helpful to know something about the reasons or context of why “you want to do the right thing by them by not taking advantage of the fact that you’re horny?” What are the underlying motives? Or is it that you think your desire is out of normal proportions and you need to search the cause of why this is so? Is it ethical reasons, your brother in law or best friend’s husband? Your stories doesn’t give much hint of why the person feel bad or why the other man wouldn’t let you, so I guess I only can comment on the behavior.

      It is amazing how long people can live in a relation with unavailable intimacy with so much pain and agony yet still in fear or in asthenia of making a change of the situation. If you neglect or put a lid on scorching feeling it only makes it worse and even strengthens the urge. Maybe you control yourself to much and shut out your feelings before they can get a contour of reasonable needs. And the mere fact of unavailability is the driving force behind the strength or the actual interest. Be open and talk with the person or someone you can trust. Hearing yourself saying what you feel has a healing effect. If you want to change your behavior there is also cognitive therapy which focuses on the triggers of the conducts and gives you tools to change your behavior.

      Dear Ashelladyhawk, you only have one life as far as we know, so regardless of everything “Get out before you perish!” Either in a sophisticated way or by slashing the Gordian Knot in Two. Mostly things clear up on the other side.