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- Relationship Problems & Advice
What is a great relationship?
We have all come to a point in our lives where we have seen people laugh and smile together as we are walking, driving our cars, or going on the bus. We all want this attention and happiness.
What is the nature of this creature? What is it? It’s called having a great relationship. It's a bond that is created between you and the other individual. We do not consider this to be a normal arrangement because dysfunction amongst couples, families, and other group relationships exists. I think we have all come across our relationships that have brought us heartache, torture and extreme pain. As a reality, the agony that comes about and the existence of this issue are normal.
What we need to do is gain an awareness? I know I had my moments and brought this into my conscious mind. We must do this as humanity.
Are you ready?!! First we must touch on how we set up relationships before we move on the solutions.
- Make eye contact
- Get people excited about you.
What sets you up for a relationship?
It starts off with a simple interaction or relationship.
- Making of eye contact -The interaction can initiate with just a mere sight. Depending on how open you are in emotions and body language you can further your relationship.
- Observing a smile from your prospect- A smile is a perfect cue for you to step in and say hi, how are you? When you take this step, you take a step of finding out how they are feeling.
- Spiking prospect's interest- The other person feels the need to answer the hi how are you? because this stranger (you) wants to find out how they are feeling. They have an internal dialogue that says: Asking how you are is normal, but why did he ask me, a stranger. It creates curiosity. You know what they say curiosity killed the cat. When an incident like this happens, you feel the need to find why is he or she talking to me?
- Your plan of action- This part of the communication is where you reveal what is the purpose of starting the conversation. The conversation can go well or bad. This is where you play the question game. You have to be genuine when you ask; sound less like an interrogator. Attitude plays a big part in this step. It makes it easier for you to have a conversation with the person because they are attracted to your positivity. That is why you want to focus on keeping your emotions in check and to have remedial thoughts.
- Closing the interaction and setting up for a future conversation- From there, time and place filters if you want to have that conversation. If time does not allow it, you take the step of asking their number or email based on the conversation you had with them. Of course, the quality of your conversation qualifies if you take this additional step or not. Sometimes, a certain vibe (attitude) can help push you towards them even though you have not had a long enough conversation.
Making that initial connection
Do you look and smile at people?
Time and place can factor into trust.
The more specific are your time and place of interaction, the more you will be able to build your relationship because people want to view you how you really are. You have to remember relationship is built based on trust. If people understand you from every angle, then they will be able to know who you really are. The different angles factor into trust. From this, they will gain confidence in the understanding they had of you. A couple of permanent places would be at work, school, and in your neighborhood. If they see what they like, then there will be an attraction towards you.
Transparency as a formula
- YOU behind closed doors= YOU in front of the world.
- Try to minimize the difference between the two.
What factors into playing a part in building a relationship?
There are entities that play a part in building a relationship:
1. Transparency and Trust.
Transparency is when the person (you) behind your closed door is the same person in public. I understand that 100% transparency can be impossible because we are human beings and make errors.
This is an error that occurs between the two YOUs. Your job is to decrease this gap. Do whatever is possible to accomplish it. I know we, as human beings,have secrets. We tend to conceal certain things, so we are not harmed by outside people. We should still focus on minimizing these secrets.I know I work to increase my transparency. As we know more about each other and develop positive hope towards the person, we gain trust. When we do this, we reach a new level of self-realization.
The type of persona you portray can either pull people towards you or push them away from you. With attraction, you work smarter rather than harder building great relationships. Attraction is supported by attitude.
If you have a great attitude, then people want to be in your presence to get that positivity. Everybody wants positivity in his or her life. If you have a bad one, then it's game over. But if you mess up due to emotions of the moment, then it's still not over yet. First, you must clean up your mess and apologize before you move forward. Then you try again.
3. Mutual work
Both parties must put in some effort of understanding each other. We have to engage each other and find out each other's likes and dislikes. We start growing off of this platform of likes and dislikes. We find out each other's niches or hot spots. For example, if you just met someone, he or she will find out what food you like. Next, it is your turn to take that step. It’s almost like a dance. Each person moves a step forward. From there, you establish your ground or basis of your relationship. Now you want to find the hotspots amongst that topic. You want to find out what the other person likes. I tell her I love chili on baked potatoes, so she knows in her mind that I like it. This is what makes me click. I ask her and she says she is a vegetarian. She loves curried tofu with rice, so I know her hotspot. As this is done back and forth, we grow towards an ever-growing relationship. At the next meeting, we cater to restaurants of food we like. Or the next meeting can revolve around food that both parties have not tried yet and want to have a food journey together.
Initiative is the frosting on top of a relationship. This is where someone takes the first step. When someone leads, the other person follows. The other person feels the urge to initiate something too. This has a pendulum effect. Hence, it creates momentum, which keeps the relationship going.
The lack of information about each other can cause curiosity to find out more information about the other individual. Just as you knowing too much can build a relationship that can kill a relationship too. When you have too much information, you feel like you have figured out the person. Therefore, you do not have the urge to go after the person as badly as if you were still curious, which is especially the case in the dating world. Urge is directly proportional to mystery or curiosity. When you determine you know the person, your "learning ability" or student mentality is killed.
Out of the 5 factors, which one are you the strongest at?
The relationship is like a baby.
Before we find fault in others, we should find fault in ourselves. We must take care of this relationship like a baby. We have to feed, sleep and walk it like a baby. When we point out our flaws, people are less defensive to their own faults. People tend to follow this and want to set the right example. There are some individuals that actually misunderstand this type of thinking in the following way:
Me: I am sorry that I did this……. ( when in actuality its the other person's fault)
Other person: You say sorry a lot of times because you make a lot of mistakes.
conclusion : My thinking behind my action (my words) was that if I apologize, they would understand to reveal their own faults. By doing this, they would be less defensive, but they actually become arrogant.
solution:You want to take a step back from this situation and set the right statement into play. And you make them understand what's wrong. If they are stubborn, then separate yourself from them. You have to understand that all the right and painful steps you take are done for the positive vision of your relationship. This is the sleeping stage
Even that moment of solitude from the person allows you to reflect on yourself. You create a new-positive view of that person. You mentally find new ways to deal with that person. You understand what you need to fix from your end. You let your relationship rest. At this point, you are probably loving my baby metaphor.
How do we nourish it?
Which one of the two stages do you need to focus on?( In any case, if you tackle those stages, you move on to the walking stage.)
Please always have an open line of communication. Do not let your emotions fade out the true meaning of what others say. Catch your emotions in play. If you do not stop emotions, then you will never know what the person originally wanted to say.
I have seen this for myself. I have been at fault many times, but I work to understand the faults and how they can be dealt with next time. All in all, the uninterrupted conversations back and forth feed more information into the relationship.
Feeding and sleeping nourishes the relationship to become a great one. Hence, we move or walk forward past all our pitfalls or faults. It allows our relationship to walk.
Walking stage-great relationship
This is when both parties of the relationship play a part seeing a positive vision for their relationship. The great relationship is filled with humor, fun, trust and the ability of crushing negatives in a relationship. It is always great to understand the other person in the relationship.
More tools to help you with a great finish.
1. A sour face- the psychology
It happens that when we are conversing with other people you find them in a annoyed state of mind. To really understand them, you want to ask them how are they? They are not ignoring you, but dealing with their own negatives in life. You want to address their negatives and find the solution. You want to see positive vision of what's going to happen in the future as far as finances, assets and etc. goes.
2. A relationship is like a one-way alley: address the issue at the moment of happening:
We must address the conflicts or problems that both parties are having in a humanly way. At some point, I was made to believe that if I recalled certain problems, then I was focused on the past. Now, the real reason I would recall something would be to fix a problem, so that it does not reoccur. If you do not do that, your relationship will not grow. If people try to avoid you from having a conversation about the problem and not fixing it, then it is not your fault but theirs. They do not want to continue the conversation because they do not want to have the uncomfortable conversations. The more you go through uncomfortable conversations the more you get comfortable on the topic. People make excuses like: I'm having headache, I have to go to sleep, they put blame on your negative habit that has nothing to do with the conversation or any other reason to avoid you. This is their escape tactic from the progression of their relationship. You have to understand there is no room for excuses and it’s a one-way alley. The only way to progress is to address the issue. Guess what if you do not that, you will be stuck in the dark alley all alone.
What happens when it does not get resolved then?
The problem that was not really solved before shows up again either in your interaction or someone else's.
Are your views on any of these topics different?
3. Difference of opinions: Yes both people can be right!!!
We all know of times when both individuals in a relationship were right. But they still had conflicts with each other like they were wrong. When this happens, lets grab a bite and discuss what our opinions are. We should discuss why we think the way we do. As human beings, we should accept each other’s opinions because that's the ways it’s going to be. This is what separates us. Our perception is our reality. This is the driving force in our lives.