Unsuccessful Dating Service Profiles
THIS FAMOUS MAGAZINE SAID IT ALL
Dating Service Applicants Who Are Still Looking For Happiness
Let's pretend for a moment that I own a very-successful dating service. Not your average run-of-the-mill, garden variety dating service, but a top-quality dating service. I cater to all people. Lonely, happy, adventerous people who are only seeking an opportunity to date a true-blue, sane, down-to-earth person who will match their like's, dislike's and choice of shoes.
This is no cakewalk. This is painstaking work. Sometimes I do not go home for days. I will stay and work my highly-sensitive computer systems until every dating applicant has been safely, and happily matched with someone who is compatible with them.
My dating service track record is pushing a ninety-seven percent success rate. My life is finally good.
But there is one sensitive area that I will not talk about in public. Until now. That area is a sad area. An area that I pray night and day will just disappear from my dating service (and life) completely. That area is the "Unsuccessful Dating Service Profiles." If you don't have good nerves and a strong stomach, then you do not need to read the rest of this piece. I do not want the responsibilty of knowing how the heart-breaking secrets of this "dark" area of my dating service will affect you. You might think about wearing a lead apron for protection.
You've now been warned. My attorney (who asked to remain anonymous) said that this warning was legal.
What I mean by unsuccessful dating profiles is that there are some "special" people who apply to my dating service in high-hopes that "I" can suitably match them with someone that they are comfortable with. Someone who isn't ashamed of being seen with them in public places. A person who will love them even with their minor flaws. Believe me, this task is tough.
What you are about to read are but a few of the select "Unsuccessful Dating Service Profiles" that are on file in my secret offices somewhere in Sante Fe, New Mexico and have not, until this moment, been seen by the naked eye.
Again, you have been warned.
So if you are ready. Sitting down. Relaxed and strapped into your favorite "cuddly place" with your "honey," then we will continue as I, with some reservations, present for your concern . . .
"Unsuccessful Dating Profiles."
PROFILE #3566-9 - WILMA
Hi. My name is Wilma. I live in Tucson, Arizona. I am a single woman. Not by choice. I have exhausted all avenue's of dating areas such as church mixer's, dances and late-night grocery shopping. My friends call me "Homely," not because I have some hormone problems which cause me to have a beard like a Marine, but because I love to stay home. Again, not by choice. I like classic shoe stores; popcorn; scrabble and collecting antique shoehorns. I am looking for a man who is able to move under his own power, has a decent job, and a minimal criminal record. I am not hard to please. I have one pet, "Jockey," a chinchilla my aunt "Bessie," a rehab patient gave me years ago. I own my own mobile home. And work as a clerk in our Payless Shoe Store. If you like heated games of scrabble and eating Thai food, give me a call. Anytime day or night. I seldom sleep due to a personality crisis. I could be "the" one for you.
PROFILE #2531-9 - CARLENE
My name is Carlene. I am an outgoing divorced lady who likes canoeing, flea markets and dog track betting. I'm a non-drinker, but smoke cigarettes when I am depressed. My husband left me after three weeks due to my hobby of buying and selling stuffed chimps that he swore was consuming my life. My hobbies are sleeping late on Saturdays; barbecues but only with a close, intimate male friend like you; reading the Yellow Pages and quiet days exploring the caves where I live in Tom Tom, Montana. If you are lonely and needing a pair of strong shoulders to lean on, I'm your girl. Call me now. No cult members please.
PROFILE #0035-2 - THURMON
My name is Thurmon. My friends call me Thurmon. I am self-employed as a metal detection specialist working in the sewer systems of big cities to recover any and all monies, valuable metals and a few handguns in the process. I am 52. Single. A non-smoker, drinker, and never do drugs. I love dogs, fishing and gutting wild hogs after I kill them. I am not into rock music. I did love Country Music. Bobby Bare was my favorite until he snubbed me one time at his concert in New Blood, Oklahoma. My hobbies include napping, carving tobacco pipes from drift wood and junk food. If you want a man who is a real man. Call me today and by tonight we will be napping on the beach somewhere near Tijuana.
PROFILE #1422-7 - DORIS
Hi, I'm Doris. I have been divorced three times, but none were my fault. I work as a dealer in Las Vegas part-time. And in my public library the rest of the time. I haven't any kids, education, or social skills to speak of. I like trying new dishes to cook, motorcycles only if I can drive, and steamy movies in the privacy of my double-wide trailer. I love cats, fish and rabbits, but not for dinner. My favorite food is pork and beans. I have a drink of whiskey only in a social situation. I have most of my natural teeth. If you are tired of spending your nights alone, call me right away and let's plan our get-away to Siler City, North Carolina, where my great grandpa lives. What a romantic trip that would be.
PROFILE #7825-3 - CLAUDE
Hello, I'm Claude and looks can be deceiving. It looks like I have all of my hair, but really it's someone else's. I wanted to look young, strong and have plenty of vim and vigor when I meet my dream date. I work at the local pork processing plant just off I-55 West out of Austin, Texas. Been there for nearly 15 years so I have a stable job. I like westerns on televison, Ernest Tubb songs and my dog, "Jeb." My hobbies are working in the yard, fishing for monster fish in the swamp below my house and taking that special gal to eat at "T.W.'s Oyster Palace," across town. Call me soon as you can. Those fresh oysters won't stay fresh forever.
PROFILE #6008-6 - ARCHIE
Hello, single women, I'm Archie, a retired horse seamen harvester. That is a job that not many men can do. I am 61, in decent shape, and love females of all shapes, sizes and tan levels. My hobbies are duck decoy collecting; hiking in the woods; attending survival retreats for soon our world will be taken over by a rare species of men from a secret breeding ground in New Zealand. If you like suspense, adventure and quiet evenings in my front porch swing, just call ol' Arch. I will treat you like the queen that you are. No smokers, please.
PROFILE #3761-11 - MARGARET
Hello, this is Margaret. I live on-the-road. I love being a modern-day gypsy, but I do not shoplift. I like to wear my gypsy clothes, play my tambourine and sing traditional gypsy folk songs from Budapest for my friends, Billy Mack, Evening Star and Sir Johnny, all from England. I have no hobbies but to make a man like you happy. I do not smoke, drink or have a serious criminal record. Call me today and let me take you to my world of gypsy adventures and spiritual reconnection retreats that my people have started in Midland, Texas. Peace.
Next time I will show you the really pitiful applicants who I didn't have the heart to publish in this piece.
Here's hoping that your dates are all happy and you NEVER have to use my dating service. At all.