ArtsAutosBooksBusinessEducationEntertainmentFamilyFashionFoodGamesGenderHealthHolidaysHomeHubPagesPersonal FinancePetsPoliticsReligionSportsTechnologyTravel

Unavailable Intimacy

Updated on August 26, 2010


How is it you can want someone so much that there is real physical pain inside that won’t go away? Whether it’s mid-afternoon, morning, or night—just looking at that person causes a stirring of desire.

And why does it make you feel so bad because you try to “put a lid” on the fire when you know that they do not feel well and you want to do the right thing by them by not taking advantage of the fact that you’re horny?

The war in yourself to satisfy those painful urges, and then again not to, because they don’t feel well, is great indeed; especially as you continue to lie there—wanting, needing. What do you do?

Then you remember a time from the past when you lay beside another man, one who held your very heart completely, and you had the same urges and feelings, but you couldn’t touch him either—not because he felt bad, but because he wouldn’t let you. So you cried yourself to sleep time and again.

While not the same, the situations are similar; you ache, you can’t touch or have that intimacy you so desperately crave—so what do you do? As you’ve done before, you cry yourself to sleep and hope tomorrow is a better day.


    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Dear ashelladyhawke, first I will say it is up to you how you should consider your situation I only can share my experiences. The reason for my interest is because I like the fact that you dare to raise these rather difficult questions. I will go back to your original questions: How is it you can want someone so much that there is real physical pain inside that won’t go away?

      Well I think it is because:


      Live, be life full, feel and catch your moments of life, meet other beings and be near them, be a part of their living, be seen, be needed. No matter what you think of how you manage your life. Every inch of your body, your rationality and your soul know that you sooner or later will become worm food, without the bodily possibility to experience the physical manifestation in the world. Your body is made for contact, constructed to have sensations and feelings, to experience what your spirit is not able to do without it.

      I believe the reason for your hesitation of what to do in the relation to other people,(i.e. the two men and others) are that the physical is just a mean for your ultimate objective and that is to mirror and merge yourself, your soul with other souls. The physical possibilities and means, conflicts with the underlying urge to have true meetings with other souls. And the meeting with other souls is, at its best, a bond to the bodily experience. These conflicts makes us confused and force us to do choices, decide path in our life, choose who we will fulfill our meetings with.

      So dear ashelladyhawke, decide for yourself what is your purpose of life. Is it something near what I believe or is it something else. Then go there and make your choices, because if you don’t make your choice then you will, more or less, stay in agony and in pain until you do. The choice can be to go forward or to back out, or to do nothing or to compromise, even to get whatever you can get. Just make your selection from the point of heading against the fulfillment of your, limited, existential purpose.

      Dear You, be as astonishing amazing as you possibly are able to be, and LIVE!

      Bless You!

    • ashelladyhawke profile imageAUTHOR


      8 years ago from California

      Thank you for your inspiring words alberich. As to the questions you raised, the first is the first man in question was in severe pain and I am not one to take advantage of someone who is already hurting. The second man, well, he was a drunk. I have normal desires as anyone else, just since I've hit my 40's, they have become more pronounced. That is why they seem more intense than just 4 years ago. Hope that clears up the questions for you. Comment back anytime you like.

    • profile image


      8 years ago

      Thanks for sharing!

      Interesting questions!

      Many people have similar experiences of shutting out their desire or another person’s desire. It is helpful to know something about the reasons or context of why “you want to do the right thing by them by not taking advantage of the fact that you’re horny?” What are the underlying motives? Or is it that you think your desire is out of normal proportions and you need to search the cause of why this is so? Is it ethical reasons, your brother in law or best friend’s husband? Your stories doesn’t give much hint of why the person feel bad or why the other man wouldn’t let you, so I guess I only can comment on the behavior.

      It is amazing how long people can live in a relation with unavailable intimacy with so much pain and agony yet still in fear or in asthenia of making a change of the situation. If you neglect or put a lid on scorching feeling it only makes it worse and even strengthens the urge. Maybe you control yourself to much and shut out your feelings before they can get a contour of reasonable needs. And the mere fact of unavailability is the driving force behind the strength or the actual interest. Be open and talk with the person or someone you can trust. Hearing yourself saying what you feel has a healing effect. If you want to change your behavior there is also cognitive therapy which focuses on the triggers of the conducts and gives you tools to change your behavior.

      Dear Ashelladyhawk, you only have one life as far as we know, so regardless of everything “Get out before you perish!” Either in a sophisticated way or by slashing the Gordian Knot in Two. Mostly things clear up on the other side.


    This website uses cookies

    As a user in the EEA, your approval is needed on a few things. To provide a better website experience, uses cookies (and other similar technologies) and may collect, process, and share personal data. Please choose which areas of our service you consent to our doing so.

    For more information on managing or withdrawing consents and how we handle data, visit our Privacy Policy at:

    Show Details
    HubPages Device IDThis is used to identify particular browsers or devices when the access the service, and is used for security reasons.
    LoginThis is necessary to sign in to the HubPages Service.
    Google RecaptchaThis is used to prevent bots and spam. (Privacy Policy)
    AkismetThis is used to detect comment spam. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide data on traffic to our website, all personally identifyable data is anonymized. (Privacy Policy)
    HubPages Traffic PixelThis is used to collect data on traffic to articles and other pages on our site. Unless you are signed in to a HubPages account, all personally identifiable information is anonymized.
    Amazon Web ServicesThis is a cloud services platform that we used to host our service. (Privacy Policy)
    CloudflareThis is a cloud CDN service that we use to efficiently deliver files required for our service to operate such as javascript, cascading style sheets, images, and videos. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Hosted LibrariesJavascript software libraries such as jQuery are loaded at endpoints on the or domains, for performance and efficiency reasons. (Privacy Policy)
    Google Custom SearchThis is feature allows you to search the site. (Privacy Policy)
    Google MapsSome articles have Google Maps embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    Google ChartsThis is used to display charts and graphs on articles and the author center. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSense Host APIThis service allows you to sign up for or associate a Google AdSense account with HubPages, so that you can earn money from ads on your articles. No data is shared unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Google YouTubeSome articles have YouTube videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    VimeoSome articles have Vimeo videos embedded in them. (Privacy Policy)
    PaypalThis is used for a registered author who enrolls in the HubPages Earnings program and requests to be paid via PayPal. No data is shared with Paypal unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook LoginYou can use this to streamline signing up for, or signing in to your Hubpages account. No data is shared with Facebook unless you engage with this feature. (Privacy Policy)
    MavenThis supports the Maven widget and search functionality. (Privacy Policy)
    Google AdSenseThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Google DoubleClickGoogle provides ad serving technology and runs an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Index ExchangeThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    SovrnThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Facebook AdsThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Unified Ad MarketplaceThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    AppNexusThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    OpenxThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Rubicon ProjectThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    TripleLiftThis is an ad network. (Privacy Policy)
    Say MediaWe partner with Say Media to deliver ad campaigns on our sites. (Privacy Policy)
    Remarketing PixelsWe may use remarketing pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to advertise the HubPages Service to people that have visited our sites.
    Conversion Tracking PixelsWe may use conversion tracking pixels from advertising networks such as Google AdWords, Bing Ads, and Facebook in order to identify when an advertisement has successfully resulted in the desired action, such as signing up for the HubPages Service or publishing an article on the HubPages Service.
    Author Google AnalyticsThis is used to provide traffic data and reports to the authors of articles on the HubPages Service. (Privacy Policy)
    ComscoreComScore is a media measurement and analytics company providing marketing data and analytics to enterprises, media and advertising agencies, and publishers. Non-consent will result in ComScore only processing obfuscated personal data. (Privacy Policy)
    Amazon Tracking PixelSome articles display amazon products as part of the Amazon Affiliate program, this pixel provides traffic statistics for those products (Privacy Policy)