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What Men Really Want...

Updated on June 6, 2014
Elaine Flowers profile image

Elaine Flowers is the co-author of "So... How Was Your Date? Dating Chronicles Of Single Men and Women" and the author of five other titles.


An Independent or a Self-sufficient Woman?

The bold statement of being an Independent Woman has died down a bit but the atmosphere of the movement hasn’t. “I can buy my own drink. I can pay my own bills. And I can take care of that other need (truth be told, better than you can) if need be.”

Interestingly enough, there were and are many men turned off by the ideology of the new millennium woman. Yes, real men still want to be needed and desired, and are not looking for a pass on taking care of their women. That is one blurred line they are not interested in.

What Men Want Is a Self-sufficient Woman.

That woman who who is not broke, busted and disgusted by her lack of funds. You know, that woman whose theme song is Ain’t Nothing Going On But the Rent. No one, including women, want to be used but we all want to be valued and cherished. And the independent woman finds very little, if any, value in a man.

So, what’s the difference between the independent woman and the self-sufficient woman, you ask?

Not the "Independent" Woman...

To go along with the, “I can pay my own bills so I don’t need a man for anything” mantra that the independent woman is chanting, is usually a stank attitude to boot. She wants to make all of her own decisions and the idea of teaming up with a man and getting his input is offsetting to her. She thinks that all men are only interested in bringing her down so she stays on the defensive. She’s hard and presents herself as a man’s equal, giving herself masculine qualities.

The self-sufficient woman can, however, take care of herself financially but would welcome a man to come along and join forces with her to build a life. She works and is a good financial planner. She takes care of her appearance and appreciates when a man notices. The self-sufficient woman never equates herself to men and she isn’t confused about her femininity. Yes, she can take herself to dinner. Yes, her bills are paid and she may even own her own home. However, she would have no problem relinquishing control to her man. And she sees herself as an asset and not a liability in a relationship.

Do Men Know the Difference Between the Two?

You bet they do! Any self-sufficient man is wise enough to know which of the two women he can build a life with and which of those women will have something to offer as well as appreciate what he has to offer. So ladies, before you think that a man is celebrating your independence when high-fiving you and cheering you on when you say you can do it your damn self, what he’s really doing is taking that cue to move on to the woman who values his presence.


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    • tazzytamar profile image


      4 years ago from chichester

      This is so true! Men love to be needed by their woman and I think they can feel a little threatened by a woman who can do everything AND be the bread-winner in a relationship. Maybe they feel emasculated by it? Anyway, very well written! Pinned!

    • Elaine Flowers profile imageAUTHOR

      Elaine Flowers 

      4 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      Yes, Catrina! I think Destiny's Child (one example) had us all thinking that being independent was the way to be. And maybe it is for some. But trying to see it from man's point of view, how he may view that, gives you a different perspective.

      I hope you find that "right" someone else :-)

    • profile image


      4 years ago

      Great article. Have always thought of myself as an independent woman until reading your point of view. Now most def would say im self sufficient because yes i do still need a man and would gladly welcome someone else taking some of this load. The "right" someone else that is!!!

    • Elaine Flowers profile imageAUTHOR

      Elaine Flowers 

      4 years ago from Dallas, Texas

      DashingScorpio, that is very well said and I think you're correct on most of your post. And how can I argue with a man on what men want? Maybe some of this depends on the age group (financial position, notwithstanding) but men certainly want to be needed and not used. Men with lots of money, but not much else to offer (looks, stamina), may not mind being an ATM.

    • dashingscorpio profile image


      4 years ago

      I believe most men could care less whether a woman is a doctor or a restaurant hostess. Generally speaking we do not have the same "shopping list" for a mate that women have. Most men are not looking to be taken care of. However at the same time we are not looking to be obviously used.

      Having said that I would say most guys look for the following:

      Physical attraction, Personable (easy going) personality, Great sense of humor, and have the ability to flirt (subtly) to show she is interested in him. Likability is much more important than her income or career.

      Basically if a guy does not enjoy being around a woman he could care less about her being independent/self-sufficient. Those are traits for her own self-esteem. If a guy is crazy about a woman he doesn't mind bending over backwards to provide for her even in this day and age.

      The mail order bride business is also booming right now with guys ready to shell out several thousands of dollars for a women who has little more than the clothes on their back.

      I can't imagine (successful women) spending loads of cash to pursue men around the world who had no finances.


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