Marriage and communication, the good the bad the ugly, then the recovery to happiness. Save your marriage.
What could have been
I am going to share a lesson with you that I learned through experience, not to give you advice per say because we all know that advice is never valuable until after it's turned down and the inevitable "that won't happen to me" kicks you in the teeth. Life experience has made me wish I could have a dollar for every time I rolled my eyes at solid advice and ignored it because I was smarter than whichever elder was nagging me, and without fail it always eventually jumped up and bit me square in the rear. Had I heeded some advice and swallowed my pride I'd be the Stephen Hawkins of success and Dr. Phil would be my ahem bitch.
My Farm from the back
Let's do it..
One of the most exciting times of my life aside from the obvious marriage/kids/handbag purchases etc... was when I said to my husband "Geez I wish we lived on a farm", and he looked back at me and said "I would love to have a farm also...LETS DO IT". It was a very invigorating and hopeful time in our lives and gave our relationship a little boost. I read in a magazine or on-line somewhere that successful marriages are the product of always having something in the works, always planning and having something to look forward to; as a couple that keeps you engaged and focused on the plans you have for the future. It's hard to get bored or feel disconnected from your husband, wife, life partner, boyfriend or girlfriend if you’re always planning, always working on making something better; be it the hunt for a new toilet or the saving and anticipation of a future vacation or in my case purchase of our dream farm.
From day 1 one of our journey to our beloved farm home everything went surprisingly smooth, although in hindsight it was a huge risk, it meant leaving behind a home that some people aspire their entire lives to obtain and few ever do yet we walked away on our own accord, not because we had to but because we WANTED to and a move like that takes some balls. Not everyone could happily and with anticipation walk away from granite everywhere and 20 ft ceilings but the vision I see for my farm house in the future is everything that fancy house will never be...warm, welcoming, humble, filled with antiques and the place my children will always call home.
Now let me tell you the lesson that hit me by complete surprise. I think back to the day that this move was born and the seeds of all our plans were planted. What I heard my husband say was "I want a farm also" and what I said was "I want a farm" but what we never discussed was what a FARM meant to each of us. I guess when you find a common ground and you get caught up in making the dream a reality you can inadvertently be to preoccupied to think logically and I was oblivious as my mind raced with ways to fill 10 acres of land with every breathing animal I could think of. A farm to me was a place that was filled with animals and hay stacks yet somehow I managed to block out the realities of having all of those things; which is the work it involves and the financial commitment that come with it.
All about the details
My husband and I shared a dream but the contents of that dream could not have been farther apart. I view raising chickens as rewarding and something to take pride in. He views chickens and goats and ducks and cows and donkeys as work, money wasted and a burden that is intolerable after a 50 hr work week piled on top of the basics of just maintaining a home; and raising 3 small children and two teenagers. I finally realized very quickly that when you celebrate your joint dream you somehow forget to put your investigator hat on and grill your partner for details that make up their part of the farm dream. As I now know he was dreaming of a garden and a few hours of peace while mowing 10 acres of lawn. I do not fault him for wanting his part of our dream and I respect the duty I have to my husband to be flexible and allowing him his half of our vision but I have learned that sharing a life requires you to dig a little deeper into the details, ask the questions even when you don't really want the answers because nothing is ever perfect and life is not literal, no two people will view a farm in exact likeness, so today I'm going to try my hardest to mimic one of my favorite parts of nature...a tree, one that is fruitful, strong, purposeful and most importantly bendable.
Bend like a tree, happy you will be!
© 2014 Karen Ranoni