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This Is Love

Updated on August 11, 2014

What Love Is

1.) Freedom/Non-attachment

2.) Trust/Honesty

3.) Equal with boundaries

4.) Attracted on all levels; spiritual, mental, emotional, physical

5.) Patient and kind

This afternoon I was sitting in an ice cold car dealership plastic lounge chair in shorts, waiting to be serviced. It is the middle of August, and the car dealerships air conditioner was on much higher than needed. I was with my significant other and my child. I did not create my child with this significant other, however this other of significance has had more influence on this child than any other person in his world besides me. Last year I took a statistics class and figured the chances of me meeting/dating/loving/knowing this man, was one in a million.

It's been about one week of finding this car on the internet, going to look at the car, negotiate and today was the planned pick up. If you have read any of my other work, you will see my diligent research of expectations of plans and the knowing, readiness that whatever is planned is going to not happen. It is the acceptance and "OK-ness" of these facts that ultimately creates happiness and peace within us. I show up to get the car, the car is not ready, so we wait.

This significant other of mine works very hard at his job and took the day off to bring me to go get this car. He takes time off invariably at my request to prove he loves me more than his job, but not overdoing it lest he actually put his job at risk. He has taken time off so that I would not have to, when my child is sick. He has made a point of letting me and my child know that I am not a single parent and that my son has, not one, but two dads. He has an intricate way of showing me that he does not need me, nor I him-but that we do logically choose to live life together when appropriate. In his engineering fashion, he has at one time or another, promised that I would be his girl forever and at a time in the future, he would ask me formally.

This man and I have known each other almost five years. He is 18 years my senior. He is an entirely different socio and economic status, as I. He is gorgeous with a chiseled face and body. He makes far more money than I do. And is fashioned to a particular trade that has achieved him over 15 years within a nice, comfortable corporation with a promising future. We are both alcoholics in recovery. He is 18 years sober. I am a little over four years. We both were going through pretty awful and borderline traumatic breakups when we decided to have coffee. I'm not sure if I fell in love, walked in love, or became focused on my next victim. On August 24, 2012 I sunk my teeth in him and haven't let go since. I think he likes it very much.

I'm still in the cold plastic chair in the waiting area watching my adoring child play with the community superhero play lot. Louie, my significant other, is on his second cup of coffee, slurping away in his half conscious half adorable/half irritating manner. I keep glancing at him, as I often do, expecting him to look up and say something life changing or look back at me mutually, but he never does. He probably thinks I'm creepy. Or we probably just miss each others gazes. Fast talking, interesting looking sales people continue to twirl around us. Our current situation is semi-irritating/frustrating but neither of us seem to become too bothered. Why would we be? We are in love.

The lady finally comes back over with the final paperwork. My mind changes about Louie every 5 minutes. One minute I love him, want to marry him and bear his children. The next I hate him and want to drive to California. Literately. He stuck up for me today and bought me a giant ice cream, thus causing the lovey feelings but they are still awfully fleeting. My phone rings. It's a newcomer in Alcoholics Anonymous, our fellowship, so I take it without question.

"Jessica?"

"Yes, Diane". I save all their numbers orderly in my phone in order to become more of service and usefulness to them.

"Are you still with that guy you used to go to meetings with?" Diane says.

At this point, the insecurities that remain is wondering whats going on. I have the most loyal man in the world. Has she had sex with him? Does she want to? Has someone else? What does she know that I do not.

"Yes Diane" I reply.

"Ohhhhh." Diane says.

"Why?" I ask blandly.

"Didn't he used to beat you?" She says and I immediately refocus. This is the newcomer that I could relate to. She is new and still in an abusive, toxic relationship.

"Oh no Diane! He's not the one" I say.

"Oh ok. I remember him adoring you and always looking so in love with you." says Diane.

"Yeah. You're right." I say. I can relate to her wanting so badly to correlate the real love, that is evident sometimes to everyone in the world except for me, that Louie and I do share, to the delusional obsession and compulsion that comes in an unhealthy, abusive relationship.

"No, he would never lay a hand on me. He loves me." I reiterate.
"That's good." She says.

The conversation quickly ended with some talk of Alanon and getting through anything sober. Louie has taught me a lot about that and love. I finished filling out the paperwork and got in my new adorable car that I like a lot and drove home. I made the boys a quick dinner, we went to a meeting in the new ride and came home to clean up the house and ourselves and go to bed.

Here I sit, reflecting on what love is and is not. I suppose it takes experiencing what we do not, to become accepting of what we do want.

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