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War of My Heart

Updated on June 6, 2014

For so many years I pretended to be what I am not. It is both strange and comforting to acknowledge that idea as fact. It is after all, simply the truth. I have waged wars between my heart and my head, broadening the wedge between the two. It is easy to forget yourself in the distraction of surviving another battle.

I walked alongside a lake, and by the breath of God the water was pushed around, shimmering under a brilliant sun with unending sparkle. The scene was almost blinding and filled me with a sense of reverence. I lifted my head to face the wind, and welcomed its washing over me. The affect was cleansing, like a washing of my soul. Breathe. Just breathe. I need peace in my mind to sort out the choices I must make along the path that lies before me.

Purity of thought brings clarity in choice. Delicacy of the heart can complicate our choices. I wish for more strength, and spend inordinate amounts of time on that wishing. But wishing won’t increase my strength. So wishing bears no impact in the process of my choices.

In this war between my heart and my head, my heart is the enemy. It is shapely, and beautiful, lovely and giving, strong and defiant, and yes, it is the enemy. For in my heart resides a stubborn will to have its own way despite all logic, despite all knowledge, despite all that is right and honorable. Selfish, selfish heart . . . you are my enemy.

In the true acknowledgement of my pretending, I find the path that leads me to myself again. True peace cannot exist in the world of pretend. The final battle in the war between my heart and my head must be decided by the truth that will not be denied. After all, I’ve known it all along . . . my heart was always going to be sacrificed in the end. And that is why it waged such a strong fight. Beautiful, weary heart ~ it is time to rest. Declare your peace. It is time for the war to end.

© 2012 Bella Nina






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    • profile image

      Staysha 3 years ago

      It's always a relief when someone with obvious exrtepise answers. Thanks!

    • Bella Nina profile image

      Bella Nina 3 years ago from USA

      Thank you so much Rolly. I am blessed that you have read this piece, and that it touched your heart. I am always grateful for that. Hugs to you.

    • Rolly A Chabot profile image

      Rolly A Chabot 3 years ago from Alberta Canada

      Hi Bella... Magnificent, touching and a perfect read this morning as I sit in the quiet. Often in life we allow emotions of the heart to make our choices, our head follows, even those times we know the heart is wrong. The inner conflict is confusing and far to often painful.

      The serenity prayer has been with me for 40 years now and has been my comfort in good times and hard times.

      Very well written and with an amazing impact on this reader this morning...

      Hugs and Blessings

    • Bella Nina profile image

      Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA

      Thank you for your comment baygirl33. I sometimes ~ no, I almost always believe that it would be easiest to go with what's in my head, than what is in my heart. Head things are easier to deal with than heart things. Such is life.

    • baygirl33 profile image

      victoria 5 years ago from Hamilton On.

      Loved your writing (and the song),so lovely and sweet,but with that strange(or not so strange)undercurrent.

      For my par (while appreciating it's not that simple)I would try to win the battle by asking my head what I think is right.

      Thank you for this hub!

    • Bella Nina profile image

      Bella Nina 5 years ago from USA

      I want to thank each and every one of you for the wonderful comments. Your support of my writing is humbling and incredible. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. Thank you again, so much.

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 5 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Voted up and awesome. This is lovely and I agree it is so hard to think logically when the heart wants something so badly. I think the best way to make peace between the heart and the head is to rely on the Lord to guide us.Love the prayer. God bless.

    • profile image

      Janhorner 5 years ago

      I have not read such a magnificent piece of work for ages! You have a wonderful talent, a natural gift for writing. This is beautiful and I loved your descriptive words.

      I was captivated from the very first few words and that is the mark of a true talent.

      Bella, I wish you lots of luck with your writing and I'm positive that you will be published at some point in your writing career. Good luck.


    • billybuc profile image

      Bill Holland 5 years ago from Olympia, WA

      The Serenity Prayer was the perfect ending to a lovely piece of writing. I have walked that path for thirty years and said that prayer hundreds of thousands of times.

      As for the war raging inside of me, I now listen to my heart much more than my head. I tend to over-think life and I just love the beauty of my heart's thoughts.

    • rex michaels profile image

      rex michaels 5 years ago

      Outstanding! I walk the world between my heart and head. I weigh what each has to say and make my decison. You have done wonderful work here. Thanks

      R. Michaels