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What is considered gay and what isn't?

Updated on February 27, 2011

Denial, curiosity or hypocrisy?

Recently I've come across something that just.. frustrates me!. People sleeping with an individual of the same sex secretly and still denying that they are homosexual. I don't get it! As a lesbian woman, I find it a bit offensive. Is the homosexual lifestyle not good enough for you? I've come across some pretty strange people in my life. For instance, let's call him... Mike. Mike was/ is one of my best friends. Back in high school he told me that he wasn't sure of his sexuality. He admitted to being physically attracted to other guys and wanted to explore more of his curiosity. I introduced him to another gay friend of mine, let's call him... David. When they first met they hit it off right away. They had the same sense of humor, same interests and beliefs and even dressed alike. Of course, I was thrilled that I, for once was successful in matchmaking! Anyhow, they hung out every day for three months, went to the movies, and even... ya know, rocked the boat according to David. He and I thought all was going well and I thought Mike was content now that he had explored his curiosity. A couple of days later I asked Mike the question in these exact words, "Sooooo... are you gay now or what?" He didn't have an answer. I thought, "What's taking so long, it's a yes or no question!" Anyway, the very next day David calls me and tells me Mike broke it off with him. Long story short, Mike dumps David and immediately starts dating a girl. Of course I confronted him about it. He admitted that he felt complete with a man in a way he had never felt with a woman but also said that he was afraid that his family would not accept him. A couple of months later, we went to a barbeque at a friends house and our mutual guy friend made a gay joke about Mike. He got really upset and started saying how he'd never date a guy, it's disgusting, yada, yada, bullcrap. Of course I was ready to out this A-hole but knew it would turn ugly so I held my tongue until we were alone. His response? "Oh, uhh..well you know that thing with David didn't really count." Brain fart. Soo, you slept with a man, admitted your feelings for him and you're still gonna say it didn't count? It just baffles me. I understand if you're afraid of coming out because your family and friends won't accept you, blah, blah, blah. That's fine. If you want to stay a closet monster, fine. Stay in the closet and drown. But all I ask is one thing, Don't say that it "didn't count" when it did. Don't be a hypocrit. The only person you're lying to is yourself. So if you're wondering what happened with Mike, here's the 411. He broke up with the girl he was with, actually came out the closet to me and then jumped right back in. Now he's dating another girl. Come on, people. Another example is actually what happened to me. I'll shorten this up for you. I met a girl in college, we hit it off- She's straight. We spent a LOT of time together, become a "couple" secretely but 4 months into it she says, "I'm not a lesbian. I mean, I love our time together and I love you.. But I don't want to be considered a lesbian." The end. Here's a tip for all of you closet monsters out there, GROW UP. I don't care about your life story in how you were brought up, your religious beliefs, or whatever. They are just excuses. You can't just be gay because you feel like it one day, it's not like a jacket you try on. There are other people's feelings involved. Life is way too short to care about what other people think. Don't live to satisfy the needs of other people, you'll just end up miserable in the end. But you know that already so you don't need me to tell you. You just need reality to slap you HARD in the face. And I hope it does.

That's the end of my rant. Pretty random, I know. What sparked this topic? I was watching "For Colored Girls" and one of the characters was a lot like Mike. It was a great movie nonetheless :)


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    • Cheeky Girl profile image

      Cassandra Mantis 

      6 years ago from UK and Nerujenia

      This is a great hub! Coming out and the whole denial thing is a big issue. I became familiar with that whole "group think" thing in my teens. The whole "don't tell" issue. It is hard on gay people coming out. Their families have a lot to do with it. And friends. And then peers. Co-workers. ...

      I feel sorry for a woman who's guy is a secret gay guy. The best one can do is try and be understanding. Empathise with him. Let him know he has nothing to be afraid of. It's fear that makes the person not talk about it all.

    • juiwei2000 profile image


      6 years ago

      Whenever I see an emotional guy, I always make fun of him by calling him a "girly man" "Snow white" "sleeping beauty" "Cinderella" "Lisa" "Anna" "Fiona" "Kimberly" "Nancy" and then ask him "are you sure you are not gay? Because you seem pretty gay to me right now." Personally, I see very little of very emotional guy, I can't stand them. I normally refer to them as "sisies" I mean, I can't even stand, over emotional girls, let along over emotional guys.

    • xethonxq profile image


      6 years ago

      It's so tough when people struggle with their feelings and we can see the path they're on from a mile away. There are times when I wish I can ease the emotional trials and tribulations people put themselves through just to find themselves...but, alas...I cannot. Thanks for the hub atlovesbm!

    • atlovesbm profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Orange County, California

      @ Astra Nomik thank you for reading and for your input :)

    • Astra Nomik profile image

      Cathy Nerujen 

      7 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

      I have friends who face being disinherited by family or parents if they ever came out publicly. I can so relate to their situations. But they are still beautiful and loving people...I see both sides, and it breaks my heart thinking of the conflict these wonderful people are in.

      It's as though one half of the world is in fear of the other half...when there is nothing to really fear at all.

      I smiles at the "Duh" as you mentioned Ellen. LOL. In the UK there are people like Graham Norton and many others too. Oh Gaga is awesome. I love her. Thank you for the great hub.

    • atlovesbm profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Orange County, California

      @Astra Nomik: Im sure a lot of gay/lesbians went through denial and fear, I know I did! And I am happy to hear that you are out of the closet and happy :) Im kind of Glad that in the media now, there are people standing up for gay rights like Ellen, duh and Lady Gaga, etc.. But I agree with you on how things like this are viewed in other countries... I wish it will be different one day.

    • Astra Nomik profile image

      Cathy Nerujen 

      7 years ago from Edge of Reality and Known Space

      I spent several bad years denying my sexuality, until I just could no longer ignore it. My parents knew something was up, so did my friends. Denial is the first refuge of the scared generation. I can relate to it. I am out of the closet now, and happily thriving. Well kind of. LOL. And what is considered gay is whatever you are yourself, what you know ultimately to be true, and truth is 100% unavoidable.

      I feel sad to hear about guys and women denying their sexuality. I have some lesbian friends too terrified to come out.

      But the more open society is, and the more the subject can be spoken about and broached, then things can be better. It is hard to reverse hundreds of years of oppression in just a short span of time.

      The trend on Facebook for gay women who are "Not out" is to adopt a false name and photo / avatar, but still carry on as lesbians and have private settings on 24 hours. I know many who do just this. Indonesia is a Moslem country, second largest Facebook collective of users on the planet after USA. Lots of women who are hiding behind more than the veil.

      I am not knocking religion. I just wish things were not so this repression upon women....

    • atlovesbm profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Orange County, California

      @ PR Morgan: Thank you for your input. It's not that I cannot accept if someone is not sure about their feelings/sexuality. I guess what bothers me is the hypocrisy.. In this case, embracing a gay man and then is later in denial and lashes out through homophobic slurs/comments. That just doesn't sit well with me. Overall, I still love him and accept him no matter what.

    • PR Morgan profile image

      PR Morgan 

      7 years ago from Sarasota Florida

      I'm kind of surprised that someone that is gay would have so much trouble accepting that someone may not be sure about their feelings. I am sure some peoples feelings of attraction could waiver or change completely. I would accept your friend for who he is... a fence sitter or not.

    • profile image

      Click here 

      7 years ago

      great approach dear!

    • profile image

      win her back 

      7 years ago

      hi atlovesbm,

      Interesting and really well writing!

    • atlovesbm profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Orange County, California

      @crystoline: Glad you enjoyed it! And glad my rants were able to enlighten you :)

      @lookatmenow: Thank you for your input & for reading! I'm glad you enjoyed it.. hahaha and nice example on the Indian thing! I thought it was hilarious when I first read it ! I agree, people are just plain stupid sometimes. They don't think about the fact that they might have found LOVE and they don't see it that way.. All they think about is their pride or whatever... Hopefully they'll learn !

    • lookatmenow profile image


      7 years ago from Canada

      I totally LOVE this hub

      hahaha...i understand what you mean when you say you feel offended when clear homosexuals are denying they are homosexual (because they feel it is lower than human to be gay or something)

      its is EXTREMELY offensive...and i don't know how people don't realize...imagine if you were indian...and someone walked into the room...and maybe kind of looked indian..and someone came up to them and was like hey are you indian, you look kind of indian...and that person goes NO, I AM NOT INDIAN, ew WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT (punch) how offensive to indians is that...

      its really stupid that people are still afraid of a word that describes who you have sex with, not your masculinity, or femininity level, which are ridiculous to measure and care about anyways..

      ahh its 2011 people

    • crystolite profile image


      7 years ago from Houston TX

      Informative hub that enlighten me a lot on gay.nice hub and is real.

    • atlovesbm profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Orange County, California

      @d.william: Thank you! Yes, I agree that his actions and the actions of all of the "Mike's" out there are very selfish. They are obviously not considering anyone else's feelings but their own. I wish more people had your outlook on life :)

    • d.william profile image


      7 years ago from Somewhere in the south

      Awesome hub. And you hit the nail right on the head with the observation that people try to be something they are not, or hide who they really are, because they are trying to live their lives by someone elses standards. That kind of stupidity can cause nothing but pain and heartache. I still find it hard to believe that in this day and age we need to keep hashing over the same old crap. People need to just live their own lives and leave everyone elses alone. I have met a lot of "mikes" in my time, and they all end up the same. So mentally screwed up they can never have a genuine relationship. They just don't seem to "get it", that we have to take care of our own lives first, without worrying what others think about us.

    • atlovesbm profile imageAUTHOR


      7 years ago from Orange County, California

      @theoctopusjar: Thanks for reading. I agree with you! It's just not a way to live..

      @iamgeniuster: LOL! Thanks? haha Seriously, thanks for reading :)

    • iamageniuster profile image


      7 years ago

      Very awesome story, Haha. And that picture is just hilarious. If I were a girl, I'd turn into a lesbian and go for you. Ahahaha. JK!

    • theoctopusjar profile image


      7 years ago from The Bay Area, CA

      This is pretty interesting. :)

      I definitely think this guy might have been afraid to fully come out and announce his life changing decision to become gay, for fear that he would never be able to go back if he wanted to. It's pretty lame in itself, because his actions speak louder than his words do when he tries to cover it up. It's just sad, because that means he led a lot of poor, decent guys on. Thanks for sharing!


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