What To Do If Your Neighbours Are Bogans
There is nothing worse than that sinking feeling you get when you realise bogans have moved in next door. They won’t shut up, clean up or leave you alone.
But there are a few things you can do to make your life easier (and theirs harder) without resorting to setting their house alight or hiring a gang of bikies to deal with them.
Sorting out issues with bogans can involve a minefield of disturbance if you follow the usual protocol of talking to them or interacting with them in any other way but anonymously. Your presence is best unnoticed by them for your own peace of mind.
What Is A Bogan?
A bogan is a person with a lack of manners, respect and education. The word "bogan" is derogatory Australian slang - in the USA, bogans are like hillbillies.
Bogans are usually low grade socio economic people who are lazy, unsophisticated idiots.
They aren't interested in improving themselves and can be irritating nuisance neighbours. Some people think they should be transported to the local tip so they can live their lives in surroundings that are more appropriate to their needs.
Are Your Neighbours Bogans?
Here are a few of the telltale signs:
- There is an old caravan/tent/shipping container or other structure in their backyard and someone appears to be living in it.
- You hear loud domestic arguments involving yelling and screaming.
- There is a lot of rubbish and/or hoarding of junk, and the place could be more accurately defined as a settlement instead of a house.
- They like to own big hairy yapping or barking dogs, which either keep you awake at nights from the noise or escape the settlement and terrorise the neighbourhood regularly.
- They may have crying babies who never seem to stop crying. They also have a huge collection of decrepit prams.
- They may have screaming children who kick fences, stay up very late or like to spy on you and who seem to play on disgusting, broken down play equipment.
- They have moody teenagers with noisy cars that never move off the lawn. Or they’re into motorbikes that they like to run at 1am.
- You can hear them constantly throwing tinnies and spirit bottles into their bins.
- They love to hold loud parties and BBQs late at night, which involve lots of yelling, shouting, loud music, dogs barking, bonfires, motorbikes and more tinnies being thrown into bins.
- Bogans provide the right conditions for breeding plagues of vermin, which start invading your property after a few months.
- If they mow the lawn, it isn't very often.
The Bogan Personality
Bogans think they are poverty stricken, and they ARE, because they spend all their money on cigarettes, alcohol, fast food, loud parties, keeping large dogs and building half finished renovation structures.
They often have big construction and renovation plans that never get completed, and these are allowed to remain in an untidy heap or half finished (usually without council approval) as an eyesore to remind them that they’ll get round to finishing it one day. That day will never come.
Bogans always seem to be having a rough life and the reason for this is their disorganisation. You can be sure that if their house or yard is a mess that they are also dealing with overdue bills, accidents that could’ve been avoided, intermittent employment issues, parking and speeding fines, unwanted pregnancies, drug problems, domestic violence and so on. In other words, all the things you don’t want in your life.
These people have a chip on their shoulder and are fiercely protective of their beliefs, particularly if they are unreasonable or ridiculous beliefs that they’ve hung on to for far too many years.
Anyone who interrupts their daydreams or questions their lifestyle can expect an over-the-top retribution, which may range from graffiti and damage to your property, to poisoned pets, violence threatened against you and rubbish thrown over your fence.
What Councils Recommend
When you phone your local council to complain about the barking dogs/the mess/the illegal structures/the noise etc, your council will probably advise you to go and have a little chat with these people, in a friendly, neighbourly type of way.
What the council doesn’t understand is that these people are angry and unreasonable idiots, usually with mental problems and that their first reaction is to get angry and retaliate, should anyone try to talk to them.
The council assumes that they will listen and reason with you, which is a big mistake. They won’t. Otherwise they would have paid attention to the hundreds of other people before you, who have no doubt also tried to assist them in seeing the error of their ways.
It is not advisable to approach bogans directly, for two reasons.
Firstly, bogans already have a chip on their shoulder, so they think you are part of the wider world which has it in for them. If you reach out, you will be the one they remember when they feel angry about the neighbourhood because you were the silly one who introduced yourself when everyone else laid low.
Secondly, bogans are fiercely protective of their perceived “rights”. Anyone who questions these can expect a raging argument, followed by unsavoury behaviour or clan wars towards you that can carry on for months or even years.
The best way to contact a bogan about an issue is not to contact them in person at all.
A good approach is to simply type an anonymous letter from a “concerned resident of the area”, stating the issue, advice on how to fix it and thanking them very much for doing so.
Drop it in their mailbox when no one is home and give it a few days to work. If nothing improves during a reasonable timeframe, then contact the council for action. Tell the council your concerns about potential violence being inflicted on you and your property and see what they offer.
Other Potential Solutions
If the council will not help without causing a big fuss about you meeting the bogans and (unwisely) introducing your issue with them to them, then more drastic action may be needed.
You can remove yourself from the situation or try to remove the bogans from your view.
- You can ignore the bogans or put up a huge high fence to block them out. You may even want to invest in your own shipping container, which can be placed near the bogan fence and be turned into a useful gardening shed.
- You can move house, if you are tired of living there anyway.
- You can rent out your house to someone else and make it their problem.
What type of bogan problem do you have?
What To Do If You Feel Angry
Revenge is a dish best served effectively, so here are some ideas to return the favour and give the bogans a taste of their own medicine, while alleviating your rage:
- Throw loud parties at night, inviting all your friends to come and have an alcoholic relaxation session in the backyard at your place. Put on some deafening music that you know your bogan neighbours will hate when everyone’s drunk. But only play one loud song, followed by some quiet time, then repeat. This avoids cops being called to your house and guarantees the bogans get less sleep.
- Do a house swap for a few weeks with a musician. Tell the musician they can play their instrument anytime and anywhere, especially in the garden.
- Honk your car horn in the wee hours of the morning if you drive past their house.
- Borrow some large, noisy dogs and encourage them to bark by leaving them outside at night.
- Borrow some kids and encourage them to climb and peer over the fence and to see what the neighbours are doing and report it to you.
- Pay or bribe or volunteer for a moody teenager you know to organise a large all-night house party with their friends in your backyard.
- Do your weeding and throw the weeds over the bogan fence.
- Collect a bucket of vermin, kill it and dump it on the bogan's front doorstep.
- Collect your junk mail for three months. Then post it in the bogan mailbox.
- Bogans like to sleep in, so start up your mower at the earliest legal hour on the weekend or after they’ve had one of their parties.
- Learn to play the drums – as close as possible to the bogans for maximum noise impact!
- If all else fails, you can always write a funny blog diary about life near the bogans. Take photos of their mess and describe their antics as a genuine true story. Circulate it online.
DISCLAIMER: Please note that these are only suggestions and the author will not be held liable for any consequences arising from these actions.
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© 2014 Suzanne Day