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How To Lose Your Woman in 4 Easy Steps

Updated on August 9, 2015
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NOTE: Let me begin by saying that this article is purely meant as a satire and cautionary tale, and in no way intends to offend any of the genders or undermine romantic relationships.

With complete honesty and candour, I will list some sure-shot ways to drive away your female partner.

  • As a man, you can consider these as cautionary measures to avoid the very common mistakes committed in relationships.

  • If you are woman, you can use these points as a check-list to see if your partner really deserves your love.

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1. Be Completely Selfish and Inconsiderate

What better way to drive the woman away than to subject her to extreme selfish behaviour for a reasonably long period of time. Some women are more tolerant than others. But eventually, everyone has their limit.

Here are a few sure-fire ways to piss her off:

  • Every time she tries to make you do some house chore, no matter how simple it is, disappear from the place. Or just pretend that you cannot hear her over the deafening noise of the TV.

  • Make sure to forget her birthday or your marriage anniversary. When she reminds you with indignation, you can get her a really crappy present, like a weighing machine. Yes, weighing machine is a terrible present for your partner. It is a direct way of saying that you find her fat.

  • Each time she makes an evening plan for both of you, cancel at the last minute saying you got stuck at work. Or even better, when you get her impatient call, tell her that you had completely forgot about the plan and now you are with your beer buddies.

  • Be a complete narcissist, make everything about you and nothing about her. Act like the world revolves around you and pretend that all her actions are governed based on your opinions. Maybe you don't have to act at all since it may be your true nature. Everything else may fail, but narcissism is sure to succeed, if you want to see her go screaming with frustration and anger.

2. Show Her Indifference

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Every woman likes an attentive man, especially when she cares deeply for that man. Your lady obviously got used to your undivided attention, at least initially. That is how you would have managed to woo her successfully in the first place. Now that the ground is ready, you can begin your antics of emotional torture by depriving her of that attention.

  • Be indifferent to her when she speaks to you about anything. Pretend that you are pre-occupied with something else.

  • Respond with dismissive shrugs or "yeah, anything is okay" without looking at her. Lack of eye contact shows that you are disinterested in whatever she has to say or you are avoiding her, both of which are sure to rattle her.

  • When in the company of friends, focus all your attention entirely on the others and ignore her explicitly. Of course, if you go to the extent of constantly disagreeing with her at every opportunity, you will easily hit the jackpot.

Let me assure you this, lack of attention will ensure that she goes seeking for it elsewhere. It could be with her other female friends or those male friends who could be her potential (and hopefully better) future partner.

3. Play The Jealousy Card

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A very common weapon in the relationship equation is jealousy.

As a man, you might have attempted to get the attention of your woman by flirting with other women in front of her. This can also work in the reverse direction.

  • If you are a complete jack-ass, you can control and manipulate her feelings towards you by staring at other women in your vicinity, while she watches.

  • Shower lots of praises on other women in front of her, comment on how hot a girl at your office looks.

  • Talk a lot about a female colleague at your work. That is bound to get her jealous.

  • Constantly like and comment specific women's photos or status updates on social media.

  • Of course, if she is mature enough, she will see right through your game and will realize how petty and immature you are.

  • On the other hand, if she has developed a very low self-esteem, most probably because you have already been tormenting her with the first 2 steps, her self-esteem will plummet even further till it reaches rock bottom.

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Whichever way it goes, eventually she will realize that you are terrible for her self-image and that the only way to salvage her pride is to dump you and find someone more human.

Mission accomplished!!

Just remember, the jealousy game is a dangerous game, with risks of collateral damage.

For all you know, your woman may turn out to be an evolving psycho in disguise and might finally decide to give you the punishment you deserve!

4. Lies, Hypocrisy and Cheating

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If all the above steps have failed, lies and hypocrisy will come to your rescue and help you drive away the woman who so relentlessly and stupidly hopes that you will change for the better.

  • Lie at every possible opportunity and make sure that your lady catches you. When confronted, show no remorse and try to turn the tables on her. If you are a psycho, that should be an easy job for you.

  • Party late night or simply pretend to be partying while she patiently waits for you at home. However, when she tries to do the same, make outrageous accusations on her so that she can see your double standards.

  • Ensure to talk a lot about your many female friends at work and how close they are to you, till she gets annoyed and angry. However, if she talks about her male colleagues, show impatience and disinterest in what she has to say.

  • Take false credit for her achievements in front of others, so that she witnesses your complete lack of integrity.

  • Cheating is of course the worst thing you can do to break your woman's heart and make her feel really unworthy and undesirable.

If this step fails as well and your lady has still refused to leave the devil that is you, she must be mentally retarded. There is simply no other explanation.

Does Your Partner Use Any of the Above Tactics with You?

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Reasons Why You Read This Article

If you are a man, there are 4 reasons why you have been reading this article:

  • You are eager to break up with your partner and don't know how to do it.

  • You are curious to find out if you have been unknowingly doing any of the aforementioned things and thus unintentionally driving your partner away.

  • You are not in a relationship but curious to know how a woman's mind works.

  • You are a psycho who already knows the above tactics and have probably mastered the art long back. But you are just reading anyway, just to check if someone else knows the same amazing tactics that you do.

If you are a woman, then you have been reading this for 2 reasons:

  • You want to recall how many of these tactics your partner has used with you, I really hope that he hasn't. If he has used 3 or more of these, you may want to reconsider your future with him.

  • You are curious to know how a guy's mind works. Remember though that not every guy thinks this way - only those handful of undeserving jerks who taint the image of the male community to execute their petty mind games.

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    • temptor94 profile image
      Author

      Ritu Temptor 2 years ago from India

      Thank you Wendi :) It is indeed ridiculous how many people commit these mistakes and yet expect things to go smoothly :P

    • lyoness913 profile image

      Wendi Pembridge Skilling 2 years ago from Overland Park, KS

      Funny article- because most of the things are, ridiculously, true. :)

      -Wendi

    • temptor94 profile image
      Author

      Ritu Temptor 2 years ago from India

      Thank you Molly for reading and commenting. Glad that you liked it :)

      And thanks for letting me know about the watermark issue, I wasn't aware of it, will remove that image right away.

    • Molly Layton profile image

      Molly Layton 2 years ago from Alberta

      This is hilarious. I love the bit about ignoring your woman.

      Just so you know, you aren't allowed to have images with huge watermarks on them - it's a legal liability. There are plenty of places to find royalty-free stock photos of couples.