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What Women Need to Understand About Men With Kids
The man has a kid...
In our day and age it's unfortunate but true that many people in the dating world already have a child. For that matter, we're at an all-time high of people coming out of high school or college with a child already. But whether you're dating someone that already has a child, or you've already married him and this is a source of strain in your marriage, I hope I can help resolve the underlying current that plagues most relationships when a child is involved.
I'm not directing this article at men, because it tends to be the women in the relationships that create all the drama. But in case there are men out there reading this, I will add something in there for you guys as well.
Ladies, before you even go out there to meet men, you must determine if this is something you can maturely deal with. If you choose to date a man that already has a child, you need to remember that this was your choice, and act accordingly. Many times women forget their place in this part of the relationship and it creates waves that not only affect the relationship with each other, but also affects the child, who is really just an innocent bystander.
So the first thing you need to know is that if you get involved with a man who already has a kid, you are to love that child the way you would your own flesh and blood. This is regardless of what this man has told you about his ex and your opinion of her. This is regardless of how the child may act towards you and treat you. If you don't think you can truly do this, you have no business dating a man that has a child already.
The second thing you need to keep in mind is that you probably only know his side of the story of why things didn't work out between them. Most men won't tell you what they did wrong, and few have the ability to even see the truth about themselves. So just because this man tells you all sorts of stories about this woman who has his child, keep in mind that it takes 2 people for every relationship to be successful, and 2 people for it to fail. It can't possibly be all her fault. And if she's cold and heartless and creates problems, it could just be something that she is jusitified in. Let his problems with her stay his problems with her. There's not room for your opinions in those matters.
If this woman is extremely hateful towards you and treats you very poorly, forgive her. Chances are you don't really know the whole story of what happened in the relationship. You don't know ho many times this man may have said he wanted to get back together and then left her hanging for someone else. You don't know for sure if he's diligent in paying his child support. You don't know their past and their history, so be kind, compassionate and understanding. Put yourself in her shoes and then just forgive. The kinder you are to her, the less ammunition she will have to use against you. Be the better person. This will only cause your man to care for you even more as he will see the goodness that's truly in you.
If you are a woman who has a child with a man you are not married to (either never married or now divorced), be aware of how your words and actions affect your child. It doesn't matter why you and the father are not together anymore. Leave the past in the past and look forward to your future. The more pleasant you are toward him, the better dad you will have for your child. Don't use this child as a way to punish and reward him. And don't take it out on the new girlfriend or wife that your relationship didn't work out. Chances are she's unaware of the whole story. Usually she's not out to hurt you and the nicer you are to her, the better she will treat your child. Learn to separate your feelings toward your child's father and what went wrong in the relationship from the actual fact that he is your child's father.
Men...you have the ability to control this much better than you realize. It all comes down to honesty. If you are honest with the ex-wife or ex-girlfriend and you are honest with the new girlfriend then you should be able to minimize most of the drama in this situation. Let go of your pride long enough to see where you could have been a better man in the situation. Don't put all your blame for the failed relationship on the other person, but be honest with yourself about why things went sour. Listen to your children and what they say about the new girlfriend and the way she treats them when you're not around. If there is anything they say is not on the up and up, confront it immediately. Don't blame every bad quality your child has on his/her mother. Don't badmouth your ex to your new girlfriend. And treat everyone with respect. You will find that your relationships with everyone will be improved.
If we can all learn how to live the Golden Rule, imagine how much better our relationships will be. You are only hurting yourself when you allow hate to rule your heart, when you hold on to past wrongs, or when you sit in judgment of other people. And not only are you hurting yourself, but you truly are destroying the relationships around you. Let go of the past, learn to forgive, be kind to others and you will find that you will not have nearly the amount of problems that you used to have.