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What Do You Do When You Find Out YOUR Guy is Gay?

Updated on September 22, 2016
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K.D. Martel is a writer, published author and artist working from her studio in the province of Québec, Canada.

A few days ago, one of my best friends found out that her spouse of nine years was gay. She called me up late one evening to tell me the bad news. She was heartbroken, sobbing and asking why, why? Why didn't I see this coming, what steps could I have taken to find out my spouse was cheating?? I didn’t know what to say, I comforted her and told her that there was nothing she could have done to prevent this situation. It isn’t the same as if she had been in a relationship and he had been cheating on her with another woman, then I could of probed her to find out what had happened between them over time for him to turn to another woman (emotional needs not being met?).

What does a man or woman do when their spouse, boyfriend, partner falls in love with someone of the same sex? I find that when it involves the opposite sex, you can find out the why eventually and work on that situation so that it never happens again!

We go through so many sleepless nights wondering about why this happened? When did this start? Was this always so, with whom and was I leaving in a relationship full of lies. My friend went through it all. She was lucky in that her spouse sat down with her and told her that he had only realized it a few months ago that he was attracted to a co-worker. He didn’t understand it himself, he had never had thoughts or feelings related to his present state of mind. It just happened, something clicked between them and that was that. He wanted to leave her, yes; arrangements would be made for the kids and so forth.

My friend was shocked, she didn’t want to fight back or stir up any trouble, after all, she couldn’t compete with another guy, and she didn’t have the anatomy to do so! When she asked him why, why was he attracted so much to this man, he couldn’t answer her, all he said was that they connected on a soul level and that he had found his soul mate.

Now, I believe in connecting with people on a soul level, no matter what the sex of that person is. I have felt the same with people of the same sex, sometimes so strong that it makes you wonder, what if? Does anyone have anything to add to this or clarify? I would love to hear from men or women who have gone through the same situation.

© 2010 K D Martel


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      Destini 6 years ago

      Omg . I am going through the same thing . I have been with my man / boyfriend and we actually talked about getting married so technically we are engaged . But I always had this weird feeling about him like that something just wasn ' t right or wasn ' t there n even confronted him about being gay and he denied it all the way no no no i ' m not like that don ' t come at me like that this and that but I noticed that every time we went anywhere it was always around another guy or one of his guy cousins and it seemed like he had some sort of connection with them that wasn ' t able to have with me and it would make me jealous . I would get upset but hold it in because every time I would say something it would be no that ' s my cousin it ain ' t even like that or that ' s just my friend but if you don ' t want me hanging out with him I won ' t and then like when we didn ' t have a place to stay together I would go back out to where I lived and when I would talk to him find out that he had gone back to hang out with his guy friend that he said he wasn ' t going to hang out with and I ' d just be like why did you say you weren ' t going to hang out with him but you just went back over there .. and he ' d be like well I had to because of this or have to because of that or his cousin had to go over there for something and he was with him so that ' s why he went . And things didn ' t seem to add up . And everywhere we would go together , it seemed like he looked @ other girls and i would get really mad and say something but I think he is just attracted to everybody and the ones who he has a real connection with are the ones who he sexually literally like fucks and Idk what to do anymore . Because That would not be something I would want to " share " I don ' t just share my man / boyfriend / the guy I ' m supposed to marry you know ! And I just got on his fb a couple weeks ago and found about 20 conversations he was having with other females talking sexually and he had come over to my house about 3 days after talking to those females and I confronted him about it and he said that it was his friend Josh . So I was like okay . . . What about this guy who is asking to be your cock whore and this and that and he ' s like I don ' t even know this guy . . so just a couple days ago I get on his fb again and the same guy wrote back to him and said hey come back over to my house i ' m at the same house call me and gave the number so I called and was like do you know Hank and he was like yea . And I was like have you guys been having sex and he ' s like no but his friend Josh does . And I ' m like oh so the Guy who Hank was hanging out with the period when he was talking to all of these other girls he was with Josh and this Dustin guy and they were all apparently in the same house and writing back and forth to each other so . I just found this out a couple days ago that this is what happened the week that he was having those conversations and then came to my house a couple days later and said that he did not know any of these girls or the guy who was writing him .

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      K D Martel 6 years ago from Quebec, CANADA

      sorry to hear that happened to you Carolyn, and being abused for finding out that really sucks, my heart goes out to you. I'm really proud that you want to start a blog and support group, your experience will help other women in your situation too.


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      Carolyn Wilson 6 years ago

      This happened to me after 30 yrs. of marriage and 7 children. By accident, in October 2009, I found out that my husband had been lying and manipulating me for 30 yrs. He was soliciting for sex on Craigslist and even bringing men into our home while the rest of us were at my grandson's footbal game around the corner.

      I was used and abused. When I found out his secret he beat the crap out of me. I had my sons help kick him out of the house.

      I want to start a blog on this subject and a local support group for women that became victims of abusive gay husbands. I'm sure there are plenty out there.

      I feel for your friend; I feel what she feels. One good thing though--she's young enough to build her life again. Mine's over.

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      KarmaPlusOne 6 years ago from New Hampshire

      He was born that way. Supressed feelings. Didn't like the fact that he would possibly be gay. This attraction to his co worker was the straw that broke the camel's back. She's feeling deciet and a lot of pain and I guarantee you that her husband is too. Pain comes in many different fashions. You can be the recipiant of pain and you can be the cause of it. Causing pain onto someone else, creates just as much pain knowing you hurt the one you love. It's a big grieving process. Until both parties accept it, life can't be the same. My opionion, which my life has taken the same path. My heart does go out to your friend and I know excactly what her husband is feeling too....