Waiting to Exhale with No strings Attached
Determined to move on, the struggle to remain focused is definitely real. Its one thing to break up with your boyfriend, but an entire divorce from my husband is another story in itself! Acceptance came soon after we made it official to split. I noticed the signs long before we were really over, but I desperately tried to convince myself that this just couldn’t be. I have lived by this motto in life; never say never. At the drop of a dime my whole life changed and I had little to no control over the situation. Believe me you, I have thought of many sinister methods of how I could sabotage his life with his new woman. I smiled wickedly to myself as I pictured busting out her living room windows…that smile faded as I thought about police officers and being jail for attempted murder. I love my children and my freedom far too much. Fighting fire with fire just won’t do in my case. Worry does nothing to the human mind but infest & clout it with outlandish possibilities that really has nothing to do with reality. I’ll have the last laugh for sure, but right now, this is no laughing matter.
Many of my female associates have tried to influence me to get him back for all the hurt he has caused me. If you know like I know, then you know where they told me to hit him hard. His pockets. Make him pay they said. Get child support, get alimony, and get your truck they said. On the contrary, I have no desire to be the bitter black woman who goes after a man’s money once he no longer wants anything to do with her. No way, not me! Of course I expect him to care for his children, but all those material things…he can keep. I am in transition to receive better. Better as in, better than anything he has ever or will ever own. He can have the car, I don’t want his money, but he will take care of his kids. PERIOD. In the meantime and between times, I have bigger fish to fry. I am no longer concerned about him and his new lover. The peace I gained when I TRULY let it go, was magical. It was like I was hindering myself from true happiness. Sooooo, what now?
As a woman, it is natural to long for warm hugs and attention. Call me picky but I can’t have just anybody hugging on me, some people do not wash their hands! Most men are intimidated by me because they already know when they see me, I’m nothing to be played with. I believe it is the way I carry myself, or the intent I have in my eyes. Either way, men hardly ever approach me in person. If they do, they had better have something meaningful to say. I tend to appreciate their respect for my privacy, I have no desire to “rap” or get to know anybody. I’d rather guys NOT try to holler at me, then I won’t have to hurt their feelings. I need a moment to get my mind right. I talked with one of my older girlfriends and she said, “Well you know Kris, the best way to get over one man is to get under another.” In any other circumstance I would have disagreed with her to the fullest extent. However, seeing as though my ex has moved on and happiness is key to my survival, I might have to change my way of thinking for a moment.
People are going to have an opinion about my life whether I like it or not. Who cares what other people think? If having consensual sex is what is going to me happy then dammit, where’s the beef? I’m a grown woman, and as a woman I do not have to tell you that a woman has needs. I’ve been missing in action and haven’t given anyone the time of day. A lot of men in the society talk a good game but they fall in love quicker than women these days. I don’t want to fall in love just now, I don’t even want to discuss what it really is. I understand Miguel when he sang, “I don’t want to be loved, I don’t want to be loved…I just want a quickie, no bite marks no scratches and no hickies.” I’m waiting to exhale. It’s been a long frustrating year for me and more than anything I want to wrap my legs around a man and release all that has been built up. Yes, yes I know! What kind of talk is this for a woman who has just barely started the processes of divorce? It’s my kind of talk, get with it or get lost. J
I takes a mature woman to be able to know what she wants, go get what she wants and keeps it to herself. Too many times we find women gloating about their sexcapades. Honestly, if it isn’t in a book, people don’t care. Earlier this week a woman and her lesbian lover were airing dirty laundry when the other caught her cheating on Facebook. The things I read in the comments would make any mother ashamed. Facebook; the #1 killer in relationships. Low-key is the way to be. That’s just how I roll. I hardly want to be seen in person, so I sure as hell don’t want to be caught checking into anybody’s motel. The last thing I want is to be coming out of a hotel while my ex is going in. The less I say, the less can be repeated. I will say this though, after a heart break, a season to heal and time to myself, I have come to the terms that I need the type of affection that can only come from a man. Not just any man…a real man. Only a real (mature) man will know what to do with a woman like me in a situation like this. Its more than just sex, this is sexual healing….with no strings attached. It takes a strong minded man to be able to do what I need done.
I haven’t explored many possibilities, this has only been theory in my mind for now. Being single is not as difficult as I thought it would be, I was just used to having a man around. When you go from getting “it” daily to not at all…it tends to mess with your mental somewhat. In my younger years, before I got married and started having children, it was a breeze for me to catch a hot date. Now that I am single again, it’s like I’ve lost my mojo. You know it’s bad when you intend to flirt but it somehow ends up awkward. It’s been a good 6 years since I’ve been on the dating scene. Granted I am a beautiful woman, but I tend to be awkward when I find someone attractive. Often times, I keep my comments to myself and keep it moving before I say something to embarrass myself. Cuffing season is upon us, and while everyone is out being in love and buying cute little matching outfits I’m at home, writing a book and maintaining a blog. Awesome.
All this time I have been holding on to my frustrations refusing to give my time to anyone. A part of me hoped all of this was just a joke and he would be home again in no time. I’ve watched the weeks fly by and quickly turn into months which is now closing in on a year. I need a distraction, something that makes me forget time exists. Someone who understands my plight and has the antidote to this horrible sickness commonly known as celibacy J (That’s me being sarcastic) God knows my heart, and He also knows when He created me, He created an undercover freak. Up until now, my husband had been the only man who I desired. He is no longer my husband, and I am no longer his wife. There is nothing unnatural about the way I am feeling. There are times when a woman has to love herself, or she is just going to be one angry unloved individual. I refuse to do that to myself. I know what I want. My eyes can see, and my ears can hear, I do not miss a beat. This is a personal mission, not to find love but to regain my equanimity. I suppose you could say I am literally waiting to exhale. Until then, I’ll be here…writing & waiting…waiting and writing.