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Understanding the 5 basic needs of a relationship in marriage

Updated on June 22, 2014

It involves:

Words of affirmation

Spending quality time

Gifts and flowers

Acts of service

Physical touch

Love language in a relationship

This article is to help you understand your spouse and what they need and how showing them love the way they see love can help your relationship.

In a relationship especially in marriage, it is important for us to understand the love language of our partners. It is the key to accessing your spouse. They are like passwords and without them, there is no entry. The love language of your spouse is the language he or she understands as love. It is important that you love your spouse on his or her own terms and not on your own terms or the way you perceive love should be like. This is the key to pleasing your spouse.

1. Words of affirmation

Telling your spouse about your love for him or her may be what your spouse understands as love. Constant communication will enable you find out what your spouse likes or doesn’t like. Your spouse may just want to hear you call him or her sweet pet names or how much you love him or her or just saying “I love you” every minute. Forget about what you knew about love or what you did in your past relationship before you met your current partner. You are with a different person now and therefore you cannot treat him or her the way you used to treat your partners before.

The person you are with now deserves the best because you are married to that person. Your boyfriends and girlfriends in your previous relationships may not have been bothered about hearing love words and your current partner or spouse desires it. You must relate with your spouse now the way he or she desires. Constant words of affirmation may be all your partner needs to prove your love to him or her.

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2. Spending quality time

We are so busy in this present world that time is no longer available anywhere. Your partner may just love the fact that through your entire busy schedule, you can spare one hour out of your daily activity to just be with them. That could be your partner’s love language. Avoid making all the time you ever spend apart with your spouse to be all about sex. It can ruin your relationship. Spend time on anything that you both share. Become your partner’s best friend and confidant. It will enrich your life. It could be going to the movies, attending concerts, gisting about anything from politics to what happened to you at the local market. Just be free and enjoy spending time with your spouse.

3. Gifts and flowers

Giving gifts and flowers to your partner is important. It brings about renewed freshness in your relationship. It brings a constant new perception on how you see your partner. It waters relationships. It may be all what your partner sees as love. You can decide to give gifts to your partner either daily, weekly, monthly or on occasions depending on your financial capacity. The act of giving gifts is not all about the price of the gift or where you purchased the gift from but the thoughtfulness. Your partner may just appreciate knowing that you consider them worthy of spending your money to buy things for them.

5. Physical touch

Little touch or physical contact is important to keep couples close. Your spouse may just desire it constantly and understand that as love. It’s a point of physical and spiritual bond that does not require sexual intercourse. This is probably being regarded as most needed by women more than men but the reality of it is that men are more incapable of handling love more than women. They are more vulnerable than women. Women are better capacitated in handling love matters. Men just hide their vulnerability behind fake aggression and that’s why when a man falls in love with a woman and trusts her, he gives her everything. Men need physical touch as well as women.

4. Acts of service

Marriage and relationships can only survive through constant sacrifice from both parties. Your partner may just desire sacrifice of your pride as a show of love. Helping out your spouse in house chores, gardening, washing his or her underwear, going to the market, helping with your in-laws, helping take decisions by coming up with interesting ideas can keep your love together. This comes from sensitive thought towards your spouse and seeking to make them happy. For singles, you do not need to engage so deeply in this because there is no way you can wash the underwear of someone you are not sleeping with and we do not encourage sex between unmarried couples.

When apologizing to each other over a matter that hurt, is extremely important to touch each other physically even though your partner may avoid it out of hurt. For the unmarried, it’s important to avoid touch because it will lead to sex and destroy the strength of the relationship.

The above subtopics are what I felt were necessary and basic as a love language. You would need to discuss with your partner to find out their own love language. They may not tell you specifically but listen when they talk about something they love and the way their eyes tear or sparkle and at such moments and you can tell what their love language is.


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      Robert E Smith 

      4 years ago from Rochester, New York

      I find use for all five types of showing love. I remember when my wife and I first were married. She was not used to the words, "I love you." It just so happens that whenever I feel it, I say it. She learned that I was sincere in my saying those words, no matter how many times it was said. So I just kept it up and now if I am not saying it often she thinks something is wrong. (In my case, she would be right, any lack of "I love you(s)" means something is wrong.) Now she has learned that it is part of our "normal" and she yearns to hear it.

      Presents are nice but when money is lacking, it can be hard times if that is how the only was a spouse relates to love. But there are things like buying a balloon or a card and leaving it for her to find. Or, leaving a note or a love picture on her Facebook page to make her smile.

      It is also hard if the spouse only depends on sex for the love expression. Sex is bound to get old and orgasms are not guaranteed. Then is when people are tempted to go elsewhere for a new physical high.

      There are two sides to making physical love work. One is being open-minded and Listening to the spouse's needs. Taking time and putting variety in love-making makes it fresh and exciting. But also always maintaining intimate touch throughout the day. A light brush of an arm or her hair can be very intimate. Letting her know that she is pretty and that you enjoy just being with her in settings of non-sexual nature makes the emotional heat build so there is excitement simmering throughout the day, it is not just all put into one act of empty non-fulfilling sex just before sleep.

      These are things I have found to be true and useful. Very good article and I read the book "5 Love Languages" and that was a good read. I voted up and useful. Bob.


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