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What Isn't Wanted

Updated on June 18, 2012

H O L L O W

Me. I am not wanted.

You. Always wanting.

Me and you. You not wanting me.

The truth. You want to take what you can from me, and then leave me wanting something which you never intended to give to me. Never. It’s too hard for you. You set it all up to be just too much to ever give up, walk away, and make me legitimately yours. Too bad for me. Guess I just have to suck it up, and survive whatever way I can.

How fortunate for you that I am a great secret. What a mess your life would be if I was not. How fortunate for you that I do not seek to destroy you as you are willing to destroy me. My heart and my soul have been bloodied on our secret playground that is become this battlefield called Love. Why don’t I destroy you? I don’t want to obliterate the innocence of innocent people.

I

don’t

want

to

obliterate

the

innocence

of

innocent

people.

I hurt myself. I beat myself up over and again. I have waited for you ~ endlessly, or so it feels. I don’t want to wait anymore for the scraps and the crumbs that fall to the floor from the table of your life. I don’t deserve that. I deserve so much more. Happiness is not meant for only you. It is meant for me as well. I am not some side dish on the table of your life to be chosen, or not chosen, consumed or pushed aside, saved for later and turned into some midnight snack consumed when your hunger takes over, and no one else is watching.

I am certain that you will be just fine without me. I’ll be a pleasant memory that curls the edges of your mouth sometimes. I’ll be the woman in your dreams who wakes you to find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat. I’ll be the raw desire that races through your body when I walk by and the essence of me is left behind. You will remember how good my hair smells, and the way you used to bury your face in it. Ah, the memories. You will remember that once you had me, and you will realize that now you don’t.

Aching, cold, gnarled gut. Hollow, so hollow. That is the inside of me. Time to purge my love. If I let go of you, then I can hold on to something that wants to love me. Me.

Me. Me without you.

Me without you.

Life.

Love.

Pain.

Redemption.

Eternity.

Eternal loneliness.

Forgiveness.

Blessings undeserved.

Blessings anyway.

Me forgiving you.

Me forgiving . . . me.

God be with you. I no longer can be.

© 2012 Bella Nina

Comments

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    • profile image

      Birdie 

      3 years ago

      It's great to find somonee so on the ball

    • profile image

      Birdie 

      3 years ago

      It's great to find somonee so on the ball

    • profile image

      Vincent Moore 

      6 years ago

      He is and you both will find each other in time. Hugs

    • Bella Nina profile imageAUTHOR

      Bella Nina 

      6 years ago from USA

      There is such wisdom in your words. I never considered that I have "misdirected" my love, but as I read your words, I felt a seed of acknowledgement had been planted inside of me. I truly never considered this possibility. I should have figured out by now that if love hurts this much, it probably is because I bestow my love on the wrong person. Such pain for me. I am not in love with pain. I am in love with someone who doesn't love me the same. I feel like such a foolish child, unwilling to see the truth which has been set before me for so long.

      What a process loving and letting love go is. I will endeavor to release myself from this pain, and indeed consider that there is a man who is waiting for me to arrive at the right place, at the place to let him love me. I want to believe that he is walking this earth at this moment.

      Thank you Vincent.

    • profile image

      Vincent Moore 

      6 years ago

      You place it where it is accepted and reciprocated by another who loves as much as yourself. Love can't be one sided, it doesn't last, it's misdirected to the wrong person. I truly believe every person can find the right mate, sometimes it takes a lifetime and often not in this realm. I have loved and have lots to give, but now I am cautious who I let in. Love hurts with the wrong person and I am a prime example of that. So hold on to your love, you will set it free once you meet that perfect mate. Thank you for sharing, I to am honored with your gifts.

    • Bella Nina profile imageAUTHOR

      Bella Nina 

      6 years ago from USA

      Vincent ~ just tell me this please, tell me, where does the love go? Where do I put it? I don't know what to do with it. I am here, where I still am, trying to figure out where the love goes. If I live to be 1,000 years old, I don't think I will figure it out.

      Thank you for reading, and for commenting. I am humbled since I hold your work in such high esteem. Thank you so much.

    • profile image

      Vincent Moore 

      6 years ago

      This brilliant write is so gut wrenching and raw. I feel the pain, anger, bitterness and know that I am so happy to be unloved. I loved deeply, I gave it all I had, it never was enough. Now my best times are spent with a woman when she wants to be with me and me with her, separate places, no comittments, no intrusions on each others spaces, therefore no broken hearts to leave behind. A full understanding, full disclosure, lust and love combined to make the perfect harmony of souls when together. I wish you well, I pray that you are free from this Hell you scribe here. Hugs

    • Bella Nina profile imageAUTHOR

      Bella Nina 

      6 years ago from USA

      Thank you Sueswan. Sometimes we need people to tell us we deserve better, because sometimes we forget that for ourselves. Thanks for reading, I appreciate that so much. To be heard through the written word is uplifting in itself.

    • profile image

      Sueswan 

      6 years ago

      Hi Bella Nina

      So much pain and hurt in your words. You deserve so much better.

      Voted up and awesome.

    • Bella Nina profile imageAUTHOR

      Bella Nina 

      6 years ago from USA

      Thank you everyone for reading, and for your comments. I appreciate it very much.

    • mackyi profile image

      I.W. McFarlane 

      6 years ago from Philadelphia

      This is deep, and is indeed reality! This is exactly the kind of game that is often played by many women and men alike on the playground that we label as "Love." They want something that is a part of you, but they don't want the "Whole you"!

    • Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

      Gypsy Rose Lee 

      6 years ago from Riga, Latvia

      Voted up and awesome. Ouch could feel the pain. People like that are not worth it. Just squash them in the dirt and move on. You're much better than they will ever be.

    • Dr Billy Kidd profile image

      Dr Billy Kidd 

      6 years ago from Sydney, Australia

      Don't want to touch nobody, don't want to be touched,

    • writer20 profile image

      Joyce Haragsim 

      6 years ago from Southern Nevada

      You have an amazing story about (your life) maybe this isn't really you but it sound that way.

      Vote up and awesome, Joyce.

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