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What Women Want: Busting the 50 Shades of Grey Myth

Updated on February 27, 2013

Shades of Desire... What Are YOU Looking For?

Fantasy sells books, but it's not realistic.
Fantasy sells books, but it's not realistic.
Hey girl... heard you needed a man. Oh, `scuse me, "want" a man.
Hey girl... heard you needed a man. Oh, `scuse me, "want" a man.
In the end, we want a guy who will be there for us.
In the end, we want a guy who will be there for us.

Do You Know What You're Looking For?

What is with the Fifty Shades of Grey that has everyone all up in arms and nervous about sexual desire? Oh, please, like it's a mystery that women fantasize about a guy whisking her away or throwing her down on the kitchen table just to "have her."

Old news.

And now I'm seeing a backlash of men revolting against the words of E.L. James in her most fantastic version of desire and dating I've ever read. I mean, I rolled my eyes so often reading her books, I was afraid they might fall out of my head and roll away.

What do women want?

Lots of things, actually. Don't worry-- it's not that complicated (at least for us evolved women). Like men, we want to be appreciated for our good deeds. Yes, we cook, bake, caress, kiss and encourage those around us. Cut us some slack.

We don't want riches.

That is, not the gold-digging type. Yes, we do exist. We won't be flashing our acrylic nails, plumped up enhancements (lips, breasts, hair or other attachments), or sporting our BEBE tops glistening with rhinestones to mesmerize you. We may not even be the size 2 models you see wearing the Victoria's Secret outfits in the media. But we have a heart of gold that you can't "cash out" when your chips are down. If you're a smart investor, you'll recognize our types right away.

We aren't looking for the CEO who has model looks and wants to whip us silly.

That's silly, really. I read the kind of things Christian Grey liked to do, and how willing Anastasia Steele was willing to give up herself, and it all seems so... SILLY! I'm at the age where I know what a puppet show is, I've seen the strings, and I'm not impressed by false facades. I've also made it my life's passion to encourage women to find their voice, seek their dreams and not "give in" to men for any superficial reasons. Really, what did Christian "do" for love? Be really, really "good looking?" Be moody? (Yuck). Own a billion-dollar company at 27 and still make time to work out regularly while he's helping to save the world? Oh, no... there goes my eyes again...

About the whipping, spanking and other uninhibited pleasures...

Let's just get this straight: I'm forty and proud of my years going through life experiences. I've pretty much opened the gates to everything (well, with a few criminal exceptions). It's only because I've been through so much in life and have come to a place of peace in my life that I can open up this way. I'm sorry but an early-20's virgin will not go from inexperienced dork to sex goddess over night. Trust me on this. Sorry, E.L. James, but this is where you lost me.

We want to be ravished.

Yes, we want the physical desire to take over and be grabbed, forced down on the couch/bed/table/floor, etc. but only if you get the green light from our actions that we're "ready." Foreplay is a lengthy tango of emotions swaying back and forth in a melodious segue of pleasure. You should be able to tell the difference between interest and LUST. If you've been "friend-zoned," you should not try the above mentioned attacks (unless you don't mind the police showing up at your door with guns drawn).

And for goodness sakes, we want you to stick around-- thick and thin.

That's right. Even if there's no official walk down the aisle, we want to know our man will be there for us. That means, if we're hurling up chunks in the toilet, please hold our hair back and wait for us to finish. A glass of water afterward is a nice touch. We will be there for you in the best of times, including your team winning the all-stars, Superbowl or whatever they call that stuff, and just the same we'll support you when your boss tells you to take a hike, your dog kicks the bucket or you stubbed your toe. What do we expect in return? Don't disappear when we have mother nature visit us for six days out of the month, or when you see us wear an unattractive shade of blue eyeshadow, or cry when we've lost hope in the kindness of our fellow humans (at least in that moment of the day, while mother nature is beckoning us).

So there you have it. We don't need a gorgeous CEO who cares about the world and saves us from every peril that life throws our way. And no, we won't give up our freedom, independence or our voice to be your sex slave, baby-girl, or any other "arrangement" that makes you comfortable-- that is, if you value our opinion, and know what it means to truly "care" about your partner.

Christian Grey sounds good in fiction, but I'm smart enough to know that his type are more likely to be narcissistic, domineering and manipulative in relationships. Thanks, but I'd rather get my kicks on Route 66. Or somewhere near El Porto. I like the crowd there.


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    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      Great points, savvydating! I did watch that movie, although my memory of it is hazy. I know I was married when I watched it and commented as soon as Diane Lane got into the car that it was going to become "cheating."

      My qualm with the 50 Shades story is that I can see through the writer's perspective. She's a middle aged woman, has found her inner goddess and can toss her inhibitions when it comes down to being passionate. I know that what she feels is NOT indicative of twenty-something virgin college women. I also thought it was silly that she went from no sex to sex vixen in her first experience. Clearly, if she was a curious type of woman, she would have tried things out by her 20's. I'm not into S & M, nor am I turned on by pain. But I don't knock others for exploring. I absolutely agree with your comment about porn ruining relationships, both by sharing intimacy aside from your significant other and second, it has caused men to become lousy lovers (both having difficulty pleasing a woman in real life/being able to climax inside a woman and they are more likely to think what they see in porn is what you should do-- no, no, NO!). I could go on, but we have to keep it clean for hubpages. Thanks for stopping by and leaving your insightful comments!

    • savvydating profile image

      Yves 4 years ago

      Hi wonderful1. I love your writing style. I must say, your hubs are never boring. You would indeed make a good writer for a women's magazine, as epigramman stated. I have not read Fifty Shades of Grey, but I did see an interview with the author, so I am familiar with the gist of the story.

      I do think that dashingscorpio and Not Mr. John Smith have a point. There are some women who really want all this S & M stuff... and men too. This brings to mind a scene from Unfaithful (not an S & M film), where the young lover told his married lover to slap him (primarily because she was afraid of being unfaithful.) He told her to do this so that she could be released of her inhibitions. This gave them a reason to "wrestle" and get on with some passionate lovemaking. It was a great scene. My point is that everyone is looking for "enough" sexual passion, and one way or another they will figure out how to get it, or they will die repressed. S & M seems kind silly to me, and I am dead set against pornography, which I believe is keeping men from having meaningful relationships with real women. But mostly, I would think that S & M is probably something that is done out of mutual consent and which does not necessarily inflict debilitating pain. If it does, then that's just plain sick. Anyhoo, I guess I didn't really make a point, but I wanted to interject that I agree, as you mentioned, that women do want to be ravished once in a while, but what percentage of women want it in a Fifty Shades sort of way, I don't know. Hopefully, not that many, but who knows.

      By the way, if you haven't seen Unfaithful, I recommend it. It's a good movie about sexual desire, but not in a graphic or sleazy way. There is almost no nudity. (And Olivier Martinez is Hot!) Frankly, that's my idea of being properly "ravished."

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      I'm glad you liked it, AmandaJon, thanks!

    • AmandaJon profile image

      Amanda Jones 4 years ago

      A thoughtful and informative Hub. Thanks for sharing! Voted up and useful.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 4 years ago from Southern California

      That's sad to read. Sorry.

    • profile image

      Michael 4 years ago

      Not all women want to be thrown down on the kitchen table. Some just want to lay on their backs, in bed, that's all.

    • Viva Jones profile image

      Viva Jones 5 years ago from UK

      You are so, so right on every point! I loathed the impression the book gave that a woman will agree to pretty much anything if the guy's rich and good looking enough. Thank you for writing this - voted up and awesome!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Great points, Nell, and I'm going to look into the authors you mentioned for my next trip to the library-- thanks!

    • Nell Rose profile image

      Nell Rose 5 years ago from England

      Lol! bravo! seriously I have never read the drivel that is fifty shades, so how do I know its drivel? saw the reviews, read a tiny bit etc, and to be honest it was pathetic. I love the kresley cole books, and richel mead, who have loads of erotic stuff in their books but the women are vampires wherewolves and succubus! lol! they are in charge even though the guys think they are! and the one thing about them the best? Humor! has to have humor or else they are a waste of time, nell

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Okay, good then, TycoonSam! Use the knowledge wisely. ;)

    • TycoonSam profile image

      TycoonSam 5 years ago from Washington, MI

      Thank God it's that simple!

      Voted up and useful

    • profile image

      Not John Smith 5 years ago

      You know, Sheila, part of being a hot, young, sexy thing is being sexually adventurous. Older women almost never want to do fetish fantasies with me. They are ashamed and inhibited, for the most part.

      While hot young girls love to live out their hidden desires and grab wildly at any chance they have to do that. You might want to consider this, if you intend to project the image of being young and wild and carefree.

      “God, I’ve been such a bad girl this week! You probably need to just spank me good for that, huh?” you tease.

      That’s how young girls ask, for what they want. They do other things too. Dirty, filthy things that I can’t even begin to mention here, on the internet.

      But, asking for spankings is a good start, for you. I think you are too ashamed though. You said nothing about my previous comment. As you read it, you blushed. Ashamed, of your own desires, I guess. Most older women feel that exact same way.

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks, Epi-- your words are too kind and spoken from a man with a golden heart. I think your comments made my year, actually. In my passion and endeavors, I seek to find understanding-- a way to build a bridge between us so we can get along harmoniously. If I can help others in any way to get to that place, I will feel very accomplished.

      Thanks for stopping by and sharing your inner glow. You're awesome!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 5 years ago

      Well Sheilia you write with the vim and the vigor and the nerve and the verve and the swerve of a world class journalist - and if you wrote for a magazine like Cosmopolitan you would no doubt give the editorial staff a gift of your vast writing talents (as in evidence here in your pride and passion) and also elevate them with your journalistic integrity.

      The whole impression with me in terms of being a man is one key thing:

      to listen and to be respectful and honest to all women in terms of communication. Hence the need for any man to see/read how the other half lives so to speak. Often in my writing I write first person pronoun as a woman and I actually find it quite liberating indeed because life is a learning process and it's good to learn something new each day - especially between the sexes.

      Sending you sincere warm wishes and good energy from Colin and his cats Tiffy and Gabriel at lake erie time ontario canada 4:33pm

    • profile image

      Not John Smith 5 years ago

      This 50-shades series is successful because virtually all women want a sexually aggressive man to dominate them. It’s just that simple.

      I do this stuff, spankings and assorted fetishes. I get a lot of married women who sneak away and confide that their husband is simply too passive and too unsure of himself to ever do what they long for most.

      You tell me, because you are a woman!

      You call me on the phone, and set up a meeting. You wait for me anxiously. Your nervous anticipation has your stomach filled with butterflies. Most women are typically trembling, and quite aroused, just from the mere thought of what they are about to do. And, it plays out exactly as she always dreamed it would. I explain that she will be getting her ass paddled really well. Expect that, I say. And, you will be helpless, because your hands will be tied behind your back, with your ankles to the corners of the bed, too. Over a huge stack of pillows, under your hips. Your ass will be high the air, and you will feel extremely submissive and under my control. I’ll sit in your car and tell you all of this. Just the way that say this, the commanding tone of voice, will leave you so weak and wet that you won’t be able to even stand up.

      You can only imagine what it’s like to play this out. In the room, I’m laughing as I rip the sheet into long strips. I tie your hands behind you and take you over to the sink vanity quite aggressively. You get lots of foreplay, as you watch yourself in the mirror, as if you are not already so aroused that you simply cannot stand it. When you finally get placed over the pillows quite aggressively, you are so filled with emotions that you cannot even speak anymore.

      The spanking is gentle, of course, because most women are little beginners. But, that does not matter, because the thought of what she is doing is so exciting that her climax is overwhelming and intense. Easily the most exciting thing that most women have ever done in their entire lives.

      You’d have to be out of your mind to not understand why this is so exciting to so many women!

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Oh, gosh, you nailed that one, Kevin! I know exactly who buys this sort of drivel-- it's the same kind that wrote the book. I could read between the lines and knew everything about the woman before I looked her up and my suspicion was confirmed. She's an educated, middle-aged woman who's sort of average in the looks dept, and must have been bored (and sex deprived) out of her mind when she had time to sit down and write those books. She's also the mother of two kids, but I can tell that her married life took a nose-dive once they entered the picture. How could I tell? Mostly because I live vicariously through my own experiences and I can tell "fake" fantasies in a heartbeat. When you are living your life passionately, unabashed by your sexuality, you can enjoy the stuff she writes about in real life-- although, it's not as wishy-washy "Prince Charming," my hero type stuff that the author rides on. It's really just a knock off of the Twilight series that was also written by (what I assume) is a bored housewife who uses fantasy to fill up her uneventful life.

      Thanks for visiting and hugs all around to you peeps!

    • dashingscorpio profile image

      dashingscorpio 5 years ago

      Very well written Hub. Voted up!

      However we must admit there must be (some) women that have these "fantasies" or else "Fifty Shades of Grey" would be lying on the bargain table in bookstores instead of being a "bestseller trilogy" about to be turned into movies! I also never believed women wanted to be caught in a love triangle with a vampire and werewolf either. lol!

      Of course living on a planet with 7 billion people means it only takes a very (small percentage) of them to make you rich and famous! :-)

    • wonderful1 profile image

      Sheila Varga Szabo 5 years ago from Southern California

      Thanks you guys! Glad to be a voice for strong women.

    • writinginalaska profile image

      writinginalaska 5 years ago from southeast Alaska

      Great Hug! E L James is F**ing clueless and her book is utter trash and poorly written at that. You hit the nail on the head!

    • wildove5 profile image

      wildove5 5 years ago from Cumberland, R.I.

      AMEN!!! Great hub!


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