- Gender and Relationships»
What Do You Do When Your Wife Cheats?
The ultimate betrayal
First off I want to make very clear that I don't agree with this in any shape or form. I am currently struggling in an unhappy marriage and although the thought of having someone else show you affection and attention sounds nice I would never do it. This has to be one of the hardest and hurtful things to endure and recover from.
Here is what happened to a very close friend of mine and I will keep it simplified as much as possible. His 1st wife and he had been married for 7 yrs but things were starting to change and I wasn't sure why? They had two young sons and she had recently quit her office job to become a full time babysitter, watching other kids while she stayed home with theirs. We had talked about this and she really wanted to do this and so they did.
The first 6 months everything seemed to be okay. She was content to sit home at nights, watch TV, read or just relax with him. He tried to get her to do things with her friends since she was cooped up all day but she said she was content. They began going out with different friends to nightclubs to listen to bands and all of a sudden her wedding ring disappears. She said she needed to get it resized but wanted to lose some weight first, this was strange to me and I didn't like it. Next, even though they were obviously together, guys would ask her to slow dance and she would say "yes". I made it very clear before we got married that slow dancing was a form of intimacy in my thinking and I would never be happy with her doing it with anyone but me or a close friend, he thought the same way as me, so I was getting upset. She said she was done, he went to the bathroom and came out and one of their favorite songs was playing and he tried to find her to dance and she was with another guy. She said she loved the song and couldn't find me? By this time he was "spitting bullets" and they verbally fought the whole way home. She couldn't understand why he was so upset, really? She argued that why all of a sudden does she have "rules"?
Their relationship started to decline after this and sadly shortly after two of our mutual friends had separated. He had cheated on his wife and his wife felt sorry for him because everyone sided with her, duh? He tried to be his friend because you can't change the past but he took to his wife instead, who always had a "sweet spot" for him anyway and he always thought she was "hot". At first it was all innocent but then things got out of control. He would call late at night and want to talk and would be on for hours, then he wanted to meet for a drink etc. Again his wife thought he was being selfish for letting all of this bother him. She began lying to him about where she was going. I began following her secretly and then playing dumb when she came home to see if she would confess and she never did. I was upset but I just looked the other way. He took care of the house and their sons while she was gone more and more each night. It was time for a truth he didn't want to face but knew he had to.
One night when she was supposedly at a night school class, he drove there and saw no car so he followed his gut feeling. He drove by "his" house and didn't see her car at first but as he slowed down he could see a piece of it showing from behind his house in an alley, very clever. At this point his emotions were on overdrive, what do I do? Do I go home, break down the door, trash her car, he was feeling it all. He decided that he had to know for himself so he began banging on the front door as loud and as long as he could, his house was completely dark. After several minutes he finally answered the door and just bowed his head and didn't say a word. My friend caught a glimpse of her running to the bathroom with her pants around her ankles. Finally his emotions cut loose and he started screaming at her, she screamed back and said she wasn't doing anything but talking, He called her some choice names and the whole time her supposed "friend" didn't defend her in any way, what a coward! Although he didn't actually see them both naked, all of the lying, sneaking etc told the tale anyway. As much as it hurt to see this, he said that he wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes seeing is the only way to believe.
They were still married at this time but started sleeping in separate rooms and she was gone more than she wasn't. They were barely civil to each other but I was still hoping they could get past this. After a pair of short separations, a few days each time to let each other miss the other or not?, he decided it was time to go. She had already been talking to a lawyer friend about a dissolution so it was only a matter of time. He waited until she was out with their sons one night and cleaned out the house with all of his stuff and was gone to his parents. He left her a note telling her that she wanted "me" out of her life, she wins. He didn't write anything hateful or demeaning. I would have liked to have seen the look on her face when she got home and every trace of him was gone forever.
I still to this day, 19 years later, have no idea what happened? I just knew all of the warning signs that things were going south in a hurry. It would have been less painful if she would have just filed for divorce and said she wasn't happy anymore than to do all of the hurtful things she did to him. The one thing that she did confess was that she knew his feelings toward the "dancing" and the "cheating" so since he wasn't getting the hint that she wanted him gone for whatever reason, she knew that would "seal the deal". I hope nobody else goes through this. If you are unhappy in a marriage then try and fix it. If it can't be fixed then you have only two choices, either leave or endure it. Cheating is never the answer. I don't know anyone that cheated and "won". His ex has been single ever since. Whether she is happy or not, who knows? He was happily re married a few years later, but did need to talk to a therapist for several months after the break up, to fight extreme sadness & betrayal.