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Until I Am No More

Updated on April 3, 2014

The lump in my throat is a constant companion, and a steady reminder that I am completely alone. You are the absolute love of my life, but I stand here holding nothing. How can this be my life? Where is the moment in time, that isolated incident, that condemned me to nothingness? What did I do that was so bad? What punishment is the universe rendering?

Silence surrounds me, and every breath I take is deafening. It is the only thing to hear. There is no motion, no movement, no love breathing life into this existence. Whether or not I feel guilt at the undeniable grief I allow myself is so far removed from my mind, that I do not see that it has any relevance at all. This grief is real. Loneliness, and loss of hope overwhelm me. I do not know which way to turn, and I do not know if I ever shall.

Where can I lay this blame? I stood in silence for far too long. I let you lead me with blinders obscuring every possible warning sign. I missed them all for such a long time. Why do you not love me? Why does no one love me? They all stand on the outside looking in on me, and they see nothing of the devastation that permeates every cell of my being. You do not even know the depths of my despair and anguish to not have you.

Life can tear at us until we disappear into a million shards of pain scattered everywhere. I hate this pain, and have lived in fear of its encroachment for so long. I would give you my next breath as my last if you needed it. I would have loved you best. I would have loved you always. I would have loved you only. But a love unwanted is a love starved into oblivion. And the secrets of this pain that I carry are hidden from the world. I love you body and soul. Until I am no more.

© 2013 Bella Nina


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