- Gender and Relationships
War of My Heart
For so many years I pretended to be what I am not. It is both strange and comforting to acknowledge that idea as fact. It is after all, simply the truth. I have waged wars between my heart and my head, broadening the wedge between the two. It is easy to forget yourself in the distraction of surviving another battle.
I walked alongside a lake, and by the breath of God the water was pushed around, shimmering under a brilliant sun with unending sparkle. The scene was almost blinding and filled me with a sense of reverence. I lifted my head to face the wind, and welcomed its washing over me. The affect was cleansing, like a washing of my soul. Breathe. Just breathe. I need peace in my mind to sort out the choices I must make along the path that lies before me.
Purity of thought brings clarity in choice. Delicacy of the heart can complicate our choices. I wish for more strength, and spend inordinate amounts of time on that wishing. But wishing won’t increase my strength. So wishing bears no impact in the process of my choices.
In this war between my heart and my head, my heart is the enemy. It is shapely, and beautiful, lovely and giving, strong and defiant, and yes, it is the enemy. For in my heart resides a stubborn will to have its own way despite all logic, despite all knowledge, despite all that is right and honorable. Selfish, selfish heart . . . you are my enemy.
In the true acknowledgement of my pretending, I find the path that leads me to myself again. True peace cannot exist in the world of pretend. The final battle in the war between my heart and my head must be decided by the truth that will not be denied. After all, I’ve known it all along . . . my heart was always going to be sacrificed in the end. And that is why it waged such a strong fight. Beautiful, weary heart ~ it is time to rest. Declare your peace. It is time for the war to end.
© 2012 Bella Nina
GOD GRANT ME THE SERENTIY
TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE,
COURAGE TO CHANGE THE THINGS I CAN,
AND WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.